LDR Advice from Michelle and Frank

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Why won’t he give us another chance?

Hi, I was with my ex for two years before he left to work on an overseas contract. The lead up to his departure was very hard on me and I sank into what I found out later was depression and during our final months I had several angry outbursts as a result of the build up of frustration of wanting what was best for my partner and what I needed. I have since been diagonsed with anxiety related depression and have had very successful treatment for this and the issues which caused my depression and angry outbursts. We didn’t survive the separation as inside a year he met someone else overseas and i got a ‘dear john’ e-mail. Since then he has gone from one relationship to another. We remain in contact and meet up each time he is back in the country. Recently, he said that neither before or after me has he loved anyone in the way he loved me. Why, if thats the case, does he not give us a chance to work things out?


Michelle says…

He is probably being truthful when he says that he has loved no other the way he had loved you. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that he still has those feelings for you. From your relationship history that you describe, with the angry outbursts and very difficult transition into a long distance relationship, he probably has detached himself from you emotionally and was probably hurt by the anger that you inflicted on him. This made him unhappy in your relationship and he eventually felt the need to leave you so he could find some sort of happiness. He is probably afraid to go through such a dramatic relationship with you again and doesn’t see much hope of the two of you as a couple. Having such a bad experience in a long distance relationship, would not make him want to jump into another long distance relationship with you, or probably anyone. He may still love you, but obviously does not want to go through it again.

Have you discussed this at length with him? If not, tell him how you feel. Also tell him that you feel confident that you can withstand the distance since having been treated for your depression. If he still has feelings for you, you may have a chance, but it will take some effort on your part to show him that you can handle a long distance relationship.


Frank says…

Sometimes, even though guys find the person of their dreams, they feel that they can not be with them. This can be for many reasons. It might be that they feel that they are inadequate for the other person, and that if they are together, the other person (you) would be held back. Another possibility might be that he is not ready to settle down. He might feel you are the person that he would marry, but he is not ready in his life to marry and make that commitment. Some men are very strange in that way. They don’t want to be held back; they want to be free. It seems that this man is somewhat of an adventurous type as he is working on an overseas contract. Not just anyone will do that. And by having no real solid relationship, it just adds to his adventure.

No one can totally understand a man’s feelings and why they avoid a relationship for some reason. I think, though, if he doesn’t want to give it a chance to work it out, you might need to move on. You can only fight for something so long before it is just too much for you. You can still be friends, but try to make sure the conversations stay off of love, as it will just stir up these feelings you have for you him again.


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