LDR Advice from Michelle and Frank

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Guilted into giving LDR girlfriend money

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my partner since September 2006. I met my girlfriend on the Internet, chat collaborating through one of the network communities called MySpace. Eventually as time progressed, we decided to commit into our relationship. To keep a long story short, my partner has been diagnosed with cancer in December 2005. She’s been suffering quite a lot with the treatments every week! Apparently, I’ve mentioned to her the question about when can I have the opportunity to see her, so that I can plan an actual physical meeting. I have not met this girl in person as of yet. Our goal is to meet in person one day, but right now with her living with her family and dealing with her cancer, she doesn’t feel strong enough to present our relationship to them. They don’t agree with our relationship 100%. Our only communication is through emails or telephone everyday.

I’ve been helping this girl financially every weekend. I get a bit frustrated with her because instead of using the money I send, she spends this on everyone else. And when the time she’s spent it all, she gets frustrated with me because she has nothing left for herself. I’ve told her many times to focus on her needs, but she just won’t listen. The money I send she uses it to pay her family bills or most of it is food, which she can hardly eat for herself. Sometimes, I feel selfish & think to myself I should stop sending money & just give her what she needs & if she needs things. But I get attacked from her thru words, which she feels I’m being controlling with the finances. I pay her cell phone, her dish network, and give her weekend allowance to help her a lot. But she doesn’t take enough care of herself with the cancer she suffers. Do you have any advice for me?

Jeiy

Michelle says…

Jeiy, I really thought about your question, and here is what I think. I know you love your girlfriend a lot, but your only obligation to her is to support her emotionally. Any financial assistance is extra and there is no obligation for you to do that, even though you may feel you have to. Therefore, for her to guilt you into sending her money is wrong of her to do. It baffles me that she tries to make you feel guilty for being controlling of your money. Of course you’re controlling with your money! It’s your money after all! As horrible as this may sound and I hate to say it, but I feel that she is using her illness to guilt you into giving her money. She is the one that thinks you’re controlling, but rather, it is really her that is controlling you.

Another point I’d like to make is that if you do give her money, this does not mean she can give this money away. That is money you give her and only her, and for her to use that money on anyone else, is wrong for her to do. I agree with your idea that maybe instead of sending her money, only send her what she needs. This would not be selfish of you at all, because it’s your money and you should be able to do what you want with it. You shouldn’t feel guilty that her family might not get your money.

At a time like this in her life, why would she care about her family meeting you? After all, you are the one that pays their bills. It’s been almost 2 years, and you haven’t met her and she refuses to meet you, but will accept all the money you give her. Jeiy, this just doesn’t seem right. I really feel that she is using you. There must be a reason other than her being afraid to present your relationship to her family.

Now I’ve really debated whether or not I would share this bit… I don’t know any other information, but given the information you have shared, I would be afraid that maybe she doesn’t have cancer at all. Please correct me if I’m wrong. But there are just so many red flags here. Her refusing to meet you, taking the hundreds of dollars a month and spending it on things you don’t want her spending it on… guilting you into giving her this money… her family not agreeing with your relationship, but yet they will take your money and use it to pay their bills… getting frustrated with you when she runs out of money…

This is all wrong.

It is so unfair to you. All she seems to care about in this relationship is money. If she had a real desire to meet you, you would have met inside of two years by now. You seem fully capable of making the trip, yet she’s refusing you go? In 3 years of having cancer, there would be period where there are no treatments (I’m a student nurse and I know that a person would not receive chemotherapy or radiation every week for 3 years…. it would kill you) So even though she doesn’t want you to meet her family, there has been opportunity for her to leave her home (since cancer patients don’t receive such frequent treatments that it would make a person unable to leave far from the hospital) and go meet you somewhere else.

There is something really wrong with this whole situation.

Jeiy, personally, I would not send her anymore money, at least not until you’ve met her in person and know that she is the person she says she is. I’m sorry if this answer seems harsh and a bit blunt, but I think you need an objective, unbiased opinion. Love tends to mask things sometimes and maybe you didn’t see all these red flags.

Tell her that you want to meet her and that you won’t give her more money until you do. Pay close attention to her reaction. Does she still tell you she is unable to meet you? Does she try to make you feel horrible for making such a request? Does she tell you she’ll leave you if you don’t send her money? If this is the case, than I believe you have been conned and she is only with you for your money.

I feel really sorry about the situation you’re going through. I know you must love her a lot with all that you provide for her, but you don’t deserve this treatment, especially after being so generous for so long with nothing in return, not even a visit with her. I really wish you the best.

Michelle

Frank says…

I agree with Michelle about this being a weird, red flag situation. You obviously have the money to go visit. And, wouldn’t a visit from a love one naturally make her feel better? So, take what Michelle says as what I say too.

I do have another thought though. Let us say this cancer problem is true.

Some people are selfless. She has your money, and you give it to her. However, it makes her feel better as a person to help other people with that money. I know that sometimes I get my paycheck and I know one of my friends has a broken car, or they can’t pay their cellphone bill. While I know I need to pay my own bills, I will give some of my money to a friend to help them out, even if it puts me in a financial hardship. It makes me feel good to know my friends are all set. I can make more money for myself if I have to. She might feel better helping her family than helping herself. It is just a though, and not the best at that. After all, it was your money, you gave it to her, she should respect your wishes and use it for herself and her own needs. If she can’t respect your wishes on that, she can’t respect you, and you might need to consider ending it based on respect alone. Stay strong and remember that you are giving up a good amount of money to help her (and still not being able to see her). You can only take so much of that, what I feel is, disrespect.

You will figure it all out, don’t worry.

Frank

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