LDR Advice from Michelle and Frank

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“I’ve always trusted him but it seems harder to lately”

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year now, for the majority of the time it has been long distance. We see each other every few months depending on schedules. We have been through a lot to now be together, both very much in love and would consider our relationship to be very serious. However, the past couple of months I feel as if something on his part is different…. I don’t know if it is me being paranoid or jumping to conclusions. I’ve always trusted him but it seems harder to lately.

We fight far more than usual over petty little things and the last couple of times we have seen each other we have fought. I was on his computer checking my email and some chicks email had previously been saved in the sign in box. I asked whose it was and he preceded to tell me it was a chick’s from work who came over to check something…..He acted a little weird. We got in a huge fight over it and he said the girl had helped him with work pay stubs previously and he owed her. He said she printed something off her email cause she didn’t have a computer and left.

Also he is constantly on his phone texting, he leads an overnight crew for the company Hollister and says he divvies out hours through his cell and everyone gets their schedule by text or phone call, So it’s all work related. Also, it seems like lately he would much rather text me all day then call me?? I know that our schedules are complete opposite so it makes it hard sometimes…. but still?

I don’t know what to believe… He gets upset when I ask questions like I’m an idiot for thinking he would ever do something behind my back. He says he thinks about everything we’ve been through and the future with me and that it would not be worth losing. We talk about marriage and having children together, he always says being with me feels right.

The long distance part is so hard because I am not a part of his daily life… So lately I think its made me more naggish than usual. Is it just me? What should I do…. I couldn’t stand to find out in the long run he’s done things behind my back….. =(

Stephanie

Michelle says…

The anxiety you feel about what your boyfriend does when you’re not around is a common affliction for those in long distance relationships. Many LDR partners worry about cheating because in a long distance relationship you must admit it would be really easy to cheat and have it never be discovered. It is easy to feel vulnerable for those of us in LDRs.

I know you’re looking for answers to whether or not he has cheated on you. I honestly can’t tell you. I know just as much as you’ve told me. I would probably be worried too, but when there isn’t evidence of cheating it’s hard to make accusations.

A couple red flags of cheating in LDRs that you have noticed include:

Being unavailable to you. You said that he doesn’t call you as much as he used to and has turned to texting as his favored mode of communicating with you. Now this may just be a phase. It may be more convenient if he has been especially busy lately. What must be understood though is that in long distance relationships both partners need to put in the time and attention your relationship deserves. So speak to him and tell him your feelings about him texting you vs actually calling you. He may take your feelings to heart and make the time to call you more, but if he doesn’t then there may be reason to worry.

Defensiveness. If he is acting defensive when you ask him questions, then this is also a red flag that he may be hiding something from you.

From what you’ve said, these are the only two red flags. If you notice other red flags such as secretiveness and guilty behavior, then there may be more reason to worry.

You may not have thought you would have to do this, but since you were uncomfortable with him inviting a co-worker into his home, you may have to set a few ground rules about limits and boundaries the two of you have with members of the opposite sex. This is acceptable in any relationship and he should respect your feelings. And he will if he is truly committed to this relationship and loves you.

The next thing you should do is have a calm discussion about fidelity. Try to make it as calm as you can. Try not to sound accusatory. But try to go about having him reassure you that he has remained loyal in your relationship. You may want to wait to have such a serious conversation when you are with him. If you feel that you would not be able to remain calm or cannot speak without using accusatory words or tone, try writing an email or letter and ask him that way. Tell him that you expect his honesty and will trust what he says.

Until you have found evidence that he has cheated, this is the most you can do.

Michelle

Frank says…

You cannot prejudice your relationship by a suspicion. You need real evidence, but don’t snoop! Until you find real evidence, you cannot act. Yes, it is suspicious that he had another girl’s email on his computer, or that he is always texting employees. But, he had an explanation for it all. And most guys will act like you are an “idiot” for thinking that they would cheat. Some do it to reassure you that it is the farthest thing from their mind. Others do it to cover.

Write him a letter; a letter reminding him that you still trust and love him and believe he would not do something to hurt you. It will make him realize that you love him, but it will also remind him that you do not like his secretive ways. It might also make him realize that he might be in the wrong. But he will know he is loved. Is there anything better than that?

Now, the reason he is texting you more and arguing and you feel naggish is just because the relationship is not new anymore. It is like a puppy that has gotten older. Everything the puppy does when it is new is cute. The way it runs, and yips, and drinks and plays. Even the mess it made on the floor is cute. But now the dog is older and it knocks things over when it runs, wakes you up when it barks, makes a mess when he drinks, and hurts you when he plays. And the mess on the floor…it stinks. But you still love your dog. And you still love your relationship. It has changed some, but if you still feel you have love, stay in it and just know that this is a natural progression. Although texting is nice and convenient, you should remind your boyfriend that you would prefer more talking. While I said that this is a natural thing, you can’t allow your relationship to drift too far apart and become impersonal.

Frank

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Comments 4

  1. Frank.

    Hi Joyce, I think his response of "I trust you" is telling. You wanted him to reassure you that you can trust him. His response should have been something like "I trust you, and you can trust me. I love you" at the minimum. Yes, people can read a text and just brush it off and give a quick response. But your fiance needs to recognize your feelings. He needs to take the time to be empathetic to you. I think if you have doubts you need to have a real conversation (spoken words or facetime.) Texting seems to not get any valid response from him. Reach out again, tell him what you texted over the phone. Tell John you need to feel safe and secure in the relationship. If again, he doesn't respond appropriately to make you feel better, you might have to start worrying if something is going on.

  2. So Franj,what doesn't it mean, after writing this to my fiance? Honey,I understand that without trust in every relationship,there's trouble or you have trouble. So,I don’t want to nag you, but I want to know that I can trust you. You know we don’t have an open relationship, and I would never do anything with anyone else. I trust you (John) and know that you wouldn’t do anything either. Right?” “I love you" And what he wrote is, "I trust you". So is there something to be concerned about or worry that there may be something suspicious happening or going on with his impersonal responses? Please ,I'm confused? And please, your advice or respond will be appreciated. Thanks.

  3. MY EX BOYFRIEND TAKES ME FOR GRANTED

    I have been in a relationship with my ex for about 10 months we school in the same town but during the holidays I go to live with my parents. we broke up 2 months ago because he accused me of cheating after forcefully taking my phone and texting friends of mine pretending to be me for 2 days. He accused me of cheating with a friend of mine who was interested in me. After returning my phone I found out he had another girl when I confronted the girl she told me they have been dating for 5 months and that I was one of his exs. We we're separated for about a month after which he started texting me asking me to come back to him he met the girl just once at his friends place when he went to visit it has never been in contact with the girl since then. By then I was already with someone else after hearing he had moved on so I told him and he said I should dump the guy and come back to him and since I loved him more than the guy I did dump the guy but I told him I won't come to him immediately I need some time to think over my decision. We we're communicating frequently and every time I asked abt the girl he would give me different answers he said he knew the girl since high school and was interested in her but they never had anything another time he said he and the girl just use to speak romantically with each other through text but they had nothing and he said they started dating a week before we broke up after he heard I went out with the guy interested in me. Sometimes I feel he loves me but most at times I feel he is taking me for granted. I have confronted him several times to come see me let's try to patch things up since we are miles away and he is in my home town but I can't go there at the moment but he gives me excuses like he is short of cash, ( and I know that's a lie) and says I should come I stead and he will pay my transport fair but it is impossible for me to go there at the moment I think he is resistant because we always succeed to patch things up through text . We have been talking to each other for sometime frequently but when I told him I was sick he never bothered to ask me how I was doing he even forgot my birthday when I told him abt it he said his phones calendar was wrong and I know well that it's a lie but I let go. The last time I spoke to him about the girl he said they had broken up and said he almost slapped the girl for telling me lies. A few weeks after he told me that which he fell sick and a friend of mine told me he gave the girl taxi fair to go see him in the hospital I was even surprised cuz I didn't tell anyone he was sick. The girl told my friend he asked her to make a pact with him but she refused and this confirmed my suspisions cuz he had asked me to do the same things some months after we started dating but I refused too and he got angry saying I don't want to because I don't love him. During the time we we're dating we never went on dates he wld always prefer I meet him at his house we will romance each other and then separate every time I mention to him about taking me out he wld accept then a day before we go out he will cancel giving me funny excuses and even when we go out he doesn't even give me his time he spends the whole time manipulating his cell making me feel like I am wasting his time. I have invited him to go to church several times with me but he always backs out at the last minute all this things frustrated me in the relationship. Now, after telling me is is willing to change I find out he is still seeing the other girl I have confronted him several times but he refused saying its been really long since he saw the girl girl, about 5 months meanwhile he had told me he almost slapped the girl several weeks ago during their break up and so many of my friends have warned me about him but I give them a deaf ear but now I am begging to see all the stories I have heard are true I still love him so much and he tells me all the time he can't live without me in his life but I am tired of the way he treats me I don't know if I should go back to him hoping he will change or I should just move on

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