LDR Advice from Michelle and Frank

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I cheated on my LDR boyfriend. Do I tell him?

Ok, so here’s the deal:

We use to live together for a couple of years.

One year apart.

Recently, he mentioned that he would be visiting within a couple of months – we have both been good up until that point.

Me, I was not so good last night. Met this guy on a flight to Toronto and when we got back to Ottawa we went out on a date and I faltered. Sex wasn’t even that great – average.

So here’s the Q:

Do I tell him? Do I selectively tell him? My plan was to tell him after he leaves that I have a booty call fella so that he doesn’t have to know that I cheated within several weeks of seeing him. What does Frank think? As a man would he want to know? Isn’t it more important to think about his feelings than to ease my own guilt? Or is it the honesty is the best policy? If he told me he did what I did, I would be very upset! Knowing that he was going to see me so soon and so much time has gone by and nothing happened but when there is end in sight then this happens – I would be angry in fact! What do you suggest? I need some good advice now because I feel like sh*t and guilty and a generally horrible person.

Eva

Michelle says…

I realize that you want to hold off telling your boyfriend what happened until after you’ve been able to see him so your visit is not ruined. However, the best thing for you to do is to tell him. I know you said that you would be upset if he told you he cheated on you, anyone would, but wouldn’t you still want to know? If this is the man you have intended on spending the rest of your life with, would you be comfortable keeping a secret like this from him for that long?

Something has been lacking in your relationship for you to go out on a date with another man in the first place, let alone sleep with him. Maybe the distance has been causing a lot of stress in your relationship. Maybe you were yearning for physical attention and were caught up in the moment. We all have faults. But it is my belief that if your love for someone is strong enough, it would make you strong enough to avoid temptation.

There is something that is lacking emotionally, not physically, in your relationship for you to falter. This is something you should carefully analyze in the weeks before you see your boyfriend.

I personally would not tell him before you saw him. Chances are if you told him over the phone, it would be easier for him to break up with you on the phone and trip plans would be canceled. For now, work out how you will tell him. Figure out if this is a one time mistake or not. Can you promise it will never happen again? What has cheating taught you about your relationship with your boyfriend? Figure out the reasons you want to stay with your boyfriend so you can present these to him.

When you see him and you’re back to your place in a quiet room alone, tell him you have something to tell him. Do not have sex with him before you tell him. This will amplify his emotions. He will no doubt be upset; allow him to be. He has every right to be. He will want explanations. By no means, ever make it seem it was his fault in any way. Sentences such as, “You have been distant lately and I was lonely” can come off as accusatory. Do not start your sentences with “You’s.” Instead start with “I’s.” For example, “I felt lonely.”

You asked if you should be selective in the information you give him if you tell him you cheated. Well, I think that the best thing to do is to tell him everything he wants to know. If he wants to know who, give him a name (not a full name, you don’t want him to contact the other man). If he wants to know details like where and when and what you did with the other man, let him know. Otherwise, if you avoid giving him these details, it will only make him feel like you are hiding things from him. This is your time to put everything out in the open. You have to be completely honest because this is the first step in rebuilding his trust in you.

If he chooses to stay with you, you will have a lot to work on in your relationship. Not only will you have to earn back his trust and faith in you, but you will have to work on the problems that led you to cheating in the first place.

Being honest is always the right thing to do.

Michelle

Frank says…

Eva, as a guy, I would want to know. And as a guy, I would be furious. Questions such as, “why couldn’t you wait for me?” would come up. I guess the thing is, you want to wait until he leaves to tell him. Use distance as a shield. Protect yourself from the anger and make it easier to tell him while he is miles away. Well, unfortunately, it is easier to break up with someone while you are far away. So, if you tell him that you have a booty call guy, you might lose your relationship. While if you tell him straight up that you f*cked up, while he is face to face, there might be a chance to save the relationship. Now, as stated in a previous question, Michelle and I have a pretty strict no cheating policy, and that once someone cheated, it is likely that the relationship is not salvageable. You need to think “Why did I cheat?” Was it just the distance? Maybe you are not into it anymore. Only you know the true reason. And yes, I know it would be easier just to never tell your man that you did anything. He would never know, and you would never tell. But from all the guys I know that have cheated, it only makes them more suspicious and starts to ruin the relationship. One said, “I should have just told her, and if that ended the relationship, it would have saved us both months of a lot of bull and hatred towards each other because I was acting like such a jerk.” So, I guess you could take that advice. Lay it all out, and what happens happens.

Frank

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Comments 11

  1. Look, I'll be blunt. If you're willing to hide that from your SO then you don't really love them… maybe ignorance is bliss but they don't deserve bliss, they deserve honesty… you aren't really worried about it hurting them, you know it will… you're selfishly worried they might leave you and rightfully so… they have that right. And if you are willing to take it away by keeping them in the dark, you not only don't love them, but in my opinion you are a terrible person… I'm not saying you can't have a legitimate reason for your actions and forgiveness is a path to be taken but a relationship demands honesty if it wants to yield trust… you messed up, own up and tell him/her soon because they don't deserve for you to waste their life on someone who prioritized instant gratification over their committed partnership… if you truly love them, you should be willing to let them go if they choose… do not hide it from them

  2. Don't tell him. If you an to never cheat again and want this relationship to work..never tell a soul. Screw confessing your infidelity. it serves no purpose but to unload your guilt at the expense of your boyfriend.

  3. Hi,
    I have a kinda long distance relationship with someone at the other end of the ocean. We have been calling and texting for over a year. Recently he mentioned traveling to my country, but this is the second time and i am not sure it really will happen. Anyway, i've been a bad girl last night. I feel like i am selling myself short by waiting for him since its been over a year since i've had sex. But then again, usually, i am always true to my word and know that i cheated on him. So i did not hesitate to tell him. He is so disappointed and really hasn't said much. I'm scared he will pull away completely. I'm waiting for him to be ready so we can really talk. The wait is killing me. I really don't want to lose a chance of meeting him. My feelings for him are real. I guess i gave in to the pressure. It is wrong. But how do i convince him that we can still work it out? Especially since there was a chance that we would finally meet.

  4. You MUST tell him for so many reasons. Beyond the emotional and trust issues already discussed are the purely physical consequences and the potential for Pregnancy and STDs, not to mention the fling may become a very intrusive obsession depending upon the personality of the paramour. For me, as a man, it is an absolute deal breaker. I would definitely want to know but for a lot of reasons it would be over at that moment. That you could even consider keeping this kind of information a secret from someone you say is your soulmate and want to marry speaks volumes about how little value you actually place upon this relationship and the man. He has to know so he can at least protect himself at a minimum. I know what I would do but maybe he is the forgiving type. Good luck.

  5. Hello there,
    I am in a LDR with a wonderful man that intends to marry me after his Masters, which is in 3years. However, its been a year already that we have been in a LDR. I believe he is my soulmate and I love him deeply, thats why we both want to settle down with eachother later.

    My problem is that, he doesnt visit so often due to plane ticket costs and we are both saving for our university studies. However along the line, we made plans to see eachother in the next 5 monts..

    Unfortunately, i have already cheated on him with a guy i liked (but i am not in love with the guy). I cheated because i felt lonely. But that was just a one time thing.

    My questions is : should i tell my boyfriend or not? Is honesty really the best? I am so scared that he would leave me.
    Plus it kinda makes me wonder that, if i as a woman was able to cheat, i dont know how he as a man is coping with his sexual urges..

    Please help me. Thank you so much.

  6. I really need help I love this boy named Eric and I'm dating a boy already and today I asked him out cuz my cousins thought I liked him a lot but I only like him a little what should I do??!

  7. ffs, tell him. you have to take responsibility for your own acts. I didit. it hurt a freaking lot, but I did it. and where did I go to from there? to being true to myself. I believe that if I am able to cheat on someone, then they're not worth it. it's really that simple. you love him and so on, but be a freaking woman and tell him. don't be a whore. be a woman.

  8. Tell him, and before he visits, so he can make informed decision whether to invest in you anymore. If he chooses to cancel/break up with you, that's fine, he's allowed to make such decision and you should respect this.

  9. Hello i been talking with my ldr for about six months.I broke my right ankle Just rigth before we met in person for the first time.So we finally met.But I he acted distant. We talked about his attitude and he say I was because my broken ankle
    He left and we keep in touch.But I feel rejected by him and lonely
    I got surgery and still out of work
    So I started talking with my ex-boyfriend and we went on a date and make love.i like the fact he make me fell especial and even care about my broken ankle. I tread me like a woman and make me happy

  10. I wouldn't advise telling him if it was just that one time. But if you are going to hook up with him some more, then yes, you need to be honest about the status of your relationship with your long-distance boyfriend.

  11. Eva, as a guy I would want to know. If my girlfriend told me over the phone or via text it would crush me, if I was told in person it would be easier for me to assess that you are really sincere about your feelings. People make mistakes, and if he truly loves you he will forgive you and gather the situation, I can't tell you that he will forgive you. If it was me I would break up with you, I couldn't deal with holding that against you for the rest of our lives together. Also as I man I want to date a woman and I am sure your boyfriend wants a woman too. What you did was very girly, not grown up and selfish. Just deal with the consequences, only psychopaths keep secrets like this.

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