I don’t trust my girlfriend’s ex
Hello Michelle and Frank. First of all thank you for making this site, it’s really helped me with keeping my girlfriend and I’s LDR going strong.
So everything is great in my relationship except I’m getting kind of insecure.
Me and my girlfriend had met while she was an exchange student but now she is back in Japan. Before she came here she has been friends with this guy for about 3-4 years I think. Well, he has liked her basically the whole time they have been friends and before she left to the States she told me they had gone out for like a couple weeks or something and she said it just didn’t workout. So when she went back she was telling me that he was being really mean to her and she didn’t know why. I’m pretty sure it is because he still likes her and doesn’t like that she goes out with me!
She seems to think that he is only interested in being friends but I know better.
Anyways, I trust her and I know she won’t cheat on me, but I’m just scared that after being around him for awhile she could develop feelings for him again. It helps me to know they couldn’t even last a month before but I don’t want this guy to take her away from me! They still hangout and stuff now.
So what should I do about it?
Well there’s a couple things I think you should do. I understand you need reassurance, and it’s okay to look to your girlfriend to get that reassurance. If I were in your situation, I would ask your girlfriend what she would do if he ever came on to her or showed interest in her again. She may blatantly tell you she would do nothing and that she is not interested in him in that way, but just hearing that would make you feel better, wouldn’t it? So don’t be afraid to talk about this other guy with her. Let her know that from what she has told you about him, that from a guy’s perspective it still sounds like he likes her. She may not have seen it that way.
Also, don’t be afraid to tell her that you feel insecure about her hanging out with this guy. You are obviously uncomfortable about her hanging out with him, and if they hang out so much that it seems excessive, like they hang out as much as a boyfriend and girlfriend would, then it would be your right to request that she not hang out with him as much as she does. Casual hanging out once in a while would be normal for friends, but if it’s more than that, it’s just too much… too much for a boyfriend’s comfort who is 1000’s of miles away and that is something that anyone can understand, and certainly something she should understand and acknowledge.
Be careful though. You said she had been friends with him for 3-4 years… you don’t want to look like you want her to destroy a friendship just because she is with you. She would come to resent you if it seemed that way. She may get defensive and say she won’t cheat and shouldn’t have to change her ways, but she also has to be responsible since she is in a serious relationship, and should not put herself in situations where it could be easy to succumb to temptation or place herself in a position where she is constantly hanging out with someone who still likes her. It not only is unfair to you, but unfair to the other guy since he may feel he is being lead on.
Remember to remind her that you DO trust her, but since you have never met this other guy and don’t know him, it is HIM you can’t trust and that you’re just afraid he may try to make a move on her. I am sure that if she cares about your feelings she’ll understand this and find a way to put your mind at ease.
You need to communicate your feelings to her. Start by reassuring her that you trust her. You know that she wouldn’t cheat, or do anything to jeopardize your relationship. Make sure she understands this. Then tell her that you do not feel comfortable that she is spending time with a former flame of hers.
I do agree that he was acting mean because he still has feelings and he is frustrated that he can’t be with her. Remind her that you feel he is trying to steal her away from you potentially. But again, reassure her that you know she wouldn’t leave you for him.
I feel that you cannot forbid your significant other from having certain friends, even friends of the opposite sex. But it is not a good thing for them to have communication and interaction to the point where they would get the feelings for one another. Occasional “catching up” is ok. But going to see a movie together, or going out to eat (if that is what she might do, I don’t know) is not good.
So, really, just communicate your dislike of this person and how you trust her, not him.