LDR Advice from Michelle and Frank

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He says we’re over because I said something, but I didn’t mean it. What should I do?

Hi, I’m a 21 year old college student. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He lives in the Bronx and I live in Rockland County(we are only 45 min away from each other and when we see each other we meet up in hotels…we haven’t been to the movies had dinner together or nothing). Now 45 min isn’t too far but I rarely see him. Maybe once or twice a month. We met on MySpace.

Since the beginning of the relationship all we ever did was argue. He is the most stubborn person that I have ever met. But all in all he is a wonderful man. Whom I know loves me deep down. He’s 28 and he has a son. The baby mother and him have been separated for 7 years now. She’s made him go through hell and back. And now he has an issue trusting females.

I’ve done things to him in the past that would make him question my trust. (I went behind his back and called his uncle during an argument we were having. I asked the uncle not to say anything but blood is thicker than water and of course, he went and told my boyfriend I called him).

Anyway, when me and him talk he always makes reference to me and him in the future. But lately me and him have just been arguing. When I asked him a couple weeks ago where he sees himself in five years he said working with his CDL license and making a $1000 a week (never once did he mention me, which hurt). When he in turn asked me I told him that I see myself done with school, happy, and hopefully engaged to him. All he said was, “awwwww…” and nothing else. I quickly went on the defensive and asked him whether he sees me in his future. He told me “BRB” (be right back) and 3 hours later when he came back he didn’t even bring up the subject. Things just continue to go down hill from then.

I must admit he calls me a nagger, and maybe I am a little bit. Men don’t like confrontation and when we do argue I like to get right to the point and settle the problem, but with him, he doesn’t want to discuss it right away. We had a real big argument and some things were said. He asked for a break (which is something he always does whenever he feels like I’m just annoying him). I told him he can have all the break he wants have a nice life and don’t think for once I would call him. He then told me, “Fine we’re officially over.”

When I told him to have a nice life I didn’t mean it. I was upset, heated and words came out. It’s been 4 days since we last spoken and I’m not sure if I believe its over or not because when we go through this we just stop speaking for a couple days and then we talk again. Should I wait a couple days, or weeks before I really know? All my friends are telling maybe he’s cheating and I tell them there’s just no way. I mean this man gets up for work at 3 in the morning comes back at 4 in the afternoon. On weekends he has his son. He has no time to cheat.

I just want to know what I should do. I want to able to understand where he’s coming from but I feel like he doesn’t want to take the time to understand where I’m coming from. A relationship should be 50/50 but it’s like I’m working twice as hard in this relationship. I know his son is his top priority but what about me? Where do I fit? I feel like I can’t ask him that because coming into the relationship I knew that it was going to be hard because of his son.

I also come from a religious background and old fashion family, my parents want to meet my boyfriend, just see who I’m dating, and what his intentions are. But my boyfriend tells me he’s not ready. (Mind you, I’ve met his mom, and his son. His mother loves me.) Anyhow, I tell him it’s not that serious my parents just want to meet you. It’s not like we are getting married. I mean for god sakes he’s 28 he should be married by now. Am I wasting my time with this man who is not in touch with his feelings? We have been through so much together. I know that he loves me, but could it just be that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Because ever time I ask him he tells me, “Karen if I didn’t want to be with you…I would just tell you. Is it time to just let go???”

What should I do?

Karen

Michelle says…

I think there’s imbalance in your relationship. You say he loves you, and I believe you, but I feel that he might not love you as much as you love him.

Why, if you’ve been together for a year and a half, would you only see each other 1-2 times per month, and why in hotels?

And why, if you’ve been together that long, hasn’t he met your family yet?

These things just don’t make much sense to me and I can see why you’re stressed out about them.

Okay, so here’s what I think you should do…

Wait it out. Don’t contact him and let him come to you. See if he makes the effort. See if his feelings are strong enough for him to not let you go. You want to know how he truly feels about your relationship don’t you?

I know it will be hard to resist the temptation to just call him, but don’t.

Whenever you get the urge to call him, call a friend or leave the house and go somewhere, anything to distract you from making the call. If you just can’t shake the temptation, maybe try writing an email/letter to him but don’t send it.

If he really cares he will let go of his pride and be the first to call you.

Karen’s reply:

Do you feel that when I told him to have a nice life..that was a break up? Because when I told him That thats when he said we’re officially done…You can be honest with me..How long should I wait for him to contact me before I just realize I should move on… But I agree with you much when you say if he contacts me I will know he cares.

Well, when you said, “have a nice life” that definitely sounds like you were ending things between you two.

But that is something a lot of people will say and not really mean. Usually the other person in the relationship knows this. But I think in your case he may have been taking advantage of it, and took it as an opportunity to take a break from the relationship (or worst case scenario actually end the relationship).

Now I think it would take a person a while to move on from a relationship that has lasted 1 and a half years.

I just think you should go on about your daily life and find other things to do during the times you would have spent with him on the phone/email/etc. Starting now. Don’t wait around for his call. And like I said, if you find yourself struggling with this, find something to do to distract yourself. Do something that will make you feel good.

I think you also need to use this time to take a step back and evaluate your relationship. What was good about it, what was bad? If your relationship with him continues, what changes do you think he needs to make? What changes do you think you need to make? Or if your relationship does end for good, think about what you’ll want in a relationship with someone else and think about what you would do differently.

I see every broken relationship as a learning experience. You can learn from mistakes and change things to have a happier, more fulfilling relationship in the future whether it is with that same person or with someone else.

Michelle

Frank says…

First, from my personal experience, I have no problem meeting parents, and I do not understand why it is such a big deal if the parents want to meet you, and you feel it would be a casual thing. Of course, that is me, and what I personally do does not mean he has to as well.

Second, you say you are in this relationship double than he is. From what you say, he is working 13 hours a day. I know that I would be tired and unable to put a lot of effort into my relationship if I was under that schedule. Well, at least a lot of effort to problem solving. His method of “BRB” is a typical example of a guy just trying to avoid the issue, praying it will go away. Unfortunately for men, it never works. I also try to avoid arguments instead of solving it right away. A reason for this is to avoid saying something I do not mean. Example: “have a nice life”. Saying things out of anger is a horrible problem. Really. One method of argument is to wait 24 hours before responding. After you sleep on it, you might wake up and say “it doesn’t matter anymore. I feel better now”. And if you wake up and say “I am still mad”, maybe it does need to be talked about. If you decide to stay in this relationship, consider trying that method when you have a confrontation. On a side note, I know that when guys that work hard get asked the question, “where do you see yourself in the future?”, they are going to say something about their work. He might not have meant to overlook you.

Well, Karen, overall, I think that your boyfriend is exhibiting characteristics of the desire for a less serious relationship than you want. Yes, you can love someone a lot, but still not really be thinking about engagement or the future. I think you need to tell him that you love him, that you do not want to lose him, but you need to know if he is in this relationship for real. Tell him that you know his son is #1. Tell him that you understand he needs to work a lot. Money is so important now, everyone has to work as hard as they can. But then ask him if he feels that you are a big part of his life, or if he even wants you to be a big part of his life. I do not think it is wrong to ask it, if you first state that you understand his feelings on the subject.

Finally, think about how you guys meet. You meet in hotels only? I guess you need a place to stay, but why no movies, no dates? Even if he is strapped for cash, you should both be able to afford a dinner and a movie. The fact that you tell me this first seems to hint to me that you know that he is not really into this relationship as much as you want to be.

So, conclusion: Talk to him now/very soon. Remind him that you love him. Ask him where you stand with those conditions that I mentioned. Then ask him if he can commit more to you, as you know that he loves you, but you would like to see more examples of it, not just be told. If he is unable to do that, I think you need to move on.

Oh, and don’t listen to your friends. If they want to make you think that he is cheating on you, they are not very nice friends. All that matters if what you believe.

Frank

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