LDR Advice from Michelle and Frank

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He says he lost the feelings he had for me

I’ve been in a LDR for 5 months.

We loved each other to bits. And both of us have said many a times that the other person was the one and we were, and still are, both sure we never felt anything like this for anyone else.

And now he’s broken it off with me. A few days ago he told me the feelings were gone. I didn’t make his stomach flip and his heart turn anymore. About 3 weeks before, however, he still wrote me a long letter about how much he loved me and how lucky he felt to have me in his life and that nothing and no one would ever tear us apart.

But I guess I now shouldn’t question his feelings, if he says they’re gone, he believes this is true and me questioning it will probably just make him feel misunderstood.

Now, I admit that lately our relationship was getting kinda “dull.” We still called every night, but sometimes just had silences. The silences made me feel insecure and eventually we’d just end up having a fight. Also we kinda ran out of new things to do and say. If only I had discovered your website sooner…

When he broke it off with me, he said that if he could press a button and love me again like he used to, he would. I went away for a few days and we haven’t really been in contact much. I wanted to give him some space. Yesterday we spoke on MSN again. It was an okay talk, but we acted around each other like friends do. We did agree to call tomorrow night to talk about things.

Now, I really want to give a go. I want him to feel it all again. But I’m not really sure on how to do that…

Also, I’m kinda afraid that tomorrow he’ll agree on trying it again, but that he really already closed the chapter for himself. And that even if he says he’s trying, he’ll still continue treating me like a friend and that he’ll deny it when he does feel something again. Many questions, many fears. We had something wonderful, but I’m afraid it might be broken forever…

Beau

Michelle says…

Wow, it’s hard when the other person doesn’t give a reason for losing feelings. You didn’t do anything wrong, he didn’t do anything wrong, but he decides to end it. I think it’s odd that not too long ago he was professing undying love and then all of a sudden it is all lost. If he really felt those feelings, I think it may be worth a shot to try and make that connection with him again. He got bored with the relationship, but that doesn’t mean you should give up and throw it all away because you get bored. Everyone gets bored every once in awhile! It’s not something to break up over though.

You said you’ve been together 5 months. So you’re really in that “make or break” stage of your relationship. Around this time the “romantic” phase of a relationship ends and both people become more comfortable in the relationship. You don’t try as hard to impress and the lust you felt in the beginning is not quite so strong anymore. This is where you figure out if you’re relationship is going to be serious or not. Maybe he ended the relationship before it could get serious? Perhaps your boyfriend might have some commitment issues as well and doesn’t want things to be as serious as you would like? That might be something to talk about with him. Either way, I think you need a more honest answer for why he wants to break up. He kind of left you in the dust there.

If you intend to try to rekindle your relationship, make it be known. You don’t want to be trying to get back together with him and being friendly, only to have him mistaken it for you being okay with the break-up and that you just want to be friends like he does.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him you know things got boring, but that you believe that you both can work on it to get back what you two once had. Ask for a chance; a trial period to see if he can gain back is “lost” feelings.

If you are able to get him interested in being in a relationship with you again, don’t stop working to keep your relationship going. And keep in mind that this is a two-way street. He has to contribute some effort as well.

I wish you the best of luck! I hope you get the answers you deserve.

Michelle

Frank says…

If you really want to be with him, and I mean really think it is worth the effort, and feel he is the only person in the world for you, then do what it takes to get him to fall back in love with you. The hardest reason to dispute for a break up is “I have lost feelings for you”. There really is no way you can argue them wrong. Either they have feelings or they don’t. Then, the break-up is due to the lack of feelings, but no one ever addresses the causes of the lack of feelings. Does he feel that there is no spark? What gave him that spark before? Does he feel that you two do not have fun like you used to? What happened before that was fun, and can you do it again, or can you find a suitable replacement?

What I am saying is that you need to find out why he feels it is over. This means you need to talk to him. First, tell him to spare your feelings. You need honesty. You need him to tell you what he really feels because that is the only way you will get a solution. The “I wish I could love you” excuse is pointless. It only makes the situation worse. Either you love the person and want to be with them, or you don’t love the person and don’t want to be with them. So he has to tell you if he loves you, but is afraid of commitment, or he loves you but he knows that he wants to be with someone else. Or, he has to tell you that he really doesn’t love you anymore and he knows it is over, but he was trying to spare your feelings.

It is very unfortunate that you obviously don’t feel that the relationship should be over, but it is. So you have one last chance to get the truth out of him. How he feels, without any dancing around the root cause. There is a chance he hasn’t figured it out, so be prepared to give him some time. But you need a real reason. So, question his feelings, just be sure to not dispute his feelings. He feels what he feels (i.e. if he feels bored and you feel excited, there is nothing you can say that will make him change his feelings, so do not argue about that). Be prepared to listen, and know that this solution might take a few days of talking.

On a final note, think about people you know of have heard about with on again, off again relationships. Do you want to be “yo-yo-ing” back and forth with him and not with him. Really figure out, with him, if the feelings are totally gone, and can’t be brought back, then you two should just end it and keep it ended. Break-ups are tough, but a hard talk and strong conviction can help you two get through it and determine the best path.

Frank

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Comments 4

  1. Hi, my girlfriend and I were in the progress of pursuing this relationship. We’re long distance by the way. Her in England and myself from Malaysia. Both of us are girls. Just about two months ago we started off as friends and soon we discovered that we were having feelings for each other. I have never felt so strongly about anyone before and the same goes with her, it was the best rare feeling that sparked. We have many common interests and we could click together on almost anything including discussions during our deep talks and also have emotional connection. Overtime the relationship just slowly became more and more dull. Til the extend where I could feel her becoming more less spoken and on some occasions we’d have arguements over small misunderstandings. And about last Friday (27/10/2017) she told me that maybe we should take a break as she just thinks that maybe it would work from there when we come back from the break. And so I agreed. At the same time we gave each other a rather short time for personal space. During that time, I had reflected on a lot of things including realising what might have caused us to grow distant. And I’d like to admit that while being with her, I was still so held back by the impact of my ex-girlfriend who had hurt me really badly from the previous relationship. Don’t misunderstand, I have indeed let go of my ex it’s the impact that had affected me that held me back, thus developing my mistrust and overthinking issues towards the current relationship and towards her. I tried so hard indeed to fight of these issues (had even thought of her to be someone who’s going to hurt me like my ex did, even a friend of mine had to tell me that she is nothing like my ex at all and that I should really trust her) because I was and still am head over heels for this girl. Like I just know it that she’s the one. And just this morning today, after I’ve sent her a video of me explaining about what I had reflected in during the period of personal space. I’ve told her that during the personal time, it has trained me to learn to trust her and change for the better to mend our relationship. The next thing a she told is this “ the video is very sweet and I can see that you mean everything that you say. It means a lot to express how you feel. I feel so awful now because I realise how much you care for me. But I just don’t think this will ever be how you want it to be. I don’t think we should pursue this relationship, but I would like to still be friends. I know you trusted me and expected so much more of me but I can’t help how I feel. I’m so mad at myself now because I would of loved it to work. You’re a wonderful person and so lovely and nice. And anyone in the world would be incredibly so lucky to be with you. I just don’t deserve you, you deserve someone so much better”. After that she continues to tell me that she doesn’t have feelings for me when just about two days ago we still tell each other that we both still do have feelings for each other. I’d like to admit that if by any chance that I can get her back or to even reignite her feelings again I really would because there is absolutely nobody else that I can share the same spark I have with her. Plus we had made plans to even finally see each other next year as I have finally graduated from school. I would like to tell her and maybe even beg her to give me another chance. Because I will always be in love with her and nobody else. But I can’t help to understand why she would tell me that she had lost feelings for me without telling me the reason. I will appreciate it if any of you would take time to give me some advice on what I should do so that I won’t let her slip again. I am so in love with this girl that I know for the impact she has on me will never make me get bored or fall out of love with her.

    Sincerely,
    Aileen

  2. My boyfriend told me his feelings weren't as strong as before but he is willing to give it a shot to see what can we do about it. I am terrified that he is going to leave me. He says it's the age gap issue, how his career is important, I get that but i really don't want to lose him. We've been dating for 3 months and we've met twice. I love him to death. He is so unlike my previous relationships. He is amazing but I really am panicking now that I know this. I am devastated and I can't stop from blaming myself for all of these things happening.

  3. This is about the guy that I've been chatting for four years, after a long conversation he revealed suddenly that he has girlfriend. It's hurt 'coz I'm almost falling for him, but overtime I know life must go on for me. After telling me he's in a relationship I lose the spark with him anymore. Only we have so much good memories to remember. He's kinda confusing, coz eventhough we fight at times he told me he can't forget me and he can't stop contact with me. At first it was so painful to hear, coz he's my only inspiration I ignored lots of guys because of him hoping that if I only look up the positive out look in life and makes effort everything will tend to happen. But it's tiring now.

  4. Well me and my boyfriend broke up and we where together for 5 months and he said he losted feelings and that he was tried of arguing but I thought the arguing made us stronger. He smoked weed and I made him stop because I wanted him healthy and I didn't like it, but I guess he didn't see that but I made him choose weed or me and he choose me but 2 months later He broke up with me and I don't know. Why?? His mom and mine got in an big argument and his mom told my mom he would not come back over my house and he's 16 and we thought u could be 16 to move out your parents house but it's not…. He told him mom he was moving out so he could be with me but then his mom came and got him and he was crying and saying he loved me that he didn't want what was happinin come between us and that I was the only person he wanted. But when he got home he changed, and he broke up with me. He said he losted feelings but before he left me house he said he loved me and was crying. But then 48 hours later he said he didn't love me anymore or that he wanted nun to do with me but I don't know why. It wasn't his parents because they said we could still date but he ended it. He's telling others people I stopped him from doing what he liked meaning (weed) it's been 6 days know from when we broke up and he said he's over me and that he wants nothing to do with me. But I don't know why???? He says he doesn't think about me.

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