He doesn’t say “I love you”
June 25, 2008
I’m asking a question that is really close to my heart. I’ve been dating a very sweet and caring guy that lives about 2 hours away. We see each other on the weekend and we have a lot of fun. But lately I’ve been feeling kind of weird. The reason is, is that he used to send me tons of sexy text messages in the mornings, but now, like nothing. we do talk at night for about 20 minutes or so, but he knows how much those messages mean to me and it just seems one sided, I kept sending him these messages but then I stopped because he didn’t. How do I know if he feels as much about me as I do about him? We are both kinda of scared of getting hurt and I think he doesn’t want to scare me by coming on too thick, but its been 4 months and there is no “I love you” or even a “I miss you”. It feels like he doesn’t care as much during the week but does a lot during the weekend. We share a lot of our friends and I know that he wouldn’t cheat on me, because he is not like that and our friends would be very mad at him. I’m just not sure what to do, is it worth it? I love him but I don’t want to be going for someone who is not ready for a real relationship. Should I talk to him about it? I don’t want to scare him off either…
In the beginning of every relationship, there is so much to talk about, and it’s exciting. You’re learning all about your new boyfriend/girlfriend. Once that first phase of the relationship has passed, it can seem like there isn’t a lot to talk about. So that may be why the text messaging has dwindled and the phone conversations are shorter.
However, after 4 months he should be able to be comfortable expressing his feelings to you. This is the one thing in your question that has concerned me. I would talk to him and figure out his feelings before assuming it is because you think he doesn’t want to come on “too thick.” Definitely, definitely talk to him about it. Tell him what you expect in a relationship. If he is not ready for a real relationship, then it is time to move on, because this is something you want very much.
For a relationship to be successful, two people have to be completely open and comfortable with each other. Never be scared to ask any questions.
Your perception of his lack of caring during the week and being more caring during the weekend may be a reflection of him having a lot of stress during the weekdays. It may be his work, or if the case is he only sees you on the weekends, maybe he is having trouble connecting with you when he can’t be with you. He may not even realize he’s doing this, so definitely mention this to him. If he knows your needs in a relationship, he may be willing to adjust or come to some sort of compromise.
What you got here, Natasha, is just a changing of the phases of the relationship. When a relationship starts, you are both in what is commonly referred to as the “romance phase”. However, it definitely appears that you are now out of this phase, whether you like it or not. It is very common for the guy to slow down the communication once he feels comfortable. Guys also have a problem, which I suffer from too, of misinterpreting these “sexy” text messages as a way to keep tabs on the guy. For instance, you might think you are sending him a cute message to brighten his day, while he might think that you are sending him a message to see where he his and what he is doing, but hiding it as something nice. (I know, confusing and probably stupid, but true in my experience. I have also seen several guy friends respond similarly.)
Another thing to thing to think about is that you are 2 hours away. Yes, he will not cheat on you, but since you are further away, it almost may be possible that it might feel to him as if he is in a convenient relationship. When he has the time (weekend) he can show you how much he cares, but when he is the slightest bit busy, he feels that you are not first, second, or even third in his priorities on life. This, again, is typical of a long distance relationship.
Now, I feel you should address these concerns. Do not go demanding to get text messages, or more sexy talk. This will cause talk that is forced, and you know that he is only doing it because you are telling him to. Express how you feel. Say “I feel sad because you act as if you are growing tired of the relationship. I would feel better and more comfortable with us if we talked a little more throughout the day.” You know, “I” statements. Don’t put the blame on him, since this is just a natural progression of a relationship. And then again, after addressing your feelings, if he doesn’t shape up, you might need to amicably end the relationship since it isn’t fair to either of you if no one is totally happy.