LDR Advice from Michelle and Frank

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On and off long distance relationship

I am 15 turning 16 in September. The person that I talk to is turning 16 in august. His name is Austin and we live over 1000 miles away. I have known him for almost two years and saw him in person the first time that I met him (his grandma lives near me). I will get to see him next summer. We have liked each other off and on through out the year though I always have and I still do like him. A couple of months ago we talked almost every night. If we didn’t talk we would at least text. After about a year and half he said he loved me and I fell for it. I said that I loved him too and I meant it and I still do.

Then one night I said it to him and he said we shouldn’t say it anymore. I knew that day it was coming and he liked someone new. He has a gf now. Has had one for a month. He would say, “Oh I hanged with my gf.” He has done this a number of times to me and it hurts every time he moves on… he doesn’t always get a gf though and then he will come back to me. He told me the other day that he “accidentally” did something with his gf (they didn’t go all the way) two days before he told me that he said he wanted to see me and basically he said he wanted to have sex with me.

I can’t really trust him and I think all I can really do is leave. I am not really sure he is nice and all and he cares but he just doesn’t understand.

Whats your advice or what you think? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Sincerely,

Jami

Michelle says…

It is clear to me, Jami, that you want to have a serious relationship. This is not what Austin wants at all, and he is obviously not ready for one. You said he has a girlfriend, but he says when he sees you he wants to have sex with you. He wants to cheat on his girlfriend. If he is willing to cheat on another girl, he will cheat on you too. Figuratively speaking, he has already been cheating you… out of a relationship that you deserve by leading you on. I think you would be unfair to yourself if you remained in this relationship. Clearly this is not the type of relationship you want. He may like you and care about you, but he is not ready to be in a serious relationship. From what you have told me, the thing he cares mostly about right now is fulfilling his sexual needs… not being in a committed relationship or finding love. You say you can’t trust him, and that is a reason to live all in itself. Without trust, any relationship will fail, and a long distance relationship especially. Long distance relationships require 100% trust in each other if they are to work. If you choose to be in a relationship with Austin you will spend a lot of time worrying about where he is and what he’s doing.

Should you completely break ties though? That can be a tough decision. You have to ask yourself if you’ll be able to move on while still being friends with him. If you think you’ll lust for him and not able to think about other guys, then maybe you should consider parting ways. He has hurt you after all. If you choose to remain friends, make it clear that all you want to be is just friends, and that it would be unacceptable for him to lead you on or act like anything more than a friend.

Michelle

Frank says…

I don’t know if he cares as much as you think. To tell someone you love them, then decide to stop saying it is bad. To get a girlfriend and then tell you about their time together is worse. And then to toy with your emotions by saying he wants to have sex with you but (almost) does it with someone else is even worse.

Really, I have the feeling that this boy, Austin, is unsure of what he wants. He is young, and immature in his own way. Sometimes, at this age, you cannot comprehend, as a boy, what you are doing to girls by the words and actions you choose.

You have two choices, in my opinion. One, break off contact with him. I understand you love him, but why are you giving your love to someone that doesn’t take it and give it totally back? You are going to be 16. I believe that you will find another. One that loves you always, AND shows it. The other choice is to call him up one night and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you love him and want to be with him. You might also add that, if he does not want to be with you, the least he could do is stop toying with your emotions by proposing sex, then doing it with another. Perhaps this will lead to a casual friendship between you two, or a real relationship. Or it might end it.

Probably the best thing to do is to do a combination of the both. Tell him how you feel, and then break it off. Get over him. It is unfortunate to say or to read, for you, but I think that maybe Austin is not cut out for a long distance relationship. Trust is paramount in a LDR.

Frank

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