Dear Miss U,
I’ve really enjoyed going through your website, you have got some very inspiring things.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 6 months now, and most of it has been long distance. I live in the UK and he lives in America. I’ve tried to move there before but things didn’t work out for me, so I was hoping he’d consider moving here, just at least consider it. However, he recently told me out of the blue that he’s already planned to go to a different city in America to pursue his dreams and nothing about him visiting me or even looking for a job here. I haven’t seen him in 3 months and I have a feeling, by the looks of things, I’m not going to see him until probably next year.
I love him so much it actually hurts but I don’t know if us just seeing each other for a month every year is really going to work out. Like is this even a proper relationship? For how many more years am I supposed to be sitting here, crying almost every night because of how much I miss him, I just really don’t know what to do.
I’m not sure if you help with such situations but I thought I’d give it a go anyway.
I’m sure you have already done this, but I have to make sure: Have you had a conversation with him about this? Did you tell him how it made you feel that he’s planning a move – planning a life – and you don’t feature in any part of it?
Is it possible that he is genuinely unaware that a plan needs to be formed and put into action for you to close the distance otherwise it will never happen? Perhaps this move to a different city is a temporary thing in his mind, something he needs to do for himself before he is ready to settle down?
You need to ask him how many more years he expects this relationship to be a long distance one. It’s ok if he’s not ready now, or has been so comfortable and happy in the relationship that he hasn’t put too much thought into it, but it’s quite another if he just expects you’ll take care of everything.
I hope talking to him clears things up. If you’ve already spoken to him and he just doesn’t care, buy some really fancy ice cream, take a week off work/school, and get your grieving over and done with now so that you can find someone in the future who cares about you as much as you care about them.
And thank you for your kind words, I too am a big fan of everything Michelle and Frank have achieved here!
Dear Miss U,
I started talking to this girl that lived in another state quite a few months back, I have even flown out to see her. She seems to be going through a lot of issues and I’m trying to be there for her. The problem is she still talks to her ex-husband. They aren’t on good terms and he harasses her often but she says if she ignores him he only gets worst. It’s frustrating because I can’t seem to make an official relationship form while he is still dragging her down. I feel I’m the only one trying to make the relationship progress, but at the same time, I wonder if that’s me just being over needy. When we first started talking we stayed up all night on skype till we fell asleep next to each other, and though we send each other video messages I have been unable to have like another date with her. Am I wasting my time? Am I not trying hard enough? Or am I trying too hard?
Reading this makes me afraid for her. I too have been in the situation where I felt safer if I kept on the good side of a dangerous ex. As is probably becoming obvious to you, she’s not ready to progress her relationship with you. Hell, she’s probably still trying to remember who she is after the circus that is a toxic relationship followed by divorce. Hopefully one day soon she’ll have the resources and strength to cut him out of her life, blocking him, changing her number or even moving if necessary; until then she likely needs a friend more than anything else. Someone who helps her feel safe and builds up her sense of self-worth and capability. Someone who nurtures and encourages her.
If you’re going to be this woman’s forever person, you’re going to have to be patient. I don’t think you’re trying too hard, but I do warn you not to push too hard.
Lastly, it’s ok to be a bit needy in a relationship. It’s normal to seek support and reassurance. It’s a good sign that you want to spend time with her. Don’t be afraid to gently voice what you need or let her know you’re ready for more but be prepared to respect her limits if she hasn’t reached the same place emotionally.