Dear Miss U,
So I have a tendency of always destroying any relationship I have with another person. But I have been talking to this guy for about 2 years now, and he seems to be the perfect guy (I know I’m not the best at picking guys, but we just automatically clicked). The only problem is that he lives all the way in Nevada, and I live in Arizona. We know that we like each other and we have Snapchatted, Skyped, and etc, but is it worth getting in a LDR? We haven’t really talked about dating, but it’s has been constant flirting and at this point I don’t know what to do.
Falling for Reno
You have to understand that I’m coming from a place of bias. Of course I think long distance relationships are worth it, mine was a roaring success and beyond that if people stopped dating over distance I’d be out of a job!
In all seriousness, I think that in life the most worthwhile part is the people and the relationships we build with them. There’s nothing more important than love, family, and lasting friendship. People are everything. Love is King.
Distance? Distance is nothing. It’s just one of many obstacles you will face as you progress through this story that is life. Enjoy this experience that might be blossoming into love, revel in everything that makes him unique and attractive to you. You can deal with the distance later if it comes to that.
Dear Miss U,
E and I started our relationship fast. He’s from Argentina, lives in Ecuador, I am from the US, live in Colombia. We are lucky to see each other every 3 weeks because he has a flyback week. At first, we would talk every day/night via Skype, phone calls, and WhatsApp all day, etc. The last couple months he doesn’t care to talk as much or at all but he says he’s just busy or tired. He says he still loves me, that I shouldn’t see the negative side, and that I should just let it be. For his last flyback, he decided to go to NYC with his friend instead of coming to see me; he told me about it when I asked him if he was coming to see me.
There have changes in his behavior in how he talks to me and how long he talks to me. He changes the subject whenever I bring something up that I feel/think or he gets defensive. Tonight, e.g. he hadn’t called me for a couple days, he kept sending me pictures from NYC, and I told him to have fun. At 11:30 pm, he hadn’t written anything, I saw that he had signed on so I texted him goodnight, then I called him because he says I shouldn’t wait for him to call, so I did. He denied my call 1st, didn’t answer the 2nd/3rd, he wrote that people were sleeping & had to get out, then he called me. He said he had 2% battery so it was goodnight and done.
He says he loves me, he wants to be with me, but I don’t see the effort anymore. This is my first LDR and wonder if I’m not cut out for it or if it’s just not working. Is it obvious that is not going to work?
You need to talk about the minimum standard of contact you require in a relationship. I feel like he’s happy with a more relaxed approach but when the two of you are not in contact you begin to second-guess the relationship or read too much into his silence. The goal of relationships (in my opinion) is that both people in them thrive from contact with each other – and both people ought to be as invested in the other person’s happiness as they are their own. It can be hard to establish a comfortable level of communication that doesn’t require an all-out sacrifice of one or both partners’ social lives, but it needs to be done.
For the most part, I think you need to take him at his word. Relationships don’t work without trust. He says he loves you and wants to continue the relationship so there’s no reason to think he is lying. If something in the relationship is unsustainable for you, you need to tell him that. Try “I love you and want to make it work too, but I can’t handle feeling so lonely and out of the loop. Can we agree to have a call every second day?” for example.
I also find that texting/Snapchatting leads some people to feel like they have been talking to someone all day, yet the amount of connection that has taken place is quite minimal. If he’s sending a lot of pictures he might feel like he’s been engaging with you a lot and not understand that you don’t feel as connected by that as you would from a phone call. It can be really beneficial not just to talk about the frequency of contact, but the mediums used.
To me it becomes obvious it’s not going to work at the point where one or both partners isn’t willing to listen or work on the problems anymore. Like he has said, don’t focus so much on the negatives, or that uncertainty will undermine everything good in your relationship.