Dear Miss U,
After 8 months of being in a relationship, my boyfriend has gone to the UK to study and he is coming back next month (June) for his holidays after 9 months of studies. He intends to go back in September and plans to settle down over there. We both knew since the beginning that he intends to settle down in the UK while I have absolutely no wish to move out of my home country but we were too much in love and too immature to consider this matter.
We really love each other but now he is saying that he wishes to break up with me because we can’t have a future together as he will not come back again and I will not move in with him, leaving behind my family. What should I do? I really love him, I do not want to break up with him, I can’t imagine my life without him. He means a lot to me, my first love, my first boyfriend, my first guy best friend, I have already planned my future with him. But he is also right as we cannot go on with this relationship if we have no future together.
What’s the use of a difficult LDR when you know it is going to be broken in the near future? I have no idea how to react, what to tell him, how to deal with this situation. I always thought that two people who are in love can never get separated. I’m losing faith in love, even in my love for him. I don’t think I can even get over this. So many memories, so many plans we had for the future, everything is all over.
Please help me make a good decision. Please.
Ps. Sorry for my poor English.
As a Wiccan, I understand love of the land about as well as anyone (except perhaps an indigenous person) and it’s certainly true that where a person is can impact their wellbeing, sometimes on levels that don’t even make logical sense. For him, clearly, the UK is where it’s at. He’s not willing to compromise on that, but is there something else that he is willing to compromise on? Has he tried to work with you to make a move attractive in any way? Has he at any point offered you whatever aid he can or invited you to make a life over there with him, or is it – has it always been – about him?
I’m asking these questions to help you gauge if he’s worth following. I know love can seem all-encompassing but there are a lot of qualities in a partner that are equally if not more important. He needs this UK move for his own wellbeing, but outside of that does he consider you first? Are you and your feelings, your wellbeing, your dreams and goals a priority for him? In what ways does he show you this?
My impression is that the main sticking point for you is family. Have you researched how much it would cost to visit home if you did move? Is it a long expensive fight, or a reasonably manageable one? We all love our families, but is your family dynamic such that it could be adapted to long distance, or are you physically involved in each other’s daily lives? For example, some families are very close, but their bonding activities are mostly talking, shopping together, watching shows or playing games – all things that can be adapted to distance. Other families do things like looking after each other’s children, cooking for each other, or assisting in various practical ways that can’t be duplicated from afar.
Whilst it is hard to leave our loved ones, I feel that most parents expect their kids to one day grow up and go out into the big wide world and that it doesn’t have to be a negative thing.
With that said, it’s also normal, expected even, to have a few relationships that while wonderful at the time, don’t work out for one reason or another. These relationships help shape us. They teach us a lot and give us wonderful memories, even if they aren’t meant to be. It’s ok to say “I love you but my life is here, call me when you’re in town and we can rehash the old stories.”
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you to put your thoughts on paper. Write a pros and cons list, get to the heart of how you feel, your whys and why nots, and do what you need to do for yourself. Live your life for yourself and don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to fail. Just live. If you move and it’s the wrong decision you can always come home again.
P.S. Your English is fine, you should be proud of how well you write.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. We clicked immediately and have hit a few rough spots, but we’ve had a nice, healthy relationship overall. However, recently the distance between us (me in the US, and him in Germany) has really been eating at us. We send each other things. I’m about to send him a letter and he’s even mailed me one of his shirts! It’s just so hard for us to be so far away, and visiting isn’t really an option right now. Do you have any idea what we could do to make it a little bit bearable?
Unsure and sad
One of the best things you can do for your long distance relationship is not focus on the fact it’s a long distance relationship. Getting caught up in the inconvenience and unfairness of it all will only erode your relationship from within. Instead, focus on gratitude and on keeping it fun.
Long distance isn’t easy. Sometimes it actually really blows. But that’s life for you. Marriage is like that. Building your career is like that. Having kids is like that. All the good things in life have parts that suck. Nothing worth doing is easy and the only thing you can control, generally, is your attitude. If you come at it from a place of acceptance and gratitude, and you let yourself get excited for the future rather than bemoaning that it isn’t your present you can enjoy each day for what it is.
The time will pass. You will get older and gain both freedom and a better income. Until then work with what you’ve got and make it awesome. Think of cute things you can do that near-proximity couples can’t. Plan surprises. Be lame and corny and make each other smile – that’s what it’s all about!
Most people don’t find their special person so young in life; they would say you’ve got it easy, that the hard part is already done. Remind yourself of the good things, and the bad things lose their power.