Dear Miss U,
I got reconnected with an old classmate, and we are in love despite the miles. I had just joined the Air Force. I have a contract. He knew. We got engaged, planned the wedding, 3 months out he says he can’t move, and can’t marry me. We decided to try and make it work just as girlfriend and boyfriend. But it was like something was still eating at our relationship.
Last night he told me that for a while now he’s been losing feelings for me. That hurt. We have a year and a half until this distance can end. He’s not sure he can make it. How do I show him we are worth it? That I’m worth it? How do I help him grow his feelings and love for me again? I can’t just see him whenever. He’s in WY, and I am in NJ. I have only so many days I can travel and so does he. We had planned on meeting up again in Sep. But that’s a long ways away with our relationship on a sinking ship.
How do I get him to help me repair the hole that is sinking us down? What can I do? We are young. We are in a LDR. But we’ve survived it before. How do we keep fighting all these odds? He says he still loves me. That I’m his best friend and less like a lover. How do I get that part back? Despite the distance? How do I save my heart from breaking? How do I save him from breaking? He feels he lost a part of him. The part that is emotional, loves, and is sensitive. How do I get that part back to him? How do I help him find that part of him? How do I help him evolve into he wants to be, and keep us together? I really need your help. Please.
If he still loves you and you’re best friends, I’m going to say that what your relationship needs is more sexual intimacy. Do you have phone sex? Do you send sexts? Have you discovered the thrill of raunchy Snapchats? Is it at all possible to get some mutual masturbation time in? Just as having intercourse nourishes bonds for near-proximity people so too does getting your freak on despite the distance. Beyond this talk to him about his needs and what he thinks could strengthen your relationship.
It saddens me, but we can’t make people love us. We can only be ourselves, try to keep things fun by doing enjoyable things together (at a distance) as much as possible, and love them ferociously.
Dear Miss U,
I’m from Pakistan and my boyfriend is from India. We’ve been in a long distance relationship for 2 years and we haven’t met yet because going to India or coming to Pakistan is one of the hardest things ever due to hatred these both countries hold for each other. We miss each other so much. I really want to meet him. I’m going to turn 17 and he’s 22. I’m not even allowed to go abroad yet and same reasons for him. Sometimes we both get so upset for not being in each other’s arms. We feel so sad that sometimes we can’t cope with it and we only give hope to each other that well meet one day. Due to the hatred between these countries, no one will accept us, but we don’t want to give up on each other without even meeting.
There’s too much hate in the world, it cripples us, the human race.
I can’t offer a suggestion on closing the distance permanently, as that is a long way in the future, but my suggestion for your first meet is to both meet in a third country, somewhere cultural hate will be less of an issue. My first thought is Canada, but I’m sure there are other suitable places.
Save up while you wait to become an adult. Work hard and put that money away. And then when you are old enough you can meet up and travel together.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend recently accepted a job 12-14 hours away from me. It is an amazing job and is totally going to advance his career tremendously. However, I still feel so bitter and resentful over him moving. The move has honestly left me heartbroken while he is very excited about his move. I’m not happy about his move at all, nor am I happy that he’s so happy away from me.
I feel like it’s his fault that we are long distance now and resent him for not taking a job closer, even though I KNOW him taking the job was 100% the right thing to do.
My resentment has caused daily fights between us and it is damaging our relationship. I know I have to accept his move but I genuinely do not know how or where to even begin. Any advice on how I can better cope?
He has been incredibly patient with me as I try to adjust to his move but I do worry about the damage I’m causing. I don’t want to break up at all.
Dear Resentful Girlfriend,
Did you have any say in his decision? Did he ever offer for you to join him?
I’m wondering if maybe you’re more resentful for how the move happened rather than just that it did happen. Was he kind to you during the process? Did he ask what he could do to make the transition easier on you? Did you get a look-in at all, or was it all about him?
If any of your lingering resentment is about how everything went down or things that could have been handled better, I encourage you to hash that shit out. Talk about it until you feel heard. Figure out exactly what the hurtful part is and ask him for reassurance and support to move past it.
Other than that focus on how his career success can benefit you, your future and the future of the family you might one day have together. (Totally including pets here if you’re not into human children!) When you’re in a relationship for the long haul nothing is just about him or just about you. You’re a team, and you win and lose as a team.
Try to be happy for him and focus on your own study/career prospects. Being busy and fulfilled in your everyday life takes away the space resentment needs to thrive.