Dear Miss U,
He used to call and send me video messages. Now it’s reduced to just texting via Facebook, WhatsApp and Viber. He promised to come visit in December last year. He did not push through. Promised to visit in March, did not push through. Now I am visiting him in the USA. He seems too busy to plan anything. He said we’d be together for two weeks. Now it’s down to just 6 days.
I don’t understand. Is our love ending? I am seriously hurting.
I’m sorry for your pain. Nothing grieves me the same way as seeing loyal good-hearted people stuck in painful situations without a clue as to what’s going on. Sadly, I’m not a mind reader and even if I was I don’t know this guy; I can’t tell you what he’s thinking. You can ask him though, and even if he avoids your question that will still be an answer of sorts. Maybe he’s scared. Or maybe he’s lazy, undedicated and not as into you as you are into him. I can’t say.
Talk to him and if he won’t work with you to resolve your heartache and confusion then leave him in your dust. The heartache of healing and moving on is, in my opinion, more fruitful than the pain of a drawn-out one-sided dead-end relationship.
What would you tell your best friend if she were in your shoes?
Dear Miss U,
So it started with this guy being my brothers best friend, He’s in Corpus Christi, me in Dallas, and we never intended to like each other but once we started talking it escalated from there. It was kind of crazy as to how perfectly our conversations were. Everything was perfect, we had SO MUCH in common. We have the same sense of humor which is a big thing for me, and everything in every aspect was going so good. But I don’t remember when it started but we would start to get in little arguments over the phone about the littlest things. But once we get into these arguments they’re the absolute worst. We get so deep into them that we actually don’t get over it until the next day.
What my question is, why did we start off as it being almost too good to be true TO going to deep into our arguments that it gets so emotional? We’re both head over heels for one another. It is just so confusing as to why we have these issues if it started so great. We even already planned our future about moving together to growing old together. There is a point to where I’ve come to that I’m so tired of fighting and the assumptions that I want to call it quits but I also love him so much. Miss U what do I do?
Troubled in Texas
Sometimes when we humans are in a heightened state emotionally (such as from being head-over-heels in love) every emotion, every little thing, seems like a big deal. I’m not a psychologist or anything, I’m coming to this conclusion just from life experience and observation, but I know for myself at least if I’m already feeling tired, for example, I will get frustrated with less provocation or if I’m feeling emotionally vulnerable because I’ve been opening my deepest self to someone I’m then more sensitive to perceived criticism. Could something like this be contributing to what you are experiencing?
Another potential causation could be that you’re spending too much time ‘together.’ There can be “too much of a good thing” even in long distance relationships. If you’re spending significantly more time online, especially if that time is spent indoors being sedentary, that’s a recipe for restlessness and shorter fuses too.
Moving past this rocky patch is going to take some self-awareness. Look at what your triggers are, pay attention to when arguments occur and what sets them off. Are you talking about hot-button issues at night when one or both of you doesn’t have the stamina for it? Look too at the language each of you are using; is the way you are saying things putting each other on the defensive? I’ve covered how to argue extensively in past articles, it might be worth having a search for them and seeing if you can improve your technique.
What kind of things are you arguing about? Are these deep moral issues that will affect how you live together, how you will raise potential children or interact with each other’s family and friends? Are they issues you actually need to agree on, or are you just fighting over crap that doesn’t matter? This is a skill that can benefit everyone: the ability to stop mid-argument and ask “does this actually matter?”
And finally, are you remembering to be kind and respectful during disagreements? Are you arguing about the facts or do you just dissolve into personal attacks? Are you resolving issues and benefiting the relationship in the long term by ironing out the wrinkles, or are you destroying yourselves with the need to always be right?
I’m sure he doesn’t want to fight anymore either so show him this letter. Sit down together and figure out (on paper is best) what the root of your arguments are and what steps you need to take to come back to harmony. It’s perfectly normal not to see eye to eye on every little thing. You’re never going to find a partner that you agree with about everything; now’s as good a time as any to work as a team to put a management strategy in place for when disagreements happen.
Keep it civil, talk it out, and try not to take everything personally.