Living Now

Kindnotes

Dear Miss U,

So I’m very nervous about my girlfriend coming up in 53 days. We are both parents and agreed to stay in a hotel (I’m a single father and nobody but my mother, whom I currently assist, can help watch my son) and not have kids apart of this first visit.

We have consistent contact throughout the day, I’m a stay at home editor/proofer and she currently attends school and works for a law firm in Texas. We also often sleep on Skype together.

We both are both scared about the fast approaching weekend.

What are some tips we could use to calm our nerves? To make meeting seem less nerve racking.

Thanks so much!

-Scared In PA

Hi Scared,

Your relationship sounds beautiful. I can understand the fear too, you have such a great connection and when things are going well there will always be that fear that change of any sort will ruin what we are currently enjoying. Of course, without change, we can’t move forward and then stagnation threatens instead.

I admit I am a very socially anxious person. It’s an ongoing struggle for me. So some of my tips might be a bit over-the-top for you. I personally find that knowing what to expect and setting boundaries helps me calm my nerves.

For example, when Mr. E and I finally set a date to meet we talked a lot about what we imagined it would be like. I was worried I’d be too scared to speak at all, but Mr. E said he’d understand and be cool about it if that happened. We even made a code word I could say. He imagined sweeping me off my feet and kissing me passionately and I went ahead and burst his bubble; it made me more comfortable if I could make the first move in my own time.

Talk about it. And then no matter what is decided, take flowers or pick up her favorite coffee, because that little bit of extra effort is memorable, and because when we hold things in our hands it helps us not fidget.

Before we met neither of us had much in the way of body confidence, so we spoke at length about that too. He worried I wouldn’t be able to look past his bracers and scars, I was convinced he’d be disappointed by my tiny rack or repulsed by the multitude of other things I imagined were wrong with my body. As we weren’t going to be able to hide these things we figured we may as well get it out in the open, and I feel like that helped too. Discuss your fears (whatever they are), support each other and then move on.

Making lists so nothing important is overlooked can also be beneficial as can meditation. I know, my hippie is showing, but you really can’t beat meditation for peace of mind.

Beyond that, I actually feel like the nerves are a positive thing and that you should relish the anticipation! This is exciting. Other people talk about their weddings as the best day of their lives but honestly, for me, nothing will top the day I met Mr. E in person for the first time. Nothing.

Enjoy your kid-free weekend!


Dear Miss U,

I already have a lot of things going against me and my kind of significant other – like his age, immaturity, and not sure what he wants out of life. I’ve been watching TV shows lately that tell me why are we always planning for the future instead of living for right now? So it’s got me thinking in my head, I want to live for right now…to spend time with him, knowing at some point it still may not work out.

He’s distanced himself because he knows he’s not good boyfriend material. He doesn’t have a job and is still going to college. I know he’s working on it. We enjoy each other’s company but I know because of being different pages in life, it won’t work.

I was thinking about taking a job offer far away, should I? Maybe we need some time apart. He’s the one who has only ever come back to me after some time which makes me think he is The One for me…but we aren’t in a good situation right now to properly pursue this relationship.

What to do? Stop contact? Continue to be friends knowing we both want more but can’t give more? Move if a job opportunity comes along?

Friends say I shouldn’t settle for him but we have a lot of common interests and enjoy hanging out. Other men my age even if they may have a career, didn’t have common interests with me or the time, and didn’t put me as a priority.

Help!

Thanks in advance,
– Girl

Hey Girl!

No, it won’t work – at least not with that attitude!

What I really want to say to you right now is: Fuck the money! When you’re lying on your death bed I guarantee you’re not going to be thinking “If only I married a rich man…”

This dude is 22, I would expect him to be in college at 22, setting himself up for the future. I see that it’s not ideal that he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life yet, and I wonder what he can be studying if he’s not aiming for something, but he can work a few years at whatever he chooses, pay off his student debt, and then if he chose badly he can try again. Gone are the days where you chose a career out of high school and worked that job until you died. He could study at night and work during the day if need be. There are always options.

When I look for a partner I look for someone who respects me. Violence against women is rampant in my country, so my number one goal is to be with someone who won’t abuse me or the kids. Beyond that, I want someone who I can relate to, have fun with and share my innermost self with. I want to feel safe and supported. I want to feel valued and not taken for granted. My ideal partner is kind, demonstrative of his emotions and thinks I’m sexy even with my leg hair because I’m not shaving for any man. And he’s hardworking, even when he’s unemployed.

A person can have a job and still be a lazy good-for-nothing, just as hardworking people can struggle to break into their industries. “Work” isn’t just gainful employment either, it’s unpaid work. He needs to know how to work the dishwasher and how to mop a floor. And he needs to do so without complaining. Study is also work. Think about it: Does your SO apply himself to his studies or does he miss class and stay up partying three nights a week? Don’t focus on his unemployment, pay attention to his character. He might not have money right now, but is he good with the resources he does have? Does he have similar ideas about saving and spending that you do? Being able to talk about and manage money in the long term is way more important that worrying about where his carer is at right in this moment.

Being in different stages of life is a challenge, but it isn’t insurmountable. Maybe being long distance for a while would benefit you both. Or you could be friends with benefits, live in the moment without pressure, and see where it goes. I’m all for playing the long game; you don’t need all the answers right away.

You say that maybe he is the one for you; well here’s something I know about that: Life with “the one” won’t always be easy. The situation won’t always be ideal. You will have to navigate a sea of shit together in your lifetime. That’s that what that marriage vow “for better or worse” is about. Because of this, I personally can’t see a point in waiting until the time is right. The only time that is guaranteed to us is right now, so live it right now, even if it’s not perfect.

Yes, it would be nice if he had his life together. But it’s also nice that he doesn’t because if he did his plans might not include you. If you help him make plans and get on his feet, you’re undoubtedly going to be part of that future. What makes a man a keeper isn’t his job – you’re a big girl who can earn her own damn money! – it’s in his nature and how he treats you.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author
Miss U

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.


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