Dear Miss U,
I have been going out with and was living together with my boyfriend of 17 years. We have been together from 2000-present. We had our ups and downs but more ups than downs. I moved to Florida in September 2016 to take care of my father. My boyfriend stayed in Nevada because of his job. I miss him every single day and I love him to the moon and back. Now I feel I did not make the right decision. Was it wrong of me to move here? I put my father first here; I feel awful 🙁 My boyfriend and I talk every single day and I hope he will move here one day too. Was it wrong of me to put my father first? My dad’s health is not too good and he lost his wife (my step-mom) going on 3 years now. My dad is 84. Please help me.
Missing my boyfriend
It is never wrong to put your family ahead of your own desires, particularly when they need you and you have to make a decision urgently. With that said, sometimes we make a decision and then have to reassess a while later to see if everything is working out. To me, this solution does not seem sustainable in the long term, and it’s time to come up with a new plan.
It’s not enough to hope that your boyfriend will one day move; you need to have a serious discussion about whether or not he is willing to, and if he is, you need to make a plan together and start taking the first steps toward that end goal. You’ve been together long enough to know whether you’re in this for the long haul and if you are then you need to be doing two things:
1) Working as a team for the betterment of the relationship, with each other’s needs and desires being as important as your own.
2) Embracing each other’s families as your own.
Is there a reality in which your dad would be willing to move in with you? Could you and your partner pay for his relocation so you can have the best of both worlds? Would his access to healthcare and leisure activities he cares about be the same or better in Nevada? Maybe this could be a viable solution if your boyfriend can’t or won’t move.
Overall, I think you have done the right thing. I think we owe it to our parents to support them in old age the way they supported us in childhood, but I am also a big believer in living life for yourself / not giving up your life for your parent because they wouldn’t want us to do that. They gave us life because they loved us and wanted to see us thriving. I also recognize that kids don’t always live close to their parents and so situations like yours are becoming more and more frequent.
Talk to your partner and your dad – remembering you love them both and they both love you – and find out what your options are. Don’t beat yourself up for being a kind-hearted family person, those are assets! Just take the time to reassess, and remember that you too deserve to be happy.
Dear Miss U,
I’m having some drama in my relationship right now problem is that I think my girlfriend is in touch with her ex. and it really bothers me in an insecure way. She told me he had cheated on her and that she doesn’t accept that kind of betrayal. And she told me in a recent talk, “Yes, I lasted a long time with him and at a certain point he was very important in my life but something that you need to understand: that’s my past and you got to live with it and accept it.”
I really don’t know what to think I was never this jealous before in a relationship maybe because I fell for her in a very special way and I really hate to have this insecurity. Please, I need some advice.
She said she would never cheat and she is scared if I cheat.
Can I trust her? I don’t want to lose her but at the same time, I don’t want to be the reason for her unhappiness. I really want to make her feel like she’s the only girl in the world.
Confused and overthinking
Like your girlfriend has said, you need to accept that she has a past – that she had a life before she even knew you existed – and you need to live with that. In short: get over it.
Even if she still speaks to her ex on occasion, let it go. He’s her past. She’s with you. That’s all there is to it.
She doesn’t need to feel like the only girl in the world, she needs to feel loved, respected, safe and trusted.
This is only a big deal if you make it into one.