No How to Know How

Dear Miss U,

I just want to have your thoughts about this. Feels like my boyfriend is still holding up his feelings to love me with all of his heart. He told me, he’s been so broken before, he loved this girl so much but things didn’t work and he can’t let that happen again; to be hurt like crazy. We started as boyfriend and girlfriend last June 2016, then he came here to meet me November 14, 2016 for 2 weeks. Being with him feels really good, he was so gentle and caring and sweet and much more. I feel that he really loves me. He said we should get married this year 2017. But every time I told him I love you and I miss you he’s not answering. I confronted him about this and he said he is trying his best. Now I’m too shy to say I love you and I miss you. I feel rejected. I was thinking he really doesn’t like me plus he hasn’t introduced me to any of his friends or family, even on just on chat. I mean there’s skype, I’m sure that will do if he wanted to show me. Idk Am I just over reacting?

Thank you and hoping for your response
Crazyinlove

Dear Crazyinlove,

My thoughts are that it isn’t ok for someone to punish a new partner for the sins of an ex and that if he can’t allow himself to be vulnerable and take another chance then he needs to commit to being single and stop wasting your time.

With that said, your relationship is still really new and given enough time I would hope he would come to trust you and be able to open up to you completely. It makes sense that he’s not introducing you to his people if he’s not emotionally ready to put his heart on the line. As it stands right now, you’re in different chapters of the same book. You can either wait for him to catch up to where you are or you can find someone else who is hopefully on the same page as you.


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Dear Miss U,

So my boyfriend’s prom is coming up and, well, he said yes to her. How can I tell him I’m not okay with that? At the same time I want him to enjoy it and I don’t want to be a buzz kill. What can I do?

Lenny

Dear Lenny,

This relationship is brand new; it’s the perfect time to have a conversation about the rules of your relationship. Discuss the kind of things you both need and expect and let him know that you’re not comfortable with him going out in date-like situations with other people, at least not without him discussing it with you first!

Concerning prom, however, my advice is to let it go. He has already said yes and honestly, it’s just a dance. I don’t know what you imagine is going to happen, but really they are probably just going to have awkward conversations and tread on each other’s feet. Not a big deal.

Ask him politely to make it clear he’s in a relationship and they are just going as friends and then choose to trust him. Making plans for that evening so you’re not sitting at home fretting about what he is doing is also something I recommend.


Dear Miss U,

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for over a year, and yesterday I returned from my first visit to his place. I’m still in the stage where it hurts way too much, and it feels like I left a piece of me there, with him. The emotional pain I’m experiencing is physical, and no matter how hard I try to distract myself. If I fail for 1 second and end up thinking of the visit, I tear up and have to try really hard to avoid crying. The few days we spent together made me realize that the love and affection I have for him is even stronger than I thought and that I want to fight for us and make it work no matter what. It hurts though. It hurts so much. We won’t be able to close the distance for at least 4 years (because I’m a university student), adding up to more than 5 years of LDR, and I feel heart-broken, impatient and pessimistic that we won’t manage to do it even after those 4 years pass. I don’t want to lose him, he’s so precious to me and so lovely.

I guess I’m writing to you for some encouragement and advice on how to handle years-long LDRs, because you’ve mentioned in other replies that yours was pretty long too. I need some hope and right now I feel too broken to search for it internally, so I’m reaching out to you.

I know that it won’t be easy, I know that it will hurt. He’s beyond worth it, though, and I want to do the best I can for him and this relationship.

Thank you in advance.
N

Dear N,

Firstly I’d like to apologize for how long you have waited for this response, I do have quite the pile of letters and yours only made it to the light today. I recognize that it must have been a long couple of weeks of loneliness there, but I’m hopeful the edge of your pain has dulled a little with the passage of time.

I feel for you. The aftermath of that first visit is crippling. You thought you missed each other before but all of a sudden you actually KNOW exactly what you’re missing. There’s a new depth to your love, but also a new depth to the pain. I get it.

People write to me all the time asking how to cope, but you know what? There is no how. You just do. Because you don’t have a choice. You have to push through. When the only way is forward, you go forward, no matter how hard it is. No matter how much it hurts. There are no options, so you just do it. You face every day as it comes, one at a time and you make the most out of it. You count your blessings and at the end you smile because you’re one day closer to saying “good night” rather than “good bye.”

You’re right, Mr. E and I did the distance for many years. Five, in fact. I feel blessed because I didn’t know at the outset how long it would be. In the beginning, I didn’t even know where his country was. It didn’t matter, I just craved having him in my life in any way possible, even when he was just another screenname on MSN Messenger. By the time I realized how much ocean was in between us and how much money it would cost to do the visa paper work it was already too late. There was no other option. There was one road and only one road – the path that led to him.

I think it helps a lot if you put in the effort to make the distance portion of your relationship awesome. Don’t treat your love like it is on pause, actually do things together. Have fun, make memories, laugh! It’s entirely possible and so important. And don’t get too set on the original plan, have some flexibility. It is okay to put the relationship first sometimes. Look for opportunities to be together, even temporarily. Could one of you achieve a scholarship to study closer together for six months? Or perhaps he will be able to move closer to you while you’re still studying, remembering you can always move somewhere else together later on. Stay flexible and hopeful because magic tends to take the path of least resistance.

You can do this! It won’t get easier but you’ll get better at it. You will master LDRs, and then one day you will transcend.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!


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