Dear Miss U,
I’ve been in a loving relationship for almost 9 months now. However, since my girlfriend hasn’t seen me in a while, she felt the long distance was too much and we took a break in July. From there on, she said her feelings aren’t as strong as they once were, but lately, it’s been getting better, mainly because we didn’t want to give up so easily.
Anywho, I want to bring up the question, “Can we close the distance?” I’m not sure if it’s too soon. I’m scared of the future and I just don’t know what to do I don’t want her to lose her feelings if it ever comes to that.
Should we try to move in together? I’m too scared to ask her that in case I get rejected. Please help! I feel so uncertain.
Fearing the Future
P.S. She lives alone while I live with my family
Dear Fearing the Future,
I think the important thing for you to realize and voice to her is that talking about closing the distance doesn’t mean you’re doing it right this second. Instead of, “Can we close the distance?” maybe ask, “When were you thinking would be a good time to close the distance?” Express your interest without putting pressure on her. If she’s keen to move in together, start talking about the division of chores, who fills what role, how finances are managed, how much notice you should give each other before inviting friends around and how much time you think you will want to spend doing things together and alone.
The future is bright, but if it isn’t a little scary too you aren’t setting your goals high enough!
Dear Miss U,
I’ve known my boyfriend for about 13 years; he is my best friend, and after many years, I decided to date him. We have the same birthday, same interests, etc.
This is his first time in a LDR, and I had many. I tried so many things to get him to get on webcam, but he always has excuses.
I’ve met him many times within a year from TX to NY, when I asked him to come visit, even offered to buy a ticket, his pride would be in the way or he would tell me, “That isn’t top priority.” I know he has things to deal with, and I respect that, but I feel it’s not fair that he hasn’t visited me.
I’ve never dated any best friends, and I know it’s not the end of the world, but I want to make it work, and I feel desperate. All I can do is be patient, but I’m afraid not having the energy to go on with LDR in general. Spent countless years in LDRs.
Fun Fact, he was actually my first online “boyfriend” when I was young, ending up being friends, and now a couple again.
We both love each other, but I’m trying to start somewhere, move into an apt, and the thought of just leaving him makes me really depressed when he has saved me from depression and suicide attempts.
We recently got into a fight because he for once offered to be on webcam on his phone and I missed it, and he said, “Oh well, next time.” After numerous times I wanted to see him, I get sad, and he gets mad when I express how I feel. I feel like a beggar.
If you’re not one of his top priorities there’s something terribly wrong in this scenario. What, he’s got better things to do than spending time with the person he loves and nurturing his relationship? Who doesn’t want to see their long-distance partner? Perhaps he’s not as invested as you are. While that can be a painful realization, it doesn’t spell your doom. He might just take longer to reach the point you are at.
It’s also possible that he’s just not used to considering other people. You might have to really break it down for him. How would he feel if you could spend time with him but didn’t think he was worth the effort? While you’re at it, maybe run him through the basics of feminism. If you’re equals in the relationship, he doesn’t need to save his pride by rejecting financial help for something that benefits both of you. If he wouldn’t think it odd to pay for your ticket, why should the reverse be true?
Does he always make your emotions about him? Because that’s a red flag, watch out for that. It leads to manipulation. I’m going to assume this is not the case, and in every other scenario he’s supportive and uplifting rather than someone who makes you feel bad for having human emotions.
When it comes to web-cams, maybe he’s just uncomfortable with the technology; I can definitely relate to that. What helped me was having Mr. E explain to me why it was important and what part of an in-person relationship it replaced for him. Understanding his needs gave me a better incentive to get past my anxiety.
If I was you I would pick a time to sit down together and talk about priorities, the future, and timelines. Figure out what you want and need, not just from this relationship but in your life in the next five years and then make a plan with him to see if you can blend your priorities together. Find out where he is at emotionally. This will help you decide where to go from here, and if this relationship is the one you want to go with.
You’re on the same team. You want what is best for each other. Remind him of that.