Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months, after a week of meeting in person. We are now 11,000 km away waiting for our parents to accept our relationship and give us money to travel.
I am 24 years old and she is 18… we both attend University.
I have some trust issues with her, because she is really jealous, nearly possessive. She has no friends and she does not trust men because of past experiences. She is always checking me on social networks to find proof. I never said yes to her fool requests dictated by jealousy. I have to defend my liberties and friendships. Always being angry with her and sometimes arrogant makes me hurt. And I suffer for this. For example, she accuses me of hugging a girl in a photo 4 years ago.
What do I have to do about this stuff?
The second question is the position of my parents against this relationship. My parents are Catholic conservative and don’t understand LDRs. They always watch me when we Skype. And they don’t allow me to travel. Fortunately, I will graduate soon. They would like me to have more time for real relationships with friends. What should I do?
I feel so guilty towards both her and my parents.
Thanks a lot Miss U for your special support.
You are an adult, and even if you weren’t, I would still be here to tell you that your relationship is your responsibility. You work hard to get the money for your own travel, or you don’t travel. It’s not mummy and daddy’s problem. If you start managing your relationship like an adult they might have more understanding and respect for what’s going on.
Dear Lupus’s Girlfriend,
Hey there sister, I hear you have some issues with jealousy. It’s a beast that most of us have to wrestle with from time to time, so I totally get it, but listen – when you accuse a partner of cheating, snoop for proof, or generally act mistrustful, all you are doing is driving that person away. You are single-handedly destroying your own relationship. If you constantly suspect your boyfriend is cheating, and he’s getting in trouble for something he didn’t do, what reason does he have to stay faithful? None. So you need to cut it out.
If your intuition tells you that you can’t trust a guy, stop dating him. A relationship can’t survive without trust and respect, so you’re just wasting your time and everyone else’s. It’s not ok to try and control your partner. You can’t choose his friends or his friends’ genders. There’s also zero reason to get upset over friends or even lovers in his past. What possible good could it do to get worked up over that stuff when neither of you can change it? The past is gone, let it rest.
I’ve answered quite a few letters on jealousy in the past, so if you need tips for overcoming this demon, feel free to read through the archives.
Best of luck to both of you.
Dear Miss U,
I live in the U.S. while he lives in the U.K. It isn’t easy and I feel as if I am the only one putting in the effort for keeping communication open. I understand we both have busy lives but every time I write him, he always responds with one-word answers. Every time I bring up my feelings about it, he gets defensive and blows it off. I feel so ignored and so lonely. How does one deal with the long distance communication difficulty? I keep communication open but I don’t feel it being reciprocated.
If he won’t work with you on something as simple as writing a decent reply to your messages or finding a platform he’d prefer to communicate on, it makes me wonder what other serious and important aspects of the relationship he would also be willing to blow off.
It comes down to respect; if he respects you, even if an issue doesn’t concern him, he ought to be willing to work with you to see that your emotional needs within the relationship are met, particularly if those needs are modest. If you’re messaging him twenty times a day and he’s getting fed up and resorting to one-word answers I can almost understand that (though he should still talk to you about it like an adult instead of just cold-shouldering you) but I get the impression this is not the case.
Personally, I’d give it one last shot. Ask him if there’s a medium he would respond better to. Some people hate texting; maybe he’d rather have a long phone call each day instead of sporadic texts. But if he still won’t resolve this, cut him loose. You didn’t get into a relationship so you could feel ignored, disrespected, and lonely all the time.