Dear Miss U,
I have recently been so fortunate to fall in love with the most incredible man I have ever known. The love came quickly, and while it has been light-hearted and fun, there are times where I wonder if we are moving too quickly and planning too much. While they are all exciting prospects, I have heard horror stories of jumping in too quickly. When we decided to date, he knew that I would be leaving to study abroad for 4 months.
So, our current long LONG distance has an end date. However, once I get back I do not know where he is going to be. He is so unhappy in his hometown and wants a change. I need another year and a half to graduate before I can make the next big move in my life. Part of me wants to invite him to check out moving to my city, but that would most likely mean that we live together. If he doesn’t move there, our time being long distance is extended.
I want to be open and honest with him, but I also want to make sure that we do this in a way that is not detrimental to our relationship. I fear that I am so caught up in the honeymoon phase that we may make a decision before we “should.” I’m not sure how to bring this up to him. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!
Happy But Confused
The reason rushing in can be bad is because it often comes hand in hand with not thinking and not talking things through properly, and I see that isn’t the kind of person you are. I think you just need to tell him what you’ve told me: you don’t want to rush in, but seeming he’s unhappy anyway this could be a positive step for both of you. It doesn’t hurt to talk about it. You might decide now isn’t the time after all, and that’s fine too. Try, “I had this idea I wanted to share, no pressure, but would you be interested in moving to my city while I finish my last year of study?”
Tell him you want to do this in a way that won’t be detrimental to the relationship, and talk out every little thing to avoid problems down the track – from who does what chores and how much notice needs to be given before inviting friends around to how finances will be managed and who cooks on what nights.
Sometimes opportunities come faster than we expect, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t seize them!
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I are currently separated by the Atlantic Ocean. He is studying abroad in Europe for the fall semester and I am going in the spring semester. We couldn’t go together because we both play sports that take place in opposite seasons. We’ve been dating for 2.5 years and we both go to different schools. He is a year older than me and we started dating before he went to school. We tried to end it before he left but we couldn’t because feelings were too strong but we were in a weird place.
This past May I visited him at his school and I found out he cheated on me and kissed another girl one of his first weekends at school. I found out from the girl he kissed. He said it was because he felt pressured because no one else had a girlfriend. He cried and felt so awful and knew that if he told me when it happened I would’ve broken up with him and we wouldn’t have spent 2 years together.
Now he is abroad and going out with his friends and traveling, but most of the times he is with a friend that also has a girlfriend. He is going on a week-long trip without his friend, and with other guys without girlfriends and I can’t shake the feeling that he will feel pressured again. He has promised me time and time again that it would never happen. My girl friends at his school says he never even talks to girls. I have severe anxiety and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s just my anxiety or if I shouldn’t trust him. But I still struggle with his mistakes.
He made a dumb-ass decision and kissed a girl one time, and has since learned that 1) it will get back to you, 2) it will shatter you, and 3) you’re not going to forgive a second time. I’m going to assume he’s smart enough not to make the same mistake twice.
I think for the good of your relationship you need to forgive this transgression and move on. Give him opportunities to prove to you that he can be trusted!
There needs to be something more incriminating than just the presence of other women for you to start getting suspicious. I’m all for listening to your intuition, but I feel like maybe you’re obsessing so much over the past that you can’t get a feel for what’s happening in the present.
Let him prove you wrong, or let him go. If you can’t bring yourself to trust him this relationship is already over.