Dear Miss U,
What to do when she always calls me Satan and is not nice?
Hungry in Halifax
You dump her, obviously. As a general rule, only date people who show you respect.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve known this man for over 25 years. We met via our jobs. He worked in Florida & me in New Jersey. I was married and he was engaged when we met. There was an immediate connection from the moment we met and we became good work friends but I always wondered what it would have been like. My marriage of 21 years fell apart and I was divorced in 2004. I spent 9 years trying to get my life back together and not feel like I was a failure. I didn’t date as my confidence with men was shot and I was pretty miserable. Now, fast forward to April 2013. He emailed me out of the blue, sending me a video, and before you know it we’re talking on the phone every day since!
Turns out his wife dumped him after 18 yrs for another guy AND took a bunch of cash with her. We emailed a lot during the days & talked by phone every night. This kept up for about 3-4 months. Suddenly he just stopped emailing and answering. When I asked why, he said he as busy. Then our 2-3 times a day phone calls stopped because it was during work even though he had been doing it already. I asked about my visiting him to which he said no because his belief is that the man should visit first. He has visited me only once for 5 days AFTER my hip was replaced!! No intimacy happened then. I’ve been waiting and waiting for him to finally make plans to do a proper visit but so far nothing. I don’t ask, because he gets annoyed. He says he loves me, but how when we don’t see each other? HELP!!!
The first visit has taken place and he still will not let you visit? That’s pretty suspicious, I’ve got to say. If he won’t do visits and won’t discuss a problem that is obviously distressing to you, then that doesn’t leave you with a whole lot of options. I would risk being annoying and press for answers if not action. It could just be he’s insecure about something and that’s standing in the way of time you could be spending together, but if there’s still no progress after you talk you’ll have to ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker and act accordingly.
Dear Miss U,
I moved about a month ago to a tiny little town in New York with my parents as soon as I finished high school. I had to leave friends, family, and my boyfriend back in California. We started dating in freshman year. We’ve had our ups and downs, but we’re new to this. I’m also a very tactile sort of person.
I talk to him every day – we play games, we make up stories. I just miss him so much. Sure, we’ve had to spend time apart, but before now, I’ve always known that I’d be coming back to a familiar place, and back to a familiar person. That I’d be able to hug him and cuddle when we saw each other again. I’m still adjusting, and we’re starting college and jobs. I’m scared we won’t have any time for each other soon.
My sister said we’d probably make it work through sheer stubbornness. But I don’t want that. I want it to be healthy, but I’m just not sure what to do. Especially when he gets in a mood and is so quiet it hurts
New in New York
Having a plan with a tentative end date can make the world of difference, even if that end is quite a way in the future. It gives you something to aim for, the reassurance that this is temporary and the ability to get progressively closer to a goal. Being able to track progress and say, “We’re halfway there!” does wonders for morale.
In many ways, your perspective is what makes an LDR healthy and fulfilling. You’re still coming home to each other… on Skype. You’re still spending time together. Still being intimate together (woo phone sex and mutual masturbation!) You’re still a couple in every sense of the word, and if you don’t focus on the distance it loses its power to destroy your relationship.
As for time, we make time for the people and the activities that matter to us. When Mr. E was finishing his degree he slept at school a couple of times – his whole class did, curled up on blankets under their desks – and even then he would log into Skype, put his headset on and fall asleep with me. No matter how busy either of us gets, we make sure the other is still a top priority. It won’t always be easy, but if you both want this relationship enough the effort will be its own reward.
Wishing you all the best,