Dear Miss U,
I matched with a guy on an app while he was in town. We didn’t get to meet up but we exchanged numbers and have been talking almost every day since. We quickly got to know each other and made plans for me to visit since he can’t visit me (financial issues).
Everything was amazing. We really bonded and we’ve shared intimate conversations. We’ve been through a lot! And unlike most guys, he’s never pushed me for a nude or to sext. Now, six months have gone by and he’s already said ‘I love you’ a few times. I really care for him and would like us to be together; I love him too. He mentioned moving to my city a few times.
The reason I haven’t visited him yet is because I don’t like how I look. I’ve been working on my fitness but I’m not where I’d like to be. I hope to be ready by the end of the year. I’ll visit him only when I feel comfortable. I haven’t told him this.
This past month though he’s barely talked to me. I’ll try to make conversation but he seems distant, or he’ll take a long time to reply. I understand that men tend to take longer to reply, but still. He’s also been going through a rough time lately. I’ve tried to talk to him about it. I’m worried.
I’ve left a few things out but these are my thoughts at the moment. Could he be getting tired of waiting for me? Could it be that he’s going through a lot right now? Am I putting too much thought into this when I haven’t even met him yet? I love him and don’t know what to do.
Thanks so much for your help!
If you haven’t told him the real reason why you don’t want to visit, what reason have you given? Maybe he can sense you’re making an excuse and has taken it personally?
What I see here is that you’re both keeping stuff from each other, and that’s not a road worth traveling down. The more honest and open you are with him, the more he ought to feel safe enough to reciprocate.
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what he thinks or how he feels; only he can do that. I can’t guess at what he needs or how best to help him with whatever he’s dealing with. But I can tell you the book How Not To Die by Dr. Michael Greger has been the key that’s kept me on track with my own health and fitness journey and I highly recommend it.
Lastly, I would encourage you to visit regardless of your physical appearance. Firstly, because if he can’t love you at your worst he doesn’t deserve your best and secondly because how we look is never more important than the people we care about. Love is the highest ideal. If he is worth your time he will support you on your fitness journey and love your imperfect self, and if he doesn’t you will know faster and won’t waste another precious second trying to please him.
All the best xx
Dear Miss U,
I have literally the best boyfriend. He is everything I’ve ever asked for, my dream man <- For real, I had a dream about him when I was 17.
The other night, I was drinking with my old roommate and I gave him some of my alcohol and I basically conned him into having sex with me. I knew he wanted to when we lived together but he had a girlfriend. So I guess that’s what I respect, rather than my own relationship. But like, I’m not attracted to anybody, I’m not especially attracted to my roommate, but why did I let him have sex with me? I feel like I only played it so I can get away with it.
So why am I causing problems in my best relationship? His other girlfriend cheated on him so much, and I have never cheated on anybody from the rest of my relationships. One of the guys I even hated and was really intensely infatuated with a guy who used me as a booty call; he messaged me asking if I wanted him and I told him to fuck off because I had an awful boyfriend. I don’t feel anything about me cheating on my boy. But I feel like I’m the most ridiculous, disgusting, putrid, vile being on this planet because I know I could just say it and break my boy into a million pieces. And get away with it. Why did I do it? Or why do I feel like I should push everything to the limit to see his breaking point? I don’t get why I think I can get away with it. I also feel like I should just kill myself because of how manipulative I am. I hate it.
I do not feel qualified to answer your question. Clearly there’s a lot of stuff going on under the surface for you that needs to be worked through. I highly recommend therapy. Don’t be offended, there’s no shame in it, and I’ve had plenty of therapy myself. I feel that if you want to get to the bottom of why you did this and how not to do it again, therapy would be the best place to start.
Beyond that, what’s done is done. I would focus on not doing it again, rather than beating yourself up over the past. And whilst I’m usually an advocate for 100% transparency, in this case, I’m going to urge you to keep this to yourself, because what would telling him achieve? All you will do is pass your guilt onto him in the form of pain. Knowing will not benefit him. Don’t kill yourself either, he and all the other people who love you don’t deserve that. Just get help and get your shit together.
There’s a lot to live for, and as you’ve said you have a wonderful relationship. Learn from your mistakes, quietly atone for your betrayal, and make better choices in the future.