Dear Miss U,
I met my boyfriend 8 months ago but we have officially been dating for 6 months. I know it hasn’t been as long as other LDRs, but we instantly clicked and we love each other very much. I have never felt this way about a guy and he has said the same thing about me. I just got into medical school in MI and he is in MA, so we can only see each other once every couple of months (busy schedules+distance+money) when we used to see each other every day. For one, he is kind of old-fashioned and doesn’t have social media, which makes it difficult to share my day with him. Second, while he is “still iffy about it (?)”, he told me that he intends to save himself for marriage in terms of sex (intercourse). I was okay with it initially because we would do everything else very often to compensate. Now we have kinky skype time and all that, but I’m worried that waiting until marriage ON TOP of a LDR (barely seeing him) will be too much. Do you know of any other couples in the same situation that have stuck it out/have any advice to do so? I really love him and don’t want this to come between us. Also, would it be wrong to ask him to get some type of social media so that we can feel more connected? This is my first LDR (if you couldn’t tell :P) and I am not really sure what I am doing or if this can last. Thanks!
Worried and waiting
Dear Worried and Waiting,
If he’s not ready for sex, no matter his reasoning, then he’s not ready and you have to respect that. I personally would not wait until marriage because I believe sexual compatibility is super important in a marriage, especially a monogamous one. With that said, I also look at sex as a much broader set of activities rather than just intercourse, so if you’re doing everything except penetration, I’m not sure I’d consider him a virgin anyway (because if he is, there’s a lot of virgin lesbians out there!)
I think that the impact not having intercourse will have on your relationship is dictated by each of you, that it’s only a big deal if you make it one. I only know one other long-distance couple who waited for marriage to have sex (in their case all sexual activities), but they were both committed to waiting. If I recall correctly they were long distance nearly two years before getting married and closing the distance; they are still together.
Ahh, social media. Some days I wish I had never fallen into its clutches. It’s a giant time-suck and riddled with negativity. Honestly, if he’s happy without it I’d recommend leaving him be and finding another way to connect with him. Not being Facebook official doesn’t make your love less real. You know what’s a great way to share your day with him? A journal. Pick up a cheap notebook, have him do the same, and write in it as though it’s your diary. Paste in interesting things from your day, draw doodles alongside your entries, add photos to bring it to life and at the end of the month swap books. If there’s space write your next month in the back of his book and swap again. I still have all of Mr. E’s books, and he mine. Between us we have eleven of them. We even learned a code together to keep our messages private, a code we still use on occasion all these years later.
As everything in life, your LDR is what you make it. You don’t need to be having sex. You don’t need to be tagging each other on Facebook or tweeting out your love on Twitter. All you need is to be communicating honestly, investing your time in each other, making fun a priority and treating each other with respect. LDRs of all lengths, distances, cultures, religions, and sexual preferences can and do last and there’s no reason your love story won’t be one of them.
Dear Miss U,
Things between my boyfriend and I just aren’t the same anymore. Admittedly, it’s my fault and I want to fix things so badly but I don’t know how.
I ended up having drinks with another guy. Even though nothing happened and I didn’t mean for it to happen, it really bothered my boyfriend. I’ve apologized and told him that I want to make things right and earn his trust back.
When we first started seeing each other, communication was great; we talked to one another several times throughout the day, texted, FaceTime etc, but now our calls are short. I feel like he’s always in a rush to get off the phone with me and we haven’t set our date for the next time we will see one another.
I don’t want to nag him, be needy or push him into something he’s not ready for. He still says that he loves and misses me, but it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. All I want is to get back to how things used to be. I just don’t know what to do and could use your advice.
Trouble in Paradise
You had drinks with another human who just happened to have a penis. That’s all. This isn’t a trust-shattering thing. It’s drinks. It’s a social interaction. Are you allowed to have drinks with humans who share the same genitalia as you? Can you have drinks with family members? Who is dictating who you have drinks with?
Either someone is over-reacting or something is missing from your narrative. Did he say he was upset about you having a normal and innocent social interaction with another human from which nothing untoward eventuated? Because if he did I would recommend taking that as a huge red flag. To me that would indicate an insecure partner who could turn out to be controlling.
Or maybe he doesn’t actually care and it is you who is reading into this incident too much. Do you feel guilty? Perhaps you felt a little attraction (that you didn’t act on) and you’re holding it against yourself? Is it possible his reduced communication has nothing to do with this at all?
You’re three and a bit months into this relationship, maybe the initial obsession is simmering down into a comfortable relationship and he just doesn’t feel like he needs to talk as much. The first part of relationships are often the most exciting, there’s a magic to them that makes for wonderful memories, but I know of no way to recapture that, even in my own relationship.
All in all I don’t think this is something you should be losing sleep over. If you need more contact, tell him and come up with ways you can spend time together at a distance that you will both enjoy, but don’t let having a couple of drinks with some random destroy your self-worth.