Dear Miss U,
So, 2 years ago, I fell in love with this guy who was more than a thousand miles away. We loved each other by a lot but my parents never liked the idea of me dating anyone because they believed that my education was more important, so we kept our relationship a secret from everyone.
We dated for a while but after that, he broke up with me because the distance was too much and we grew distant but we still talked to each other. We were mostly on and off but we definitely loved each other.
A few months ago we stopped talking to each other because he told me to move on and that caused a fight and I didn’t talk to him until 1-2 months ago when he told me the tragic news that he had cancer…
I didn’t want to believe him at first but he was serious about it and I was just left in a depression state since then. My friends were supportive of us but it didn’t stop my pain because I loved him so much that there are no possible words to describe what I feel about him.
Him being a thousand miles away, I knew I could never visit him because of my parents. I really want to be there for him but I’m scared my parents will reject my decision to go to him. All I can do is stay where I am and wish he’ll be alright but I know that’s not gonna do anything for him or for me. How am I supposed to sit back and watch the one person who’s always been there for me die when I never even held him in my arms once?
Is his cancer terminal? Because cancer, whilst horrendous, is not always a death sentence. If his doctor hasn’t given up, and he hasn’t given up, then you do him a disservice with your belief that he will die. Cancer responds not only to medical treatment but also to diet and lifestyle changes. I’m not in a position to offer medical advice of any sort, but he might be interested in Googling “WFPB Cancer” and seeing if there’s anything there that might apply to his situation. Sometimes giving someone a modicum of control over their own health can be empowering.
Beyond that being supportive is not “nothing.” It takes a great deal of courage to face illness and/or death with your partner. It’s agonizing to continually invest your heart in someone when there’s a very real chance a future is not possible. Caring about someone, making them smile through their tears, treating them like a person rather than an illness… these things are priceless, and they don’t require physical proximity.
On the topic of visiting, all you can do is present your case to your parents in a mature, level-headed fashion. I don’t want to believe there is anyone out there who would not feel moved by your situation despite their resistance to you dating. Additionally, there’s no saying that maintaining this relationship will make your education suffer and I hope you can convey to them your willingness to balance school work and personal relationships.
Talk to them. Your parents are people too – people who hopefully understand the value of lasting love; give them a chance.
Dear Miss U,
I’m going to dinner with a man that I’ve been interested in for a while. He has family in my area but he lives 3 hours away. He had children late in life & that is where his children are (They are still young). I am established here with my family but have no children. Even though we are not in that “place” yet, should I be the one expected to pick up & move my life? He is a great person with values I’ve always wanted…just the living situation isn’t ideal. Family tells me not to bother because of this. Others tell me to give it a chance. I want to but I have a home that’s paid for, live with my dearest friend, an elderly Father, & I don’t want to move, nor do I want to have to end something that could be great & hurt a good person over a 3-hour drive.
I’m just a girl, sitting here with a bowl of potatoes, asking myself what kind of man he’d be if he left his kids like that. Would I date a guy who didn’t value his spawn enough to stay and co-parent them? Mmm, probably not. With that said, I don’t think anyone should be expected to do anything. Taking people for granted and assuming they are obligated in some way only damages relationships, and beyond that, I understand your reluctance to leave your home and your friend. This is a hard decision; one I can’t make for you.
What I can tell you is that over time a third option might appear or the decision might resolve itself in another way. I also know that as your relationship deepens the drive to be together might over-ride all hesitations. I would advise you to give it a chance. At this point, you don’t know each other well enough to be motivated to resolve this problem or to compromise in any way. Stick around for a while and find out if this is worth worrying about.