Dear Miss U,
I’ve been in a LDR for the past five years that I’ve been in a relationship. We’ve always had distance between us. Theirs constant fights when what we’re really upset about is the fact that we’re not together. All we’ve ever known is long distance but were both at our breaking points, where I can’t take another time when I have to leave him. Especially knowing he’s gonna deploy soon.. And guess what? We’re married! The only problem is I’m a senior in high school, but he says there’s nothing wrong with transferring which I feel the same but I don’t wanna be called the “crazy girl” for making such a big change when I’m graduating in about 4 months.. But I constantly think about his deployment and what if this happens during these 4 months when we could be spending valuable time together! He’s beyond tired of it.. We don’t even really communicate anymore.. I feel us fading away.. What do I do? Stay? Go? Help!
Aching Heart
Dear Aching Heart,
If you can do five years of long distance, you can do another four months. Really, four months is nothing and you know it. Whilst I agree with him that there’s nothing wrong with transferring generally, to do so this close to the end would not be an intelligent move for you. Yes, you could be spending valuable time together right now; but that’s valuable time that should be going in to the last stretch of your study not into a guy. He too needs to understand that your education and eventual career is important to both of you, just as important as his chosen career, and he shouldn’t be encouraging you to jeopardise your hard work when the light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger by the day.
What you can do right now, instead of uprooting your life at this key time, is talk to each other and put some effort back into the relationship. Do all those corny things you would have done at the beginning of the relationship that you’ve likely gotten lazy with. Get creative and find a way to surprise him. Put a smile on each other’s face again. Pull out all the stops to get you through this last hurdle. You know how to rock a long distance relationship, you’re a veteran! It happens to countless people in many situations that the home stretch is the hardest one – you always want to quit that job you hate an extra month early if you know you’re leaving soon anyway! – but you can stick it out and when you do you will have a lot to be proud of.
You can do this.
Dear Miss U,
I have been with my SO for a year and 3 months and talking for almost 2. I started bringing him up to my parents after 4 months of talking to each other. Of course, they were skeptical and not as open-minded as I would want.
My parents are supportive with most of the things I do. I’m not a rebel or anything, I consider myself to be a good daughter.
For some reason, I am so scared of telling them the truth about how my SO and I met online. As far as they know, we met when he came here to “study abroad,” which never happened. I think I’m just mostly afraid that they won’t accept it. Another thing is confessing that I have been lying to them for a long time now. And I know that I am going to have to explain to my other family members too I think.
I’m just scared.
Confronting Parents
Dear Confronting Parents,
The longer a lie goes on, the harder it is to come clean, seek forgiveness and earn back broken trust. With that said, you are an adult, and you don’t really owe anyone an explanation.
It’s hard when you cross that threshold, leaving behind your childhood and being an adult in your own right. There’s still the pressure to have the approval of your parents, you don’t want to disappoint anyone, and of course there’s the habit of being deferential that can be hard to break. Don’t beat yourself up over it, just understand how and why you got into this mess because it may very well help you explain your way out of it.
Then all you can do is talk to them, and gently correct anyone who shows they are misinformed later. You don’t have to go around hashing everything over with your whole family right now. Tell your parents that you were afraid of their reaction and it caused you to be unusually dishonest, fill them in on the real story as well as explaining how excited you are about this relationship and how much it means to you. Whilst meeting online can seem odd to people, it is becoming more popular all the time. What is important is that they can see how happy you are and that he is enriching your life. Parents want you to be treated with respect, supported and encouraged to reach your dreams. They genuinely want you to be happy.
Yes, they will probably be angry, upset or disappointed in you, and it might cast your relationship into a bad light that may be hard to shake for some time, but those are the consequences. In time the trust will repair itself, and as they get to know your boyfriend they may grow to love him as a son-in-law. The longer your relationship persists, the less the beginning of it will matter to others.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve known this guy for 3 years now. We recently broke up because he said he wanted to focus. We are still together to who ever knew about us. But, I found out he had been talking to another female, for the majority part of our relationship, he’s in the military one side of his family lives in AZ and the other where I live. He had gone to AZ 2 years ago and had sex with a female. His excuse was that we weren’t together (he had broken up with me a month before) but he was still calling me every day telling me he loved me, and us this, us that. I found all this out this yr. and he said that was over, (the talking with her kept on going until October of last year) that I’m the one he wanted to make happy. Now we’re still broken up, and we made plans for when he finished his first term. But now I question everything, “technically he didn’t cheat” is what he said but he did cheat on my feelings. I see other relationships and the love they show to the world even though the military has them apart and I wonder why I don’t have that with him, I’ve wondered if I should just let him go for my best.. But it hurts a lot, he doesn’t like me posting “love” things on his pages or mine. I just don’t know what to do exactly… Your advice would be gladly appreciated. I love this man.. But I don’t think he’s ready for what he wants with me… And the more he keeps me around the more I sometimes get hurt with his decisions.
Thank you for your time!
Lone Star in Texas
Dear Lone Star,
His actions are very selfish and I think it’s time for you to call him on his shit – he’s either in or he’s out. It’s a cruel joke for him to string you along but not commit. For him to tell you he loves you and yet hide that love from the world is not the actions of an honest man. Nor is the way he handled the situation with this other woman, whether or not he “technically” cheated. In short; you deserve better and you need to ask for it or seek it in a different relationship.
Love is grand, but it will never be enough to sustain a relationship on its own. You need trust and respect. You need to feel valued. You need a lot more than what he is willing to give you – and promises of a future that he’s not willing to even own up to in front of others in the present are not counted. Step back and really access this relationship. What are you getting out of this right now? Is it worth it, or is it toxic? Then do what is best for you in the long term. Breaking up might break your heart for a little while, but would it outweigh the overall amount of suffering your heart goes through due to this man?
