Dear Miss U,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 8 months, and we have just started doing long distance, I’m in Sydney and he’s still in NZ. I know that it’s only the beginning of the LD side of the relationship, but being apart from him hurts a lot. I’m scared that the distance might lead to him wanting someone else. At the end of this year, if the distance is too hard, I want to transfer universities to be close to him. Not go straight into living together or anything, but at least being in the same city. But I’m also scared that if I do that, he’ll either feel too much pressure from it, or that it will lead to difficulties as he might feel that I’m giving up too much just for him. In my mind I’m not, Sydney will always be there for me later in life, hopefully with him. I plan to stick the year out, but if it becomes difficult, then transferring is my preferred option, I’m just scared that bringing us closer like that might drive him away. I don’t know, but just from things he has said in the past about wanting me to take the opportunities in Sydney… I’m just scared. But to me, even just the risk of losing him is greater than losing whatever opportunities there are here.
I know this is a very hypothetical and ‘what if’ situation, but I would greatly appreciate advice now, so I can have more to think about if it comes to it at the end of this year.
– Nikita
Dear Nikita,
It’s great to plan ahead, but you’re overthinking this and worrying too much about how he feels rather than just talking hypothetical situations through with him now, or waiting to find out how he feels at the time.
The great thing about your relationship is that relations between your two countries are fantastic. You don’t need to worry about visas or other time consuming paperwork, so as long as you had your savings, you could feasibly move there on a short timetable if that was what it took. My best advice is to relax a little bit and make the decision together when the time comes.
As for the distance leading him to wanting someone else, I can say from experience that if you truly love someone no matter how much you hate the distance or how much you want to date someone closer, it won’t work. You can’t change your heart the way you can with your mind. If he loves you so completely that he needs to be with you, no one closer is going to fill that void. Trust him. Trust your love. Trust your worthiness.
Dear Miss U,
I know I’m only sixteen but I fell in love about last year with my boyfriend. We met online, and although people claim that online relationships doesn’t work, I have so much faith in it. He broke up with me three weeks ago, but a week later he said that breaking up with me was his worse mistake. I was heartbroken. I took him back because I love him. Few days ago was the first time we really skyped, and I even sent him a card for Valentine’s Day. I’m really trying to take a step and to make our relationship better. The thing is I’m in New York and he’s in jersey. Not that far right? What I’m really saying is that lately he’s been kind of avoiding me, and not having conversations with me. Is he bored with me? Is what we have real? I don’t know… I just want your thoughts. Btw we’re an interracial couple.
– Ms. Monre
Dear Ms. Monre,
No one can tell you why he is acting the way he is, except him. Guessing won’t get you anywhere; you just have to ask him. Are issues surrounding your break-up resolved or are they still present and possibly affecting the relationship? I suggest you talk through your concerns with him. A good indication he cares about you and the relationship will be him participating in the conversation honestly even if it isn’t all stuff you want to hear, reassuring you and then making a better effort to be mentally and emotionally present/available. If however he belittles your concerns, won’t communicate with you, and doesn’t make an effort that too is an answer in itself and from there you could decide how best to proceed.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my partner have been together for over a year now, and we are really in love, he’s from central America while I’m from Australia, but my parents are really against our relationship, mainly my mum, and because I’m really close to my family, I like to share things with them, but now I can’t even say his name in front of my mum because she gets upset, and since we’re both at uni, she told me that, if we were to ever meet up, then it’s time for me to move out, it doesn’t matter, where in the world we meet up. She’s really against our relationship because she believes that we will not be happy even when we do get together eventually. It’s really hard for me and my partner’s been as supportive as he can but because my mum’s really stubborn and gets upset really easily, I avoid talking about him in front of her, and only to my brother who’s the only one in my family that’s pretty supportive of our relationship. I’m not sure what I should do and just wanted to ask for some advice about what I should do…
thank you for your time
– Donut
Dear Donut,
I think it’s important to understand why your mum has such an issue with the relationship. Has she seen much of the communication between you? Is it possible you’ve given her a bad impression of him through things you have said, or from being depressed at being so far apart? Why does she believe you won’t be happy? That is a really broad statement to make, I feel she’d need a reason to believe that. It is also extremely possible that she’s just plain afraid of losing you. She’s afraid that you will move to America and she’ll never see you; it that is fair and understandable that she would feel that way. It is a huge thing to see your babies grow up and have lives of their own even without considering that those lives might be lived in a faraway place.
It’s likely to be a difficult conversation, but sit her down and ask her about her feelings. Why doesn’t she support this relationship? Does she not like him as a person? Does she know him well enough to know she likes him or not? Is she just afraid of losing you? Ask her these things. Explain to her that you love her, that family is important to you, that you respect her opinions and that you need to understand how she feels so you can make the best informed decisions in your own life. It is possible she sees something that you do not, the “rose colored glasses” of love tend to have that effect and it’s also possible that if you understand her fears you can find a way to reassure her.
With that said; beyond trying to get to the root of the problem to find a solution, there is not a lot you can do. You can’t force people to be reasonable. As an adult, I think it’s well within your right to meet with him and not tell her – for safety’s sake it would be best if that happened in your country, in a safe public place, of course – and to seek support from those who are offering it. Your brother, friends or random people in an internet community who are going through the same thing.
In time, if she wants to keep you in her life, she will grow to accept your relationship. Until then, do what you need to do to get through uni, keeping your home life peaceful and let your relationship continue to grow as it has been. It’s hard not having the support of family, and I hope that soon they will learn to see how happy he makes you and embrace him for that reason.
