Dear Miss U,
I have been dating my ldr for 1 year today and like every ldr its had its ups and downs. We talk about our future together and how blessed we are to have found each other. I met him when I was a teenager and I never forgot him, long story short 25 years later here we are. We are lovers, long distance lovers. I went to visit him in Feb and he froze he never showed up to pick me up from my relatives. So I flew home devastated and torn down. Now, I gave him another chance and here we are again but now he picks fights and exclaiming that the texting routine is boring. We are running out of things to say to each other and it’s getting harder we are supposed to visit in May but plans have not been solid. I love him and he loves me. I truly have no trust issues even after what he did to me. Any suggestions as how to keep him interesting in conversation. BTW he loves it when I send him naughty but tasteful pics of myself trying to keep the fire burning. I truly believe in our unity!!!
– Nothing to say
Dear Nothing to say,
I have covered this subject a couple of times before and would like to encourage you to read some of my other recent articles for tips, but first I wanted to address your specific situation because I feel like you’re getting the short straw here.
I would recommend you telling him that as there are two people in this relationship who are equally responsible for the communication if he finds the texting boring, he needs to do something about that other than complaining. Both of you need to be putting in the effort to keep things fun and interesting, not just you.
If he seems to be picking more fights as this visit approaches, I would call him on it. Perhaps there is an underlying issue, such as an anxiety that needs to be talked through to avoid a repeat of last time. Everyone deserves a second chance and it’s commendable that you haven’t given up on him, but don’t wait forever. If he doesn’t show this time, there’s more to this than just nerves, and you deserve someone who is as bold and invested as yourself.
Dear Miss U,
Okay this is rather complicated to me. We started dating back in 2012 when we met on a online game, basically we hit off from the first moment and it didn’t take long for us to start dating. We were together for 7 months at that time, it was perfect, we would talk for like 8 hours a day every single day about everything. I’m more of a jealous type about everything pretty much, if she pays some attention to another guy I get sad over it type of jealous >.>), and she knows it, and before she didn’t even speak to any guys or anything. It was just me, I was always her first priority, always the one she came to to talk every second she got. We were publicly in a relationship on Facebook, we’d more or less every day update our cover photos like some kind of a cute little surprise thingy, we’d constantly share pics from tumblr with romantic quotes. Well than it happened, we broke up in the end of the December in 2012 and pretty much didn’t speak at all until February (last month). We somehow got on “us” topic, our feelings still haven’t changed at all literally, so we got back together. Now here’s when it’s making me question stuff. We talk maybe 30 full min a day, she pays a lot of attention to her male friends, we’re not public on Facebook anymore cause she “doesn’t wanna read the comments”. Sometimes she lies about being busy and afk, while in fact she’s talking to some other guy (just a friend that she prefers being with from me..?). So what happened? Is she losing interest?
– Anony mous
Dear Anony mous,
No, she’s not losing interest. All that has happened is that in the time apart she has grown up, matured a little and come to the realization that the kind of relationship you had before was not at all healthy, so this time she is doing it differently.
It’s not good that she’s lying to you, if indeed she is and you’re not just reading more into it than what is there, and you need to address that but first you need to look at your own behaviour and recognize why she feels she needs to lie to you in the first place. Of course she’s not going to be honest if you are going to mope or make her feel guilty for having friends (and let me tell you, the gender of her friends is irrelevant, so you need to stop being so focused on it.) Jealousy is hard to master, but if you don’t learn to deal with it constructively you will end up with a string of emotionally damaged ex-girlfriends and many lonely nights yourself.
Whilst you have history together, this is still a relatively new relationship. You need to build up trust between you, re-connect on those deeper levels and even discuss your boundaries and expectations for this relationship. Have a conversation about how often you both think you should be talking, and about how you portray your relationship to others. For example, now that you’re a little older you might realize that conducting your relationship in statuses and shares over facebook is immature and tiresome for your other friends, and knowing that won’t be the case this time, perhaps she would be more willing to let people in your wider circle know she is committed to you.
Discuss these things. Both of you likely have insecurities and maybe fears relating to the break-up. Talk about them and resolve them so that this relationship doesn’t follow the same path.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years this June. Our first year we only lived about 15 to 20 minutes away from each other. After I graduated college I moved to Florida with my parents. While I am trying to rebuild a life down here, he still lives in our previous state. He is also in the military and is presently serving with a unit in our home state.
Unfortunately we went into this relationship without knowing if the distance part will ever end. We have no “light at the end of the tunnel” so to speak. This has really started to take a toll on how I feel about our relationship. And because he is still going through training to become an officer in the national guard he can’t really make any decisions to move anywhere, while I have found a job opportunity that could make my career here.
I am worried I don’t see an end to this long distance and we are going into two separate directions, but both of us feel we have found the one. I am really having a hard time dealing with the fact that either someone needs to move ASAP or we are over, help!
– Nicole
Dear Nicole,
For now my best advice would be to strive for the job opportunity down there, because the experience will be invaluable even if you do decide to move away later.
Most of the time, life does not conspire to give us a fantastic career, an amazing partner and the other things we dream about with ease. You paths are probably not going to miraculously curve toward each other, both of you have to take steps to make that happen. It will take compromise and a bit more knowledge than both of you currently have. For example, he will need to know what restrictions his career will place on his movements or whether a transfer is an option, just the same as you need to wait and see if this job opportunity bears fruit.
You both also need to know what your priorities are, both right now and later on.
I completely understand that desperate feeling of needing to close the distance right now but sometimes having a long term plan can help you fight off that panic. Sometimes the distance lasts a few years out of necessity, but it is far easier to accept that if you know that it isn’t forever and you’re not wasting your time. Talk to him about where this is going, about the importance of both your careers and brainstorm up a bunch of different options. Now isn’t the time to lose hope.
