Dear Miss U,
She says she wants to meet me face to face, now I don’t have a problem with that but she lives in Canada were as I live in The U.S in NH. Is this possible? Its only 500 miles which is a good amount of driving. I think it’s worth it but how would I convince my mother to go along with it? Should we meet in a common place halfway through? Please help.
– Jacob
Dear Jacob,
What is possible, and what is possible right now are two very different things. It seems unlikely to me that either of your parents would be thrilled at the prospect of you meeting someone in person, from another country, that you’ve only known online a few weeks. It’s a safety issue, even aside from the time, money and effort that would go into a meeting. But that doesn’t mean in six months to a year they wouldn’t be open to the idea; after seeing you happy in this relationship, observing you being responsible, witnessing that your education does not suffer from the time you dedicate to your LDR, and having had contact with your girlfriend and her parents themselves.
My best advice would be to start there, openly and honestly. If you act like an adult you are more likely to be afforded the privileges of one, but there will be waiting and now is a great time to get used to it because it’s a nasty fact of international long distance relationships. There will be waiting for permission from parents, waiting between visits and later, waiting for paperwork, for visas, possibly for a green card. Long distance takes patience; both of you are going to need it in abundance, so take this slowly, get to know each other and get your families used to the situation, and revisit the idea of a first meeting in a few months when the probability of success is more in your favor.
Dear Miss U,
Is it weird to love someone you’ve never met?
My boyfriend and I met through social media and started texting over two years ago. We became very close and began skyping daily and never going a day without complimenting each other. My friends think it is strange that I love someone that I have never met, but deep in my heart it feels just right. Please tell me if this virtual relationship is a bad idea.
– I Feel Strange
Dear IFS,
“Weird” is subjective. It’s an opinion, nothing more. A label, and a fairly useless one at that. What is it to be weird? What is it to be normal? Isn’t normal synonymous with boring anyway? Don’t worry about whether or not you are weird, and while you’re at it, do away with caring what people think of you, because once you are unrestrained by other people’s judgements you can finally have the freedom of being your true self – and that is a beautiful thing.
I can not tell you if this specific relationship is a bad idea; I don’t know you and I don’t know him. I have no clue what your dynamic is like. But what I can tell you is that online relationships are not a bad idea just because they are online. Why people think meeting a stranger at the pub and starting a relationship with them while their blood alcohol content has them too impaired to drive is perfectly normal but that going from a deep conversation online into a relationship is weird simply because you haven’t physically been in the same room is beyond me. I guess I’m weird too.
Follow your heart, and whilst this relationship keeps both of you happy, fulfilled and remains healthy, go with it. There’s no reason to throw away something with so much promise just because other people whose opinions don’t affect your relationship can’t understand it.
Of course, you will need to exercise some caution when you take this relationship from being virtual to being physical. Meet in a safe public place, make sure someone knows where you are and be aware that for some small percentage of couples, they don’t feel the same in person as they have online. Go in prepared but never think your relationship is a lesser experience simply because of how it began or the way in which you must maintain it at this stage. There is nothing wrong with you.
Dear Miss U,
I really don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of ending it with my boyfriend, but just the thought of it really hurts! It’s just that the distance and time difference is taking a hard hold on me. Lately the communication have sucked really bad, we almost don’t text each other anymore, and it over 2 months since we last skyped. I have tried to get him to skype with me, but the last times he told me he would do it, but hasn’t and that really hurt me. For me it takes long time to trust someone and now I’m kinda losing my trust in him. But I’m still very much in love with him, he was my first everything so just the thought of losing him hurts a lot. But all the “what if” and no plans for the future is making me unsure. It’s really hard on my “mental health.” What should I do?
– Lost Lovesick Puppy
Dear Puppy,
If you can’t get a hold of him to Skype, write to him. Either on paper or just send a massive email. Tell him your thoughts and needs, express to him that a relationship won’t work without some kind of communication and that you want to make a plan with him so that this relationship can better meet your needs and hopefully be more satisfying for both of you. Hopefully he will take this contact seriously, and will be more pro-active within the relationship. If still nothing changes, then you have to revisit whether or not continuing the relationship is worth it for you, but at least give him a good solid chance to step up to the plate.
Now as to the what ifs, they are always going to be there. We can not know what another person is thinking, we just have to take their word for it, and we can’t really know what the future holds, so don’t get bogged down by the possibilities. Think on them, know your preferences, and then come back to today and do the best with it as you can. There is no living in the future or the past, there is only now.
Planning at this point might also not be to a level you find satisfying, because I sense you are ready for more at this point than he is. You are more invested. Which is normal and nothing to worry about at this stage of a relationship, but it does mean you might have to dial back your expectations for a little while.
At this point in your relationship is should be enough that both of you want to continue and see where it goes. Both of you should still be interested in each other and discovering new things about the relationship, your partner, yourself, the dynamic between you and how that effects your life. Planning is generally restricted to planning a visit, date or maybe even holiday, not planning your engagement or first home. See a future together, but for now be content in the knowledge you want to keep each other around. When you get to the one year mark, then start laying the ground work for bigger plans, for example say to him “I’m going to want to discuss how our careers will effect each other/closing the distance/when to have children soon, so I’m giving you a heads up now so that you can think about it,” and leave it at that for a little while. Things tend to progress more smoothly if you give each other a heads-up and time to think and prepare.
