Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have been in a LDR for 1 year and 7 months now. I usually fly over whenever I can to visit her and spend time with her, this happens about twice a year.
The thing is, the distance doesn’t bother the both of us. The real problem is we have been arguing and bickering for more than a year now, every day. Sometimes we will be happy and go on without a fight for 4 days at most. We love each other a lot, but there are times we tend to give up.
Recently, I fly to Singapore to give her a surprise and man, she was surprised to see me. We were so happy after the trip and when I got back, she mentioned that she felt like she loved me more than how she used to, I was over the moon. A few days later, she went to school for a 2 days camp and during that period, we fought about how time will be an issue for the both of us. Being me, I get upset and jealous easily, while she tried to compromise as best as she can to make me happy. After the second day of the fight, she suddenly gave up and told me she couldn’t feel anything at all. When I try to say something sweet to her, she couldn’t feel it. She’s having doubt about her feelings for me and wishes to break up, but after a few days of talking, she’s willing to give it another shot while still feeling nothing.
I don’t know what to do, I can’t lose this girl as she means so much. We went through a lot together and I’m trying my best to make her happy again. What should I do to get her back? She still loves me.
– betoolibertie
Dear betoolibertie,
If you are fighting so often, it seems obvious to me that you’re not resolving the issues that are causing you to fight, and that one or both of you might have impossibly high expectations that need to be reassessed. Figure out why you’re fighting, and put a stop to it. Ask yourself if it is actually that important, worth further damaging the relationship over, or if you need to take a deep breath and relax. For example, you mentioned fighting because she went to a two day camp and you were upset and jealous about the reduced talk time for those two days – this is not worth fighting about. She has a life outside the relationship (as you both should as that is normal and healthy,) and because of that sometimes you will talk less or maybe even not at all for a day or two. Things like this are not worth making her feel guilty about. If it were two days of every week, maybe it would make sense for you to have a bad reaction, but less than that and you need to loosen the reins a little bit. Learn to support and encourage her rather than holding her back.
Sometimes in a relationship where there is a lot of conflict or there has been a long period of hardship a person will experience that numbness. It seems to be a normal defensive reaction within the body. Occasionally, once a person gets to this point they don’t recover their feelings and no effort on their partner’s behalf will change that. It becomes a case of “too little, too late”. Obviously if she hasn’t reached this point yet, you need to do whatever is in your power to stop that from happening.
I can’t tell you what she needs from this relationship, all I can say is talk to her and find out. Love is not enough to sustain a relationship, so talk to her about other things she needs. Ask her what things you have been doing that push her away or try her patience. Listen without getting offended or making excuses, and then work on yourself to find an improvement. It’s not an easy thing to do, it will take courage and maturity, but sometimes that is the only way to save a relationship. Figure out what isn’t working in the relationship and address it, or the fighting will continue until one or both of you completely burns out.
Dear Miss U,
So our first year of college is almost over and it has been a very very rocky one, exhausting to say the least. Recently we had spring break together and I was very happy but on the last day I find out he wasn’t. He suffers from depression which we later figured out was the reason he was unable to be happy that time. But then just this past weekend I visited him and I was very happy and he wasn’t again.
The entire time we are apart we plan and say how happy we will be when we are together, how this is all worth it. But recently I am starting to doubt if it is worth it if the times we are together aren’t even good ones now. We soon have a summer together and I am afraid of us not clicking. I need some advice on how to just relax my thinking.
How do you know if you are falling out of love with someone or into neutral? Shouldn’t the times we are together be so perfect and magical?
How can you tell the difference between thoughts you are blowing out of proportion in your head and thoughts that are real?
– College Long Distance
Dear CLD,
Firstly, has he been diagnosed as depressed or is he self-diagnosing? And is he getting help? If he is actually suffering from depression there’s not a whole lot you can do personally. You can support him and encourage him to seek help, you can look up different resources for him and help him learn about his illness so he can better manage it, but you can’t make it better. It is fairly normal that if he’s suffering from this illness that he would be partially or even completely unable to enjoy your visits – but that’s got nothing to do with you or the relationship and you mustn’t take it on board as though it’s your problem.
It’s tricky to know if you’re falling out of love because love itself is not the same from day to day. As you and your relationship age, the love changes too. It gets less exciting, generally, and can feel less intense. It’s not as overwhelming because you are comfortable with your partner, should feel secure in the relationship and its ability to endure. That sense of vulnerability is gone, replaced by deep trust and the freedom to truly be oneself. Because of these changes, sometimes people think they have fallen out of love or that the passion is gone, but these feelings can be worked on. Fun is a huge component of love and it’s hard to feel in love and connected if there is no fun. Laughing together, sharing something that makes you smile, and holding each other in satisfaction at the end of an adventure-filled day help produce those “in-love” feelings. When one or both people are suffering from depression it’s much harder to have fun, to laugh and be carefree and thus harder to maintain that feeling of connectedness. People who are depressed tend to withdraw into themselves and be selfish with their energies, so over a long period the other partner can be left feeling drained.
One of the things I do to test for myself if I might be falling out of love, is I imagine what my life would be like without Mr. E in it. Or I imagine him dying, or cheating on me, or some other completely horrible scenario. I play the images through my mind and watch for my emotional response. Generally the idea of being without him is painfully overwhelming, or I find the myself of my imagination casting about for reasons to forgive him, bring him back, repair the relationship and make it better. This is contrasted with previous relationships where I’d imagine these scenarios and feel little or nothing, or the imaginary me would move on and be happy. If the person was bad for me and I’d ended it in my mind, generally I’d see myself as prettier and more confident. I can’t say if this technique works for everyone, but it’s how I do it.
Logic can also be your friend. Sometimes I know I’m not feeling myself, or I know Mr. E has been inattentive because of work or whatever. If I can understand why our relationship is feeling empty, it gets me through the lulls and gives me something to work towards. Not all the times you will be together will be perfect and magical. Even when we are in LDRs we’re still human, we still have other needs and wants, we have illnesses and fears, responsibilities and stressors. Sometimes being together can’t make all that other stuff disappear. Sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it, and that’s ok as long as you can figure out why and work toward a happier outcome in future. Work together on the relationship; it can turn the negatives into positives.
Lastly, it can be hard to tell if you are over reacting, it’s a learned skill. It can help to imagine one of your friends saying to you the things you are thinking. Like if you’re upset because the Skype call ended half an hour early, imagine your friend telling you about that happening to her. Would she be over-reacting? Would you tell her it isn’t a big deal and that she should do her homework? Or would you be angry in her stead because that’s the fourth time this week? Sleeping on the issue can also help you bring clarity, or writing it out in a blog and then re-reading it can help you pin-point where your own mental health is at. You can also ask yourself if you have a reason to be over-reacting. Are you on your period? Really tired? Hungry? These things often make issues seem bigger than they are. Wait a few days if need be and if the thoughts are still bothering you, talk them out with your partner.
