Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and all is well, but something I still haven’t done is call or video chat with him. He is very patient with me but I’d really like to get over this as much as possible or just have the guts to pick up the phone and call him. I have done voice messages on an app that gives me a minute to talk but it’s different on the phone. On voice message I can redo the voice message if my voice sounded weird or something but on the phone, I can’t take back the weird sound in my voice. I have major insecurity issues with my voice and appearance so it stops me from doing both video chat and a phone call. I really don’t know what you could say to get me to have the guts to call or do a video chat but I really need advice on this so I’m really hoping you have something good to tell me. lol
Thanks in advance!
– Kate
Dear Kate,
I don’t think your insecurity is at all uncommon, so first off dispense with any belief that you’re somehow abnormal for feeling this way. I felt exactly the same at that age, and I still think my voice is weird! But we all can only work with what we have and we’d be absolutely stupid to miss out on living our lives to the fullest by letting these insecurities dictate what we will and will not do.
You probably remember being really young and afraid of some animal and a parent would have said “he’s more afraid of you than you are of him.” Dating as a whole is pretty damn similar to that. Remember that for all his patience and bravado, your boyfriend is just as scared as you are – not of exactly the same things, nor necessarily experiencing the anxiety in the same way – but he too is making himself vulnerable. That is a part of the beauty of a healthy relationship, it gives us the opportunity to grow and better ourselves, to face our fears in an environment of love and acceptance. But we have to open up to take that risk and we have to realise how our actions are making our partner feel. I guarantee you, if he’s any kind of man worth spending time with, he will neither say nor think that your voice is strange or you’re somehow physically inadequate. Instead he will feel privileged that you trusted him enough to take this step with him.
Remember too that our partners don’t see what we see. Mr E doesn’t see the cellulite on my thighs, he sees the shape of my butt and tells me he’s pleased (ok, he doesn’t say it like that, but let’s try to keep this pg); he doesn’t see the wings of my untoned arms, he’s too busy looking at my chest, or telling me he loves my hair, or leaning in to kiss my lips. I see my fat tummy, he sees curvy hips. You get the idea. And you know this will be true for your boyfriend too just by looking at him.
Do it now (a photo will do). What do you see? Does your heart flutter at his smile, or are you pre-occupied by his mono-brow? Do you focus on the strength in his arms, and how capable his hands are or are you busy thinking that he should do a few sit-ups and lay off the fried food? Most of the time where there is love, it’s difficult to see our partner’s flaws and even if we do see them, we find them endearing, interesting or we simply don’t care. Try to remember this, and let him see/hear you. He’s not judging you, he’s not going to taunt you. Remember that it’s not just about you and your fear – it’s about him. About showing him you trust him, that you feel safe with him. It’s giving him the opportunity to feel that and to prove to you that he is worthy of that trust.
With that said, yes there are things that can make it easier, in fact you probably already know what they are. Just think about it, what would make you more comfortable, more able to take this step? Listen to that guiding voice inside yourself, and then communicate with him, let him know what you need. Tell him what he can do to help you.
For example, you might start by having your microphone turned on, but you can still type your responses while he talks. Eventually you’ll probably reply with your voice, either out of habit or because it’s faster/easier than typing.
You might agree to turn your webcam on, but only if he doesn’t talk to you about it directly so you can do your best to ignore it. Then you can minimize the screen and chat using a different application or website.
At the end of the day, no matter how big and scary it seems, you just have to force yourself to do it. You have to face the fear so that your relationship can grow. It really is just another level of communication, and communication is all we have in a long distance relationship. When people are together in person all five senses are engaged while online it takes effort to replicate that; but it’s well worth the effort to make the relationship as real and fulfilling as possible. Let him hear you: No longer is your voice just his imagination trying to mimic a sound he once heard. Let him see you; your body language and expressions. He can’t touch you, but he can hold something you have also held to feel more connected. Let him smell you: send him a shirt you’ve worn for a day, or tell him what deodorant you wear so he can buy some and engage his sense of smell in that way. These things are the tools people in LDRs have to enrich their experiences; without them the relationship is a shadow of what it could be. So let him experience you as a real person, rather than text on a screen. It’s hard, but it is what is fair. And trust me, you will never regret it.
Hello! I’m admiring you guys so much for the struggle you’ve been through and still didn’t give up. I hope you won’t mind my curiosity: how old where you guys when you met each other? ^^
– Emma
Dear Emma,
I’m a journalist hired by Michelle and Frank, mail to me (Miss U) doesn’t go to them, though I try to pass on the warm regards people have for them and this website. I can’t remember how old they were when they first fell in love, but I know it’s been many years now! I believe they were in their teens. Please contact Michelle, you can find her on the forum or use her email displayed on the website, I’m sure she’d be happy to answer your questions.
As to myself and Mr. E, I was 16 and he was 17 when we had our first romance. We were off and on again like a lot of young couples, and then we got serious when I was 21.
I’m guessing you are asking because too many people have told you that young love doesn’t last, that you’ll grow up and grow apart; let me assure you that that isn’t true for all people. You will grow and change, but sometimes that means becoming better for each other rather than losing interest – which was certainly true in my case. There’s no reason to assume it can’t be this way for you as well. Don’t worry about age or what people say, just enjoy the ride and write your own fairy tale.
EDIT by Michelle: This makes me feel super old, but we were 19 when we met for the first time, and decided to officially be in a relationship 11 months later; I was 19 almost 20, and Frank was 20. I’m going to be 28 next week and Frank will be 29 in July.
