Dear Miss U,
I am currently in a long distance relationship that is lasting and has lasted for the past 14 months. Out of the 14 months we have seen each other 3 times during the year, amounting to 3 months of physical contact. I am living in South Africa she is living in Germany.
I think it’s safe to say that this relationship has purely been based on emotions. Considering we’ve only seen each other 3 times. These emotions come with deep love, care, fondness, appreciation, warmth everything that has continued to make this relationship last.
But it’s come to a point where these feelings are not enough-the pain that comes when you can’t hold or be held by your partner & the pain that comes when you can’t get a hug or kiss when you need one. Is unbearable- the distance hurts.
I feel every human needs to have that contact; it’s important. The next time I will see her will be December this year. Until then we’ve decided to put our relationship on hold & resume when we see each other again. The problem with that is: Our feelings and emotions are still the same. I still feel we’re together & I don’t think either of us would want to go out & kiss or be involved with anybody either, when our loyalty & love still lies with each other. We both feel trapped. Nowhere to go. Weak. Sad. Frustrated & angry. The love, care, & all these emotions that have kept us this strong are still there.
How do I go on.. How does she?
When each day passes the pain grows stronger & stronger.
– Almost Broken
Dear Almost Broken,
I feel that just over a year is a bit soon to be throwing in the towel. Yes, it’s hard. It will be even harder though if you make your relationship about the distance rather than about each other.
I can empathise with you. There was a time in my relationship with Mr E when we visited the notion of doing what you have done – pausing the relationship until we were together in person – but as we talked it out we realized how utterly pointless that would be. We decided in the end that it was cowardly and that most importantly it would not achieve anything beneficial.
As you have noticed, you still love each other – you still need each other in your lives. And because you still love each other you neither want other people, nor would seeking comfort from people in closer proximity actually be fair to those people.
Not being officially together, talking less or not at all, or even cutting out the romantic/intimate parts of your relationship until you can be together serves no purpose other than possibly to save you some time and effort. It sure won’t save you any heartache.
Sometimes, like Mr E and I discovered, there is nothing you can do but proceed. It might feel like you’re at a dead end and your relationship no longer has room to grow and progress until you are together, but even if that is true (and I doubt it) that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be putting in the required maintenance to what you’ve already achieved. A relationship is like a house – if you buy one and then just never put the time, effort and love in to maintain it, eventually it will fall apart around your ears and be worthless.
If indeed you honestly cannot proceed in a Long Distance Relationship any longer, then it is time for you to reassess your priorities and make closing the distance your highest one. Devote your efforts to it, and give your relationship the progression it needs to keep it strong. Likely, it will be a long and involved process as you are international, and you’ll both have to hold on as best you can to get through it – but putting the relationship on hold and trying to ignore the pain until that time comes will not serve you.
I am sorry for your pain, but understand that this is really a small period of time in your life. A blink in the eye of your relationship and in a few short years you’ll be looking back in wonder knowing your relationship has the foundation to last forever.
Dear Miss U,
My bf and I have been dating for a 5 months now and he is coming to visit me in Korea for the first time. We have not seen each other in almost 4 months. We talk 3-4 times a week on skype with webcam. But I feel very disconnected with him, he would be busy doing other stuff while on Skype with me.
The uneasiness I have is that he is coming over to Korea in 2wks, he lives in Sydney. He does not show that he is excited to visit the city nor is he excited to see me…
I asked him if he is excited and looking forward to the trip he said he is not looking forward to the long flight to come over. (I would fly 10 hours each way just to see him for a day anytime) he did not mention about the trip at all for the past few weeks. I am anxiously counting down the days and tell him all the time how excited I am but now I stopped because I feel like I am the only one. I plan things to do for the trip and he says no to everything. I feel very lost and confused. I don’t know if we are on the same page in this relationship.. I asked him if he misses me, he says he is too busy to miss or think about me. (I miss him more everyday but I am scared to let him know now).
What can I do to get rid of this uneasiness? Esp with the trip coming up I want to get rid of the doubts and confusion and enjoy his company and the time I have with him. He is a wonderful man and we are very dedicated to each other. But I am starting to think that he does not know how to be a boyfriend.
– Gingerlyme
Dear Gingerlyme,
I think the main problem in your relationship is the expectations you both have are unequal. You are more invested and ready to proceed where he’s still in the “let’s have fun with this and get to know each other” stage. You’re willing for the relationship to take a bit of work while he hasn’t gotten to the point where he understands why that would even be necessary. So I think you need to relax a little, and dial back your expectations for the time being.
It sounds horrible that he doesn’t miss you, but I sense he is just not considerate of how he words things. Obviously you are important to him in some way or he wouldn’t be making the trip at all. Also, understand that some people experience excitement in different ways – and others hardly at all. The trip might still be too far in the future for him to feel anything about it yet, or he might be anxious about it to the point where he can’t enjoy the anticipation. Try to understand each other rather than expecting each other to feel the way you do. Talk about it and you might find his reaction is similar to this for many other important events in his life as well.
It might very well be as you say – he doesn’t yet know how to be a boyfriend. But with time, communication and experience he will build those skills. For the time being, try to distract yourself. Two weeks will pass quickly, and then hopefully you will both be too happy to have worries.
