Dear Miss U,
The woman I am speaking with has already mentioned in a group video chat with a group of our friends that she has no problem with a LDR, however she lives very far away, emphasis on the very. She is great though, in many ways, I mean sure there are faults, but who doesn’t have faults. She has a great personality, she is funny, beautiful eyes, brown hair, fun to hang out with, and to be honest she is a bit of a tomboy. She usually goes for blonds, (I am a brunette), and tends to go for thin guys, I am about average, but working out regularly to get back into past shape again. I am shy, it’s always been my problem, and I can get past this, but the thing that is getting to me is that I don’t know how to ask someone out who lives so far away. Yes I know there is a lot of stress that is involved in these, and I personally don’t care about that. How do you ask someone out when there is distance between you?
– Levi
Dear Levi,
A long distance relationship is just a relationship. For all intents and purposes it’s exactly the same as a near proximity relationship. So ask her out in the same way you would if she lived on the other side of town. If you’re the kind of man to surprise her with flowers or a movie date, do that. If you’re a talking over coffee guy, invite her to make a coffee/ visit Starbucks and sit down with you/ at the same time as you. If you’re the kind of guy that makes a big confession in the dark with your head on your pillow right before going to sleep, call her from there. For most things there is an at-a-distance variation you can use or a way to adapt near-proximity norms. Really the how doesn’t matter that much as long as you open some dialog to make your feelings and intents known. If you can’t find the words go with something simple like “I’d like to make it official; can I call you mine?” or even “Hey, we’re great together, let’s go out!” would get the job done. A little note that says “I want you to be my valentine every day” wouldn’t hurt either. Just say it. Clearly; without hints or games. You kind of have to just take a deep breath and blurt it out sometimes.
Oh and Levi, don’t go changing to fit what you (and her) think her type is. Sometimes we think we want a certain sort of partner and we stick to that wondering why we have so many failed relationships when the truth is we are focusing on the wrong things. So be yourself. Be the guy you want to be with the physique you feel best in. Confidence is sexy and besides that, if she doesn’t love you for who you really are the whole relationship is a waste of time anyway.
Dear Miss U,
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years and things have been great. However, we have just graduated college and are apart currently. I try to bring up future plans like marriage and kids but he keeps saying that he is not sure yet. He knows that he wants to move in with me but I want more of a guarantee of our future. I am just worried that he won’t know for several years if I am the one or not. Would this be a deal breaker, do you think?
– Wanting more
Dear WM,
I’m pretty sure after two years he should know if he wants a future with you or not, so start there. Ask him what he does see in his future and if he sees you there. Marriage and kids? You have to understand that is harder for some people to know how they feel about. It’s harder to talk about, and harder for some people to feel “ready” for. It might help to go from a different angle. Make it less personal for him, less about this specific relationship. Ask him if he wants to be married in the future – not necessarily to you, but if he cares about it at all. Same with kids. Does he have the desire to be a parent at some point? Would he be happy never having children? Sometimes talking as friends can help take the pressure off and allow the other person to open up. Find out where he stands on the issues whilst doing your best not to take anything he says personally. If he can’t see himself getting married, for example, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it means he’s not into marriage.
Have a look at your own goals. What does your personal timeline look like? It might help to write down your five-year plan, or a couple of alternative plans, and then talk them over with him. Say “I don’t want to pressure you, that’s not the point of this, but I need to have a plan for my own sense of security and wellbeing. I would like to try and work through these goals in a timeline resembling what I’ve written. Can we talk about this?”
Knowing when we are planning to have children is a big deal for women. It’s a huge physical change and it impacts our careers in a massive way, but for guys it’s not as big a deal and so he might not have considered your need to have a time-frame and ability to plan. Explain to him why it’s important for you to know because it’s likely not something he’s had to put a lot of thought into.
Marriage… I don’t see what the big deal is there. I don’t understand why women have this craving for a wedding and the ensuing marriage. Marriage will not give you a guarantee for your future. I repeat: Marriage will not give you a guarantee for your future. Nothing will. Financially it needs to be planned for if you want a fancy wedding, but you can start saving for that without his help. Knowing when it’s going to happen probably just takes the magic out of it. If you need to know for certain it will happen – if it’s a deal breaker for you to never be married – then by all means make that clear. You can even put a time limit on it at the end of which if marriage in nowhere in sight you can pull the plug and move on. But once you’ve made that clear it’s best to back off. The last thing you want is to pressure him into a commitment he isn’t feeling and may not keep. Let him get there on his own so that when the time comes you know he’s genuine, he’s ready, and he’s not just trying to shut you up.
I can’t tell you what your deal breakers are. For me, if my partner had no clue what he wanted in his future I’d be a little concerned. If by 21 years old he honestly did not know if he ever wanted marriage and kids the ambivalence would bother me; but I wouldn’t expect him to know when he’d want them either. Personally if he never wanted to get married it probably would not be a deal-breaker for me, whereas if he never wanted kids or only wanted one I’d start packing; but for you the story might be different. If you absolutely must get married and can’t live without children, and you want to start now or very soon, then yes it’s probably a deal breaker. But if you want these things at 30 and are just worried about wasting time dating the wrong guy, then it isn’t a deal breaker yet and you can give him more time to figure his side out.
I think the fact he wants to move in with you is more than enough at this point in time. Work towards that and see where it takes you.
