Dear Miss U,
I had a crush on a guy I was friends with when I was 16, we were both to chicken to act on it, because both of us didn’t know how the other felt. When we did finally admit out feelings for each other he had relocated to Australia… We have been speaking over the phone for the past to years and I have fallen deeply in love with this man, I don’t think I could ever find someone who accepts me quite like he does. And let me emphasize on how difficult I can be, but yet he embraces my worst quality. We always come back to each other no matter what.. I am 19 now he’s 22 were both mature but the issue is I’m in South Africa and he’s in Australia… Marriage has been discussed but I’m studying now… And I have 3 years until I complete my degree and my degree doesn’t count in Australia. I also need to save if I can sacrifice my life here in s.a to be with him.. He plans on visiting soon I feel like I want to push him away cos I don’t know if I’ll be able to say goodbye wen he has to go back … I’m so torn, but I genuinely love him with all of me…what should I do?? Continue the long distance relationship till I am finished studying? Will we make it as a 5 year long distance relationship if I do? Are we to young to get married? Does it get easier?? Have you had to sacrifice your whole life just to be with one person?
~ Denise
Dear Denise,
I can’t tell you what you should do, I can only help you decide for yourself. I can tell you that it’s possible to be long distance for five years if you have to. It’s amazing what you can endure if you have to and if it’s worth it.
It doesn’t make any sense to compete your study and then move to Australia if that study would indeed be useless. Why spend time and money on a useless degree? It is possible there is a bridging course you could take once you move to make your desired career viable again, and I recommend looking into that. If there truly is nothing you can do with that degree and there’s no chance he would move to South Africa, and you’re 100% sure about throwing your lot in with him, then I would suggest working to save the money and move sooner, or changing your course of study to better support the future you’re planning to have.
I don’t believe you are too young to marry, but I must ask why you are marrying. Are you ready to get married? Do you both want to get married? Do you think you are too young to get married? Do you have the support of your friends and family? Or are you marrying because you believe it will help you get into Australia?
If it’s the latter, you need to know that currently you do not need to be married to be sponsored into that country on a family class visa. You can travel there for up to a year and a half on a working holiday visa if you want to trial-run your move or if you can manage to live with your partner for a full year (in any country) you can apply for what they call a DeFacto Partner visa, which is almost identical to the visa you would apply for if you were married. Marriage does not make immigrating significantly easier. See their immigration website for more details. http://www.immi.gov.au/Pages/Welcome.aspx
Unfortunately, no, it doesn’t get easier. I think it actually gets harder over time, but you also get better at it so it balances out.
Personally, I have sacrificed my whole life for one person – more than once because I am a slow learner – It didn’t end well and I was filled with resentment. Two things are important here:
1) Your attitude. If you go in acting like a martyr you will inevitably feel sorry for yourself which puts pressure on your partner and holds them to a nearly unattainable responsibility of justifying your “sacrifice”. So if you move realize you are doing it for you, because you want to, and have something else to move for too, for example other friends, career opportunities or a love for the country itself.
2) Realize that although you may have to forgo some things you’re not, in fact, “sacrificing everything.” You are still yourself with all your inherent gifts and talents. You still have your family and friends, if you choose to put in the effort to remain in contact and visit. You can keep quite a lot of your material possessions, or even all of them if you are willing to hire a shipping container. In your case it looks like you would have to give up whatever you were aiming for with your study, which is hard, but they don’t call Australia “the lucky country” for no reason. If you’re willing to work hard I have no doubt you could find a career to suit your passions almost anywhere in the world.
It really is all about your attitude and approach.
In my relationship with Mr. E I have learned that compromise is far better for the health of our relationship than outright sacrifice, so work on a plan together rather than shouldering the sole responsibility for the relationship’s future.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for two months now. We only live an hour apart but due to his work schedule are limited on our times together. Every time we have seen each other I have made the drive to visit him.
I feel the relationship should go both ways… Am I wrong? OR should he make the hour drive to see me as well from time to time?
– Texas Help
Dear Help,
I believe both parties should be putting in more or less an equal effort, but that doesn’t always mean taking turns in visiting. Sometimes it means breaking the burden up in other ways such as one person paying for the trip, the other doing the traveling etc. With that said, it’s only an hour. I know so many people who commute that long to and from work every day, so I can’t come up with a single reason in my mind why he shouldn’t be able visit you at least some of the time. Invite him to come see you, and if he makes excuses have a little chat about fairness. Good luck.
