Dear Miss U,
I’m currently in Texas and I moved from California. I have been talking to a guy from California for about 6 months now. We are happy, we both like each other and care for one another. He has gotten out of a 3 year relationship 2 months before we started talking. Recently I brought up the relationship topic and making it official, and he used to always just say he’s still hurt and afraid of being hurt again and needs time. For the first time he brought up distance to me. He says he doesn’t want to make it official till I move back there, which is in about 2 years.
I don’t understand how we can stay in the talking stage for 2 plus years? I really want some type of commitment from him. I can wait for him and keep talking, but how do I know he’s not gonna give up another 6 months down the road. I’ve asked him to give me a straight answer, he says he wants to keep talking and not think about a relationship.
He’s already introduced me to his close friends, siblings, cousins, etc and they all are always on him about asking me to be his gf already. He won’t give anyone a straight answer, yet he doesn’t wanna stop talking to me.
I don’t know, I feel like if we stop talking 6 months from now, I’m gonna be the only hurt one.
Navneet K
Dear Navneet,
The feeling of security we get from being in an official relationship is little more than a smoke screen. You can be dating someone, engaged, married, long or short distance and your love can still roll over the next morning and decide they no-longer want you in their life. It might be harder for them to leave you legally and socially, but if they choose to they can and nothing can stop that. If he’s going to just stop talking to you, he will, having the nice labels of boyfriend and girlfriend won’t do a thing to change that.
You’re probably thinking, “but what if he finds someone else?” It is true that not being committed to you could be used as a defense in the event that did happen, but again, he could find someone else regardless. People living in the same house sometimes find someone else. People who have been committed for twenty years. Again, titles can not protect you.
What you can do is discuss with him some rules. Is he still open to potentially meeting other people? Are you still allowed to date? Where do you stand on one-night-stands? The key lies in honesty. Knowing exactly what page you’re on; even if it’s not as deep in the book as you would like.
The fact he’s including you in his life and introducing you to people is a really good sign. Some people are hell-bent against having a long-distance relationship, even if that’s exactly what they have in everything but name. You most certainly can survive two years of “just talking”. There’s also no reason you couldn’t have visits “as friends” or go on dates (either in person or together online). It’s no one’s business but the two of you when or if he decides to date you, and even if people pressuring him to commit did work it wouldn’t be genuine and heartfelt. If he’s worth it, you need to just take the gamble and wait. Just as having the labels won’t protect you, not having them won’t protect him from being hurt either.
I recognize how hard it is not to have some sense of security, no matter how small, but on the other hand a prolonged courtship is a really beautiful thing. The butterflies, the rush of the chase… there’s no reason you can’t enjoy these things alongside your anxiety.
Dear Miss U,
Please assess our situation. I’m an Asian having a LDR with a western guy. He has visited me twice. Nobody in his life knows about our relationship, I feel he’s too cautious and fears objection from his love ones.
He said he now feels the hardships of LDR especially when he goes back after a visit. We’re still in the relationship but no certainty if he’ll visit again or no goal as of the moment. Please enlighten me.
Thanks so much!
Missing the Romance.
Dear Miss R,
His fears are understandable and not so uncommon. The younger generation is a lot more at ease with internet dating, generally, than his generation and his peers may very well make him the butt of a lot of jokes for his honesty. That doesn’t make what he is doing right, and does not mean you should put up with it. You deserve better than to be treated as someone’s dirty little secret. Be clear with him that you are going to want more in the future and perhaps even set a time limit – six months is what I recommend – for how long you are willing to wait to be a real part of his life and meet his people. If that time runs out and nothing has changed, you will know what you need to do.
With that said, it’s perfectly acceptable at this stage in your relationship not to have a goal or a plan that will get you there. That will come in time.
