Dear Miss U,
So this guy and I aren’t officially dating, but he calls me his internet girlfriend and always jokes about us being together. We used to talk all day every day for a couple months. It has died down to maybe once a week or less. (I’m on a 2 month vacation) He still always says he misses me and tells me I’m amazing when I’m down. He still always brings up coming to see me, but the lack of communication this past month and a half has really dwindled my trust and feelings for him. I do like him, and he and I would be so perfect for each other if he lived here. He used to joke about marrying me, and asked what my parents would say. He has even talked to his friends in front of me on Skype saying how I could be “the one”. But he also doesn’t reply to some messages and then acts like everything is fine a week later when he texts me or I text him. He also has said I could be one of the other 25 girls he talks to on Skype. He does joke around a lot, and I don’t mind it but sometimes it does hurt. We also haven’t skyped in over a month now as well. He just told me he missed me, and I read it but never responded cuz I’m tired of him treating me this way. Why should I reply to him?
– Completely Confused
Dear CC,
Yes, why should you?
But a part of you wants to, doesn’t it? Maybe a part of you even likes this game of chase, the uncertainty, the thrill. Maybe.
There was a time I could have written this exact same letter. A couple of times even. The first time I could have written this I instead instigated a “define the relationship” talk. It didn’t end in the romance and declarations of love that I wished it could, but at the time I needed to put more into our relationship than I was – I needed to be available to pursue something more than flirty friendship – but I didn’t realize that. Couldn’t give that. The other person was perhaps more grounded than I, and he did realize this. So he said he considered me a friend. Not even a best friend. Just a friend that he was sexually attracted to. I said to him I considered us more than friends, but it hadn’t mattered. He could see there was no way forward for us at that time, and he didn’t lead me on.
From this I’ve learned that when something is lacking I need to first look at myself and my own life. Am I making space in my life and my heart for that thing or person which I desire? Am I fully receptive to it? What signals am I giving out? Am I communicating readiness, or subconsciously warning people away?
The second time I could have typed your letter was a few years later. Same potential partner. He had stuck around, him playing with my heart and me toying with his. When he wanted a relationship I wasn’t available, when I’d want a relationship he’d be tired of my instability; it was an endless loop of loving, longing and pain. I still don’t know why we just couldn’t be honest, communicate and get our lives in order, but I guess we just weren’t ready for a long time.
Then it came a time when there finally was no blockage to us committing, and I penned something very similar to what you have written into my own diary. The mixed messages were maddening!
I snapped it one night over skype and it was only then I found out that he wasn’t trying to hurt me. His humor often was directed to mask his pain, or sometimes just because as a young man he hadn’t yet mastered tact. I set him straight about his jokes not being remotely humorous, and continued to do so whenever he opened his mouth to insert his foot (because otherwise how is he to know? I never make a big deal about it but a simple “I see why you might laugh at that but it hurts/offends me because [reason]” goes a long way). And he set me straight about why he was acting that way.
It’s too easy to assume, and too easy to avoid a hard conversation out of fear. But neither will give you progress or piece of mind. Sometimes the game is too enjoyable, too dramatic, too exciting to give up easily, and we think it’s better to have that than nothing at all.
So my advice is to look insider yourself, act in accordance with the things you want and then open dialog with him. Tell him how his jokes make you feel. Tell him it’s not alright to play with your heart. Ask him what his mixed messages mean and provide examples where you can. Tell him that if he misses you he needs to put in the effort to do something about it, because you’re past the point where complaining and not fixing is enough. Be honest. Be brave.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been with my girlfriend since 1/12/11. We have a very strong bond, I’ve been fighting for her since the day we met. I’ve gone thru two restraining orders, (of course they didn’t go through) her parents can’t accept her being gay. Anyways, 2 years into our relationship I moved to Reno NV, promised her I’d be back in seven months, I moved back for her, stayed for a year and recently moved back to Reno to set up a place for us to live together after she graduates, we have three more months left till she can come. There’s this one girl that I do not trust around my gf. I have asked her to please stay away from her. Recently she’s been hanging out with her but lying about it. I don’t think they are doing anything. She said the only reason why she lied about it is because she didn’t want me to be upset. Should I be worried? Should I leave after the fourth time she’s lied to me about her? It makes me wonder why she can’t drop her so easily for me if she really cared about how I feel about this. This girl won’t leave my gf alone, both of them don’t listen to me. So I’m just here in Nevada working my ass off trying to move her up here while she’s lying to me about a friend that I definitely do not trust. I honestly do not know what to do. We love each other very much. Long distance again is just hard.
– Dani
Dear Dani,
It is not your place to choose her friends, no matter how much you don’t like or trust them. End of story.
It takes two people to cheat Dani, so if you trust your girlfriend it doesn’t matter in the slightest if you trust this other woman. Yes, I understand you feeling jealous and threatened, but trying to control your partner’s social life is not the way to remedy that. You need to re-hash this issue with her, admit that you overstepped the line into the realm of controlling and manipulation that you realize this and are sorry. Tell her that of course she can be mates with anyone she likes, and that you realize it’s bad for the health of your relationship to try and forbid that. Then move on to telling her that lying is also terrible for the health of the relationship and that you promise not to flip your lid over them hanging out if she promises to stop lying and hiding it from you.
Once that’s covered, move on to explaining that you are still deeply uncomfortable with the friendship (and why. Provide examples, because otherwise you might just sound like a crazy) and that whilst you can’t enforce any rules with her you would very much appreciate if all contact with this friend took place in safe public areas or in groups. You might even add “sober” in there if alcohol has caused problems in your relationship in the past. (This relationship only – never punish your SO for the sins of the one that went before.) Let her know that you’re feeling taken for granted with all the work you’re doing, knowing she’s being dishonest. It’s perfectly alright to feel insecure, we all do from time to time, or there’s that one friend that really gets in your grill. Don’t be hard on yourself for that. She too should care that you feel this way (not so much that she will let you choose her friends) and want to reassure you and reach a compromise. Chances are once she moves this other friendship will slowly die of it’s own violation, but the quickest way to encourage someone to do something you don’t want them doing is by telling them you won’t let them do it. So bide your time, show her some trust and respect, and learn to live with the fact that no-one likes all their partner’s friends. Not even me!
