Dear Miss U,
I’m currently in a relationship with some who is currently incarcerated. We found each other while I was doing 45 days at the county jail. We started out as pen pals and when we first saw each other it was like love at first sight. He’s now 9 hours away and we haven’t lost contact in the past 1yr and a half. My issue is that I stress myself out! I feel has for writing him my worries all the time but then I don’t want to fake either and pretend everything is okay. I care for him a lot and I even keep contact with some of his family. I’ve been around them but not HIM in this free world. Is it normal to stress this bad but also still want it so bad? He sees parole 12/2016 and it’s 50/50 he’ll get it. I’m not sure if I’m just wasting my time since I’m still young with no children. He already has a son of his own. Is this healthy? I sometimes feel like it’s not and other times it feels good to receive his love. Long distance love.. bitter-sweet most def!
– Ashley
Dear Ashley,
Your circumstances do not make your love less real or your worries less valid. I think the important thing for you to decide in this situation is how long you are willing to wait. How long can you wait and still achieve your other life goals (such as having children)? When he is back in possession of his freedom, will you be able to close the distance immediately or are there other things also standing in the way? What happens if he does not get parole?
I don’t think there is anything unhealthy about pursuing this relationship, and it is normal to have concerns in any relationship but if you are stressing and worried a significant portion of the time, or to the extent that your anxieties are stopping you from living your life normally, then there is a problem that you need to seek help for.
Trust your instincts and try to enjoy every day for what is it. Everything will be ok in the end – if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.
Dear Miss U,
Hi, I’m Zoe and I’m 26.
I’m a nurse currently working here in middle east, during my 1st year here I got a bf and we got married cause I got pregnant. We live together for almost 5 months and we decided that I should go home to Philippines to give birth there. A month after I deliver my baby I need to come back to Middle East to finish my contract with my employer. He was there waiting for me and to my surprise he called me that his employer will send him home without prior notice. The day I arrived was also the day of his Flight going back to Philippines, we did not have enough time to talk. The real problem was he is a Muslim and his family did not know about us me and our baby. I try to convince him that he should tell it to his family but he said he was afraid that his family will be mad at him. Until now that my baby is 6 months old he was not able to see her. What should I do, it really bothers me that we are not recognize in his family. I was thinking maybe we are not important to him. But he kept on saying that he will tell it to them in the right time and he will help me with the financial obligations when he could get a job. I wanted to forget him but he is the father of my baby, I really don’t know what to do.. please I need your advice. Thank you.
-Zoe
Dear Zoe,
I am so sorry this has happened to you hun; I believe he has abandoned you. If he wanted to see his baby, if he wanted to help you, if he wanted to be with you he would find a way. Instead he is being a coward. The longer he leaves talking to his family the angrier they are likely to be when they do find out, and I am sure he knows this too.
I don’t know what legal avenues are open to you, but I would suggest trying to get a consultation (some lawyers offer free consultations, or perhaps you could speak with a student for a reduced fee) and finding out your rights and if there is help available to you.
It’s important for your baby to be in a positive environment, to be loved and taken care of. It would be nice for your baby to have two parents, but in my opinion, it’s better for the father to be out of the picture entirely rather than being a vague figure who is only there for his wife and child when it suits him. Children should be protected from that kind of stress. Also, for your baby to thrive you need to be healthy, not just physically but emotionally and mentally. You need to take care of yourself, and if that means ridding yourself of this poor excuse for a man, then so be it. You owe him nothing. I wish you all the best, the coming years are likely to be hard, but believe in yourself, don’t be afraid to ask for help and you will emerge triumphant at the other end. Your little one needs you now.
