Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend is about to go into boot camp for the US marines in September. We’re in a very committed relationship, despite how young we are. However, despite how committed I am, he wants to start a family, get married, and have me make all these crazy life changes so I can be with him, all in the next 3 years. I’d like to do all of that with him, but I need to go to college to get a further education. I’m scared I will make all these commitments with him and in many ways ruin my chances at getting an education, since just because you apply to a college doesn’t mean you get in. I have better chances staying with family, but I’d also be away from him. Is there any way that we can make our LDR work, even states away so I can get the education I need and have him comfortable being away in the military? I feel like he is rushing this relationship but I’m not sure how to approach him about this; he can be really stubborn.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
You’re right to be cautious. Ideally your partner should have the same ambitions for your future as they do their own. They should support you and desire for you to reach your dreams. It’s always a worry when one party tries to curb the goals of their significant other. Additionally, the military generally requires a person to be away from home for extended periods of time. It doesn’t make sense for you to move to him, sacrifice your chance at a career and start popping out babies that he won’t necessarily be around to help you with. I feel that he’s putting his own desires ahead of what’s best for you in the long term both as individuals and as a couple.
I recommend breaking down each topic into a list of dot points (or even draw up a timeline) and take that information to him so that you can start planning together a more reasonable time-frame. For example, headings could be career, marriage, relocation, pregnancy and babies etc.
Under career you’d write your desired course of study, the kind of job you’d like to get with it, how long it will take to be certified, how much money that would cost and where he will likely be in his career path at different points (breaking it up into yearly blocks works well for long term planning, or six monthly intervals if there’s a long going on.)
Illustrate the differences, pros and cons, of continuing to live with your parents while you study. You may even choose to give reasons why you need a career too – not that you should have to, but some out-dated thinkers might be more swayed with reasons like “I need to be able to support our family in the event something bad happens to you” rather than “I need a career to make me happy.”
Under marriage you could jot down a rough guideline of when you’d be thinking of engagement, if you’d like to live together before marriage, how long you’d like to be engaged, what kind of wedding you’d be aiming for if it matters to you, how much that would cost, how long you’d need to work to save up the money for your wedding and honeymoon, when you’d have time off from study or work etc.
Under pregnancy and babies you might like to list things like how long it can take to conceive, the effect it will have on your body assuming a normal uncomplicated pregnancy and birth, what kind of support network you will have available to you (this is very important. Don’t have a baby without some family or good friends nearby that you can call on, if at all possible. Pregnancy is tiring, and the first six months or so of your baby’s life is hard – harder than you can imagine. A lot of people mistakenly believe that a baby will bring them closer together as a couple but generally speaking that couldn’t be further from the truth. Having someone there who can give both of you a break can be a marriage saver.) Consider medical costs, how much time you will need off work or study and whether he is willing to be the primary carer at any point so you can focus on your career. Take into account lifestyle changes and if you feel ready and educated enough on the subject to dive in. In three years you’ll only be twenty, and whilst women of any age can make good parents, you won’t have the resources at twenty that you’d have a couple of short years later. Remember that the bulk of the work of having a family tends to fall on the woman’s shoulders. It’s your body and career, your mental health and social life, your sense of purpose, your hobbies and ambitions that will take a back seat, so if you’re not ready by all means say so!
These are just some ideas, once you get started I’m sure all your thoughts will fall out onto the page for sorting.
If you bring this kind of practical, well-thought-out planning to him and invite him to work with you on it, it should show him you are as committed and serious as he is, and will give him a better idea of when you want these things in your life; letting him know not to rush you without directly telling him to back off and hurting his feelings. You can most certainly make this LDR work, just don’t be afraid to talk things through.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend & I have been together for almost 3 years; in those 3 years he’s been unemployed for the majority, has seen me at my best & absolute worst (my mother was found dead on his birthday while I was visiting him over xmas ’12) & supported me in all my endeavors. He can make me laugh when I feel like crying, we both have issues with our dads, & our interests are very similar. I live in Canada & he in the US. I can’t see him regularly cuz I’m on a low monthly disability income, & his criminal record prevents him from crossing the border. Over the past month, I’ve been increasingly discouraged & frustrated over him & his lack of a job; it seems like he’s just passively looking for a job (resume on the internet) & not actively pursuing getting one (pounding the pavement & knocking on doors). I get that it’s a tough economy & that he lives in a small town but still, 3 years without a job? Two of my friends have independently suggested we take a break to re-evaluate our feelings & date others. I understand what they’re saying, that they only want the best for me & that I can do better, but I don’t like change & am afraid of it.
My questions: Is a break the right decision & for how long? How do I approach him about taking one? Is it an issue of co-dependence (my other 2 exs were chronically jobless)? Or should I just ride it out?
I love him, he’s fun to hang out with & he wants to come to Canada, but I can’t see a future with him with unless he shows me he can work steadily.
– Diveena
Dear Diveena,
I’m not an advocate of breaks as they do not solve anything. They tend to be a way of putting off problems rather than sorting through them. I have always figured that you can’t take breaks out of your other relationships – you can’t stop being a sister, and daughter, a mother, a friend (unless, I suppose, you’re not a particularly good friend) and you can’t stop being a wife you say the vow. So why then when people are dating do they consider taking a break from the relationship to be the tool that will fix everything? You can re-evaluate your feelings from within the relationship. A break is, in my opinion, a stepping stone to breaking up. Which sounds quite a lot like what your friends think you should be doing, and I can’t help but agree with them. You ask if this is an issue of co-dependence, but I feel it is more likely an issue of you repeatedly dating the same kind of man. Have you considered that you might be “dating down,” or lowering your standards dramatically because you don’t realize your worth? Might you suffer from low self-esteem? Staying in a relationship for fear of change is not a good reason to stay.
I completely understand that you want assurances of a future, you want to see him making an effort, and you don’t want to be in a long distance relationship forever. That’s entirely reasonable and after three years of patience, he owes the relationship and himself that much. I suggest talking to him. Tell him you can’t wait forever and you won’t carry this relationship for him anymore. Set a period of time, either openly or just in your mind, beyond which if he hasn’t found a job and demonstrated his ability to work steadily you will move on from this relationship because a man who can’t look after himself can’t look after you or any future children, and we all need to have someone to rely on from time to time.
I want you to know I am deeply sorry for the loss of your mother, the pain and shock that would have caused you and that I sympathize with how hard life can be living with a disability, but you need to know that you are not broken. You are worthy and valuable and should be treasured. It is worth holding out for a relationship with someone who can see that and will put in the effort to show it to you too.
