Dear Miss U,
I live in Australia and my (now ex) lives in Pakistan. I first knew that he liked me back in 2010 when I went overseas, I tried finding him on Facebook after a year when I returned. We got to know each other and became friends. He then asked me to be his gf, we dated for two years. We talked nearly every weekend and a few week days. He was caring and respected me then. He promised me that he would ask his parents about my hand in marriage when I went to Pakistan. We had a few trust issues in the relationship at the start; he had a few trust issues with me because we were in different countries. We broke up twice, the second time we broke up, I tried to show him he could trust me again and said I love him a lot. He ignored me for 5 months. Then he said he wanted to fix the relationship so I agreed. When I went overseas we were going to fix the relationship but when we texted each other on the phone, I said I want to talk to you on the phone so call me please, I was a bit angry and swore at him. He got really pissed off and texted back swearing at me and said he didn’t want to marry me. His parents called my parents and said we didn’t want our son marrying your daughter. When I came back to Australia, I tried texted him on Facebook he talked once and then I wanted to talk again. He talked to me in April and said he wanted to break up, I was pretty shocked and upset. I still loved him and tried to text him saying forgive me and stuff like that, then I talked about daily life stuff, he read my texts even when I talked about forgiveness, (which I didn’t understand). He use to reply saying I don’t want to talk to you or I don’t have time to talk. He replied saying I love someone else but I still love him. Help! he reads my messages daily but does not reply much, do you think he still cares about me? Do you think I should give him more time? Do you think he still wants to be in the relationship after reading my texts daily?
Thanks in advance.
(P.S this is a really complicated relationship between me and my bf, hope u can give me some advice)
– Bird
Dear Bird,
I have taken the two letters you submitted and edited them together to give myself and other readers a clearer understanding of your problem.
I know it hurts, but this man does not want to date you. He’s not interested and he has made that clear. Reading the messages you continuously send doesn’t mean he’s interested, it could simply be him clearing the notification from his phone or just sick curiosity. Moreover, I’m sure you can do better for yourself than someone who is content to ignore you for damn near half a year and gets his parents to phone up and deal with his problems.
You have stated you had trust issues because you’re in different countries. Do you mean to say that neither of you did anything to break the trust between you, but that you couldn’t trust because you weren’t in the same place? Because if it’s the latter, you need to work on that before you either get back together or get into a relationship with someone else. Being long distance should not equal a lack of trust. Some might even argue that it takes a greater level of trust. You should not need to be able to check up on your partner or have mutual friends/family who report to you on your partner’s actions; trust is about knowing that they will do the right thing within the rules of your relationship not because you’ll find out but because they are good moral people who are worthy of that faith. I’ve probably said it a hundred times now but being in a near proximity relationship will never stop someone breaking your trust if they are going to do it. The distance is not an acceptable excuse to break someone’s trust, nor is it a scapegoat for not giving trust in the first place.
Asking someone to call you so that you can swear at them does not in any way resemble a mature healthy way to communicate and problem solve. Some people find they need to calm down before they can discuss problems, maybe you can write yours out or sleep on them in future instead of exploding in anger. Yelling at each other does not solve problems; try to remember you’re on the same team – you and your partner against the issue, not you against your partner.
Learn what you can from this experience and take time to heal, but I think you need to accept that there is no future with this guy. It’s over, and continuing to contact him makes you look a little bit like a desperate creepy stalker, which I’m sure is not the case. Let it go.
Hi, Miss U,
My long-distance boyfriend of a little over a year refuses to add me on Facebook. He always says that his friends are too judgmental or that his parents shouldn’t know or whatever. His friends from uni know he has a girlfriend, but his friends from school don’t. His uni friends don’t even know my name or any details. He, on the other hand, makes me tell my friends everything. “Makes it feel more real” – those were his exact words when he asked me to tell my friends about him, when his own best friend has no idea I exist.
Is he ashamed of me? I know it sounds extremely shallow, but whenever we talk, he always says things like “showing me off” and “making everyone jealous.” It’s a blow to my self-confidence, which is usually extremely high. I can’t even believe I’m making such a big deal out of this.
Please help me. 🙁
The Entj
Hi there Entj,
I don’t think the not adding on Facebook is the issue here. Some people don’t want to live their lives on the public stage and that’s their prerogative. But this? Your instinct is correct, there’s something up with this.
He could be ashamed of you, or scared about what others might say or think, and there’s a variety of reasons why that might be. Possibly because you’re a little younger than him or because it’s a long distance relationship. Some people actually buy into the notion that there’s some kind of shame in dating long distance, and for the life of me I don’t know why.
I personally would push for a clearer answer. Why exactly shouldn’t his parent’s know? What kind of judgement is he afraid his friends will make? I would want to get to the root of the problem. And I’d also point out the huge double standard, how can he ask something of you that he’s not willing to give himself?
I want you to know that this issue is real and you are not being shallow. It is a red flag that he doesn’t want anyone to know about you and isn’t including you in his life; it is a big deal so it is ok for you to ‘make it out’ as one. The fact is he is being dishonest to almost everyone in his world on a long-term basis and there doesn’t seem to be a valid reason for doing so (some couples have to keep quiet for legitimate safety reasons, but this is obviously not the case here.)
