Dear Miss U,
I am a 16 year old girl who recently moved to Perth, Australia from England. We’ve been here for nearly 3 months. It wasn’t a choice I was happy with. I moved with my family and we moved because my parents found better jobs here. Everyone seems to be happy with the move except me. I don’t cope well with change and I’ve had issues in the past that have needed me to go to therapy classes. It helped and I still use the techniques I have learnt.
The main problem for me is that I’m still in a relationship with a boy who I’ve been with for over a year and known for the majority of my life. I spent almost every day with him. It’s hard to stay in contact sometimes, especially during school weeks. I find that this is the hardest part about moving, not being able to see him. We FaceTime almost every night and I love seeing him but I always get sad when we talk and I feel like I waste the time I have talking to him by being sad and I don’t want that. He gets sad, but he doesn’t seem to get sad when he face times me. He says it’s his favorite part of the day. We talk a lot about the future and what would happen if I came back. I think we’re planning to visit England next Christmas, but that’s 17 months away and I keep overthinking things and having doubts about us staying together. I feel like I have no one to talk to, not having found friends yet.
Basically, I’m just asking for help or ways of coping with my emotions, I didn’t think a LDR would be this hard.
Thank you for reading,
Emma
Dear Emma,
Firstly I wanted to say that you come across as amazingly mature and are handling this better than many people (even those much older) do. So many young people feel the need to tell me about how they are mature for their ages and such, yet you do not – instead you demonstrate it and get on with your day. You are already using strategies to cope and that is excellent, so give yourself some credit where credit is due.
Positive thinking is a learned skill, and a useful one at that. When you hear your mind saying “I hate being here, I miss him, I’m never going to see him again, it’s too long to wait, I’m lonely” etc. have a counter-statement ready. Try one of these instead:
- “I’m lucky to have someone that brings out such strong emotions in me.”
- “All this missing each other is kinda romantic.”
- “The good things about living here are
and I can’t wait until I can take him to see them!” - “It might seem like a long time now but really it is just a drop in the ocean of our lives.”
- “Being physically alone doesn’t mean I have to feel lonely.”
- “I am loved.”
You get the idea, I’m sure. It is about choosing to see the positives of each situation and cracking down on your inbuilt desire to wallow in self-pity. We all tend to get the urge, but when you rise above it you open yourself up to happiness. It’s a kind of freedom. In time you can learn to see life from a different perspective. Let go of having a long distance relationship and just have a relationship. Let go of the notion that you’re only on FaceTime and recognize that you’re together. Emotionally and mentally, you are together. Here. In this moment. And if you think about it, that’s more than some people in near-proximity relationships can say because often a couple are in the same room – physically together – but mentally and emotionally they are a thousand miles away and the connection isn’t there. The stuff that matters isn’t there. Being present is about so much more than two bodies physically able to touch. Learn to be present with each other. Find ways to connect, to give and receive love, to be happy together by embracing this concept.
The amount we can control our emotions is limited. We feel what we feel a good deal of the time, but we can influence those feelings in a number of ways. When you are Facetiming and start to feel sad for example, try to snap yourself out of it by doing something fun together. What makes you laugh? Remember that you can still do things together, your relationship doesn’t have to consist of just talking. Taking care of ourselves physically also makes it easier to stay in top shape emotionally, so eat right, get some exercise and aim for eight hours sleep a night.
In addition to all this, remember that your contact doesn’t all have to be in real time. If you miss him but he’s asleep or in school that doesn’t mean you have to bottle it all up and wait until you see his face again. Write him a letter. Record a voice message (I’m unaware of the features of FaceTime, but other programs such as Skype allow offline voice messages). Send him a photo. Draw him a picture. Work on a project, perhaps making a gift for him or putting together a care package. Do something! Put effort into your relationship and you can’t help but feel more connected, even if he’s not actually able to respond at that time.
Lastly, it might be time to get a casual job and start squirreling away money for visits. It will likely be some time before either of you can convince your parents that you’re old enough to travel alone, but when the time comes that you’ve proven to them that you are ready you’ll want to have the money for the flights ready too.
I wish you all the best of luck. There’s no reason you can’t continue having an amazing fulfilling relationship; don’t give up.
Dear Miss U,
We met in May of 2012, on my birthday while I was vacationing in the French Quarter of Louisiana. I am from Ontario, Canada. He is from Mississippi. We officially began dating Feb 1st of 2013 after a long and arduous decision of committing to a LDR. We kept our promise to visit every 30 days or so and have made plans to close the gap, including the legalities. After 15 months of official dating, in April of 2014, he proposed and shortly thereafter put his house on the market. Four months later and it has yet to sell, delaying his move to Canada. We have not seen each other in over a month due to finance issues and until we can merge households, (and for the first time in our relationship) we actually don’t know when the next time we will be able to see each other. I’m both angry and frustrated by this. I find myself withdrawing and chatting online less. This is not his fault, but I feel so guilted by the circumstances that I am having difficulty dealing with the volatile emotions it brings forth. We have chatted about staying positive and how it will all be worth it in the end… but when you can’t see the end how do you manage physically and emotionally, an indefinite delay in closing the gap?
Ready to Wed
Dear Ready,
Real estate is often a time consuming and frustrating anchor and as I myself am no good at waiting, I sympathize with your irritation. With that said, I think you need to give yourself a good shake and remind yourself of how lucky you actually are. To be able to visit every month (or even every three months) is pretty amazing by international-relationship standards. It is fantastic that you’re both on the same page with where this relationship is headed, you’ve done your paperwork, and are both putting your best effort into the end goal of being together. That’s not to be sneezed at. You’re nearly there. You have one last hurdle and then this distance is over and done with forever. Remind yourself of this. It’s one last thing. Even if it takes another six months, that’s still only six months. You’re on the cusp of having forever together, you can handle a few months! In the face of forever six months is nothing and you know it.
You can see the end, my friend. It’s right there. You don’t know when it is, which makes planning impossible, but the work is finished. You’re at the end. You’ve done what needs to be done, and now like sowing your seeds you have to wait for the harvest to roll around.
My best suggestion would be to throw yourself into your friendships. Keep yourself busy. Go out for a couple of drinks with that girlfriend you never see, get in the car or hop on a bus and pay a visit to the relatives who you only contact every other Christmas. Give your attention to the people in your life who you will likely neglect a little when you’re cocooned in your honeymoon bubble. The busier you are the faster time seems to pass, so go be busy.
Remember that he is frustrated too and that you are on the same team. Waiting gives you the awful sensation that your life is on pause; but your relationship isn’t. It’s still running and needs maintenance. Do something fun together even if your inclination is to mope. Don’t take up your mind’s invitation to that pity party. You’re actually doing really well; focus on the positives and be patient.
