Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend & I have been together close to 4 years now (long distance a little over 1 year). I’m graduating college in 1 year & had originally planned moving back home, to my boyfriend, family, friends & finding a job there. However, I am in the middle of an internship with an amazing company that challenges me (in a good way) & is everything I could want & more! I never thought I would enjoy what I’m doing this much & didn’t ever really think about the possibility of not returning home. I have a job offer from the company for full time employment after I graduate – the problem: where I would work is 600 miles away from home. He is doing well in his career & loves the city we both grew up in. We’ve talked about how neither wants to ask the other to move, as it could lead to bitterness & resentment. I want to continue to challenge myself with this company & he wants to keep developing his career at his company. We love each other very much & have discussed getting engaged after I graduate. But if I’m moving 600 miles away, permanently, how can we sustain an indefinitely long relationship? I haven’t accepted the offer because I feel like I’m being asked to choose between my professional & personal life. We have dreams together but I also have individual dreams for myself. I’m not even sure I know how to make a decision like this. The big question is: how do I do this? How do I even begin to decide between a job that I love and the man that I love?
-Torn Down the Middle
Dear Torn,
There was a time not so long ago where women didn’t have the privilege of making hard choices like this. A time when a man had a career and a woman had a family, when gay people didn’t exist and neither did internet advice columnists. Like the cliché rose, there’s beauty and thorns in our freedom, our progress. We can be grateful for that, even as we struggle to align all the things in our life. Some wise people mumble “you can’t have it all” while empowered working mothers may beg to differ. Sometimes, Torn, there is a third option, down the middle, and other times we really do just have to make a choice.
There was a time I made that choice. I chose the guy. My reasoning was that people are more important than money. That I could find satisfying work in the future, but I might not find such a compatible partner again. For me however it was an easier choice as my career hadn’t blossomed. It wasn’t being offered to me in all its splendor. And I wanted to make some mini-Miss-Us. I needed the guy for that.
I am some years down the track now, and although I can’t tell you what to do, I can give you my experiences to help you make your decision. I’d recommend asking other people for their anecdotes too. Resentment? No. Jealousy? Yes, there was some of that at first. Sometimes there’s a flash of it even now. The guy comes home to me at the end of the day and tells me about his career, his work mates, their team-building exercises, his benefits, the satisfaction he feels at a job well done. And my heart swells with pride for him, and I love him even more for his joy and contentment, his ambition and progress. But I also think “when will it be my turn?”
I have my mini-mes and they bring me joy. I have a couple of part-time jobs. I love my jobs, particularly writing this column and being given the opportunity to help people. But there’s little opportunity for growth; I don’t have a career. I’m not able to put food on the table doing something I love and because my jobs are just jobs, not a career, I earn less than half of what the guy does in an hour. But there is no resentment, and that is for two reasons:
1) I chose this. I prioritized marriage and children ahead of solidifying my career. I knew what I wanted more, and in the timeline I imagined for my life I didn’t feel the pressure to secure a career before breeding because for us we could make the income we had suffice.
2) He gave up something too. It always helps if you’re not the only one making sacrifices. I won’t reveal what it was he gave up to be with me, it isn’t relevant, but I can suggest some bargaining chips. People might choose to trade with their preferred location, their ability to travel, whether or not they buy a home or what type of property, when to have children or who looks after them. Sometimes one partner might give up a few years of their career for the promise of financial support during higher education later (so that when they re-enter their career track they have better prospects).
For big decisions I’m all about making lists and drawing up timelines – getting it all down on paper, where you can see it clearly and with better objectivity. You need to know not only what you want but when you want it. You need to figure out what benefits you as a couple and maintains your individuality (not only for your mental health but also because our individuality is what makes us interesting. Relationships where people give up too much of themselves tend to fail.)
Could either of you continue as you are now and then seek a transfer within your respective company in a few years’ time? Or if he left his company for a couple of years and worked where you live; if he made sure not to burn any bridges, kept in contact with his old workmates and kept his skills up to date, could you not get a couple of years’ experience in your field before moving back home together, whereupon he could potentially re-enter that company? It would benefit you greatly to accept the work on offer and get some experience before moving on simply because it can be hard to secure employment straight out of college. I know too many people who studied hard only to work as unskilled laborers because no one wants to hire someone who has no experience. If you can avoid getting stuck in that situation, you most certainly should do so.
My last thoughts are this: you’ve been with this guy long enough that in the silence of your own mind you should be able to figure out if he’s worth this sacrifice or not. People stay in long term relationships for a variety of reasons even when they are not 100% satisfied. I would never advocate sacrificing a great opportunity for a partner if you were not completely sure about them. Are you compatible with him in every other way? Does he treat you right? Do your family and friends accept him and comment about how much happier you are because of him? How do you feel at the prospect of losing him? Imagine your future 10, 20, 30 years from now. Imagine a future with just him, no career. Possibly another job. Now the opposite, a future with your dream career, but no him. Possibly someone else. Monitor your emotional reaction to each scenario. Which of these two less-than-ideal futures could you be happier with? Which of the two – dream job or dream man – can be replaced?
No one can make this decision for you. Some might try to tell you what to do, but it isn’t their place. May fortune smile upon you no matter what you decide.
Dear Miss U,
My name is Courtney and I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend Caleb for 7 months and we are very much in love. We met at boarding school about a year and a half ago and we were friends and flirted a bit and continued talking daily for months after we got home. This daily communication led to us falling for each other and getting into a long distance relationship. I am a senior in high school and I turn 18 in December and graduate high school in January and he is a sophomore in college. My question is should I move from California to Michigan where he lives after I graduate high school or is it too early? I’ve spent time there and I really like the area and I know his family well but is that enough to take this step? Our relationship is wonderful and we’re willing to do what it takes to make it work but it’s so hard being apart. So, should I make the move?
– Courtney
Dear Courtney,
You haven’t given me any reason why you shouldn’t move. You haven’t been together a terribly long time, but I wouldn’t consider you to be rushing in either. You’re young, but in this instance that is a benefit not a hindrance. You’re young enough to not be tied down, old enough to make this decision and follow through. You’re at the beginning of your adult life, that’s great. It leads to opportunity. You’re at a stage in your life where if this is a mistake you don’t really lose anything except time and face. I can’t see a good reason not to move, honestly. Just be smart about it, and have the resources on hand so that you can move home swiftly if the need arises.
