Dear Miss U,
I cheated on my LDB who is underway with the coast guard, should I tell him? I will also start by saying, we fell in love online. We used to go to school together however we hadn’t ever interacted. We started talking more and more every day till we realized we were in love and decided I would move there. Since he is in the US Coast Guard and I live in Europe, we knew we needed to wait for the right time for me to move there since he was also being transferred. Come summer, he visited and we spent our first and only month together thus far. Right before he visited however, we had been fighting and another guy got involved but I decided I wanted my LDB. New guy and I are friends at work and he has still trying to win me over. I am due to leave for the US in 2.5 months and since I moved out of my apartment and one night was stuck with nowhere to go due to unexpected circumstances. I stayed at his place and he didn’t hesitate to try something again. I can’t explain why I did it, but I slept with him though previously I had kept telling him I didn’t want to do anything with him or cheat on my LDB. I have even been standing up for new guy to LBD insisting I can be trusted just because we hang out doesn’t mean anything will happen. Immediately after I began to cry hysterically and did so non-stop for over an hour. I have cried and panicked for 2 days since. I don’t know what to do, I know I am obviously to blame and I put myself in a bad situation but how do I tell me LDB who is only available via email and under a lot of pressure? Do I tell him at all?
Kristine.
Dear Kristine,
Your LDB is probably not oblivious. Chances are he realizes you’ve been acting strangely and you’re not fooling anyone. Come clean with the poor guy and then accept the consequences, whatever they may be. Be prepared to lose him and know you deserved it. I guess the other man can count that as a win; he might have successfully driven away the competition.
Here’s what you can learn from this mistake: If you love someone, truly love them, and another person who is a direct threat to your relationship comes along you cut contact with that threat or at the very least keep them at a professional distance. If you can not trust yourself to be faithful, and evidence suggests that you can’t, then you need to ensure you’re not putting yourself into situations riddled with temptation. This other guy has made it abundantly clear that it isn’t friendship he is asking for. He’s not going to give you friendship. Friends respect you and your relationships (yes, even the ones they don’t agree with and even in the instances they secretly wish you were dating them). Friends also do not pressure you to have sex with them when you show up on their doorstep asking for help.
I find it very hard to believe there was no other option than to stay at the residence of someone you’re not only attracted to but who has put the moves on you before. You want me to believe you have no other family, friends or non-attracted workmates in the area? That you didn’t have a credit card you could charge an emergency hotel stay to for the night? Didn’t have $20 in your pocket to stay at a backpacker’s? Couldn’t stay on the floor of your newly vacated apartment? Couldn’t sleep in the car just this once? It is a rare case when there is truly no second option.
It is likely that in the event your LDB wants to keep this relationship he will require you to give up your friendship with the other guy entirely. If you’re not prepared to do that, do the right thing and let your LDB go find someone who values him enough that they would. It’s that simple.
If he’s only available via email, then you can only tell him by email. Better that then keeping him in the dark for a couple of months.
Dear Miss U,
I have been with my current boyfriend 4 months now and known him for 8. We spoke for a while before he came and met me in person, for the first 3 months he was in a 9 month relationship he described as hell. His ex clearly isn’t over him yet as she continuously writes about him on social media sites. I know we are young and this is my first long distance relationship, but I like to think I am very much in love with him. My feelings for him are so strong and over whelming it scares me. However, my boyfriend and his ex ended on bad terms. Earlier today my friend got in contact with his ex girlfriend to tell her to just tone it down and to try and move on, she told her (which I have seen the messages for) that she was pregnant and my boyfriend left her because he didn’t want anything to do with it… she also claims Conor, my boyfriend, would refuse to wear a condom. He is such a nice guy I’m not sure whether I can believe it or not. I have had sex with him and he was adamant that he had to wear a condom. His ex apparently had an implant to stop her getting pregnant.
I’m so confused and hurt, do I even know my boyfriend? I can’t imagine not being with him so should I bring this up and risk our relationship? I can genuinely imagine spending the rest of my life with him. I don’t know what to do! I don’t know ‘deep stuff’ about my own boyfriend apparently which hurts me…
HELP.
Isla
Dear Isla,
Alright, first of all, it is ridiculously juvenile for you to have your friend doing your dirty work for you; or if she acted of her own violation, terribly juvenile of her to be interfering. This is not how you conduct a mature long-term relationship. I know she just wants to protect you, but this just adds to the needless drama.
Yes, you do need to talk to him. I can’t see why doing so would risk your relationship. Aside from the fact there should be nothing you can’t talk to your significant other about, you have the right to know some details about his sexual history. You also have the right to ask him to get tested, so do so. Get yourself tested for STIs as well. Who cares if she has a contraceptive implant? That isn’t going to stop HIV (which is vastly worse than having a baby) or even chlamydia. Condoms are more than just birth control.
You’ve asked do you even know your boyfriend, well sweetheart, you’ve known him eight short months. No, you probably don’t know him; at least not half as well as you believe you do, and that’s perfectly ok. You don’t need to know everything about him, nobody expects that. At the beginning of a relationship you’re not even entitled to know his deepest darkest thoughts, feelings and deeds. Those secrets are earned; being his girlfriend doesn’t just give you a magical key to unlock every corner of his soul. I recommend that you let this worry go. It won’t do you any good.
On to this other girl. It is true that many young girls will play the “I’m pregnant and it’s yours” card. A lot of young women think love is a game and babies are powerful little pawns, but luckily a good deal of these pregnancies are nothing more than threats. I very much doubt at her age she’s going to want to have a baby seeming that will affect her life plan far more than his. She probably was/is on some form of birth control, but in the event she genuinely is pregnant he can get tests to prove paternity.
What you both need to talk about is what happens next if she is pregnant. A child is a life-long commitment. What does he plan to do about this? I personally would be wary of any guy who had no intention of being in the child’s life; but your opinion may differ. Generally speaking, a child will be its parent’s main priority, forever. That means you will always be in second place. Meditate on how that makes you feel and if you can accept that. Understand that if they do have a child together, that means they are inevitably connected via that child. His ex will always be in his life (or at least for the next 18 years, until the child reaches maturity) and through him a part of yours. Again, can you handle that?
Talk it out calmly and trust your intuition.
