Dear Miss U,
My SO and I met in Peru 2.5 years ago, and haven’t stopped almost daily contact since. He’s American, I’m Australian and we’ve seen each other 3 times since Peru. Neither of us has seen anyone else, nor wants to, but he also won’t commit to any future. I’ve started the process to move over, but it will take a while. I had hoped he’d move here first, but there’s always a reason (generally pretty valid). I don’t know what to do!!! Should I keep trying?
– Peruvian Attraction
Dear PA,
I guess it depends on why he won’t commit to a future. Has he given you any guarantee at all that if you do move there you’ll be in a relationship? Because personally I wouldn’t want to move for a maybe. I also don’t recommend moving just for him. Give yourself another reason to relocate there so that resentment doesn’t build up. Moving internationally is a big effort, you can make sure it isn’t a wasted one by having more than one goal in mind. If you are doing this for you, for your own personal development and not just for a guy that can make a huge difference to your outlook and in the long run the health of the relationship.
Dear Miss U,
Is it normal to be scared that you or your loved one could potentially meet someone else while doing long distance.
– Jessica
Dear Jessica,
The sheer volume of emails I receive on this very subject leads me to believe it isn’t just normal, it’s par for the course! But you know what? It’s also a little irrational. You could potentially meet someone else at any time, even when you’ve been married, living together and happily sharing your lives for a decade. It can and it does happen; but that doesn’t mean it will happen to you, and it doesn’t mean that if it does happen to you that it will destroy your relationship. We all face temptation but we all have a choice. We can choose to remove ourselves from that temptation. We can choose to be faithful. We can choose to acknowledge our feelings and accept that part of the attraction is likely to be geographic closeness, convenience and newness. We can talk to our partners and focus on our relationships and come out of the experience stronger too.
At the end of the day though, it doesn’t do any good to worry about these things. Talk to your partner (once!) about what you will do in the event this does happen and then let it go. Be the best significant other you can be and try to be confidant that you’re the best there is, so a replacement can not be found! Believe in yourself, your partner and your relationship.
Dear Miss U,
I am really having a hard time since I got back here in Canada (2 weeks ago) from my home country where my boyfriend is. I went there for less than a month vacation and it was really good. We were in LDR since last April 2013 and I had the chance to go back this Aug 2014. I am stuck working and living here for 4 years and now I’m planning again my next vacation in December 2014. We are 11,442 miles away and 12 hour time difference. My problem is that I’m so homesick and I want to go back and stay there and never leave. It feels so long to wait for another 15 months. Any suggestions on what should I think or do to overcome this loneliness? I am also paranoid on what would happen for the next 15 months of our LDR. I just really need an advice right now.
Thank you Miss U for taking time to read this.
Sincerely,
RGed
Dear RGed,
Sometimes the only way forward is, well, forward. Sometimes you have to do the hard yards in order to get through. Sometimes there is no solution other than the passage of time. And that really blows, I know. But what other option is there? Breaking up isn’t an option. It doesn’t make sense to say “I don’t see you enough, so I never want to see you again”; so if moving home early isn’t a possibility then really you must keep stepping forward one day at a time. Yes, when you look at it as 15 months that seems like forever, but if you stay busy and focus on your goals the time will pass rapidly. If you can’t change your situation, work towards accepting it. Look for your blessings and embrace them. Your mind is a powerful tool, use it to build yourself up rather than tear the relationship down.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been in relationship for more than 7 yrs. because of work we have this long distance relationship. In my 1st yrs my friend saw him with other girl. When I confronted him. he said it’s just friend, I believe him but my by trust for him lessen. We quarreled that time but after that reconcile. .. in my 2nd year abroad ..he lied to me… I’m always paranoid. Until I broke up with him.. It’s been almost 7 months we are separated. . But I’m still dreaming about him. don’t know what is?.. Just give me advice.. I want to start a new life.. Just give me advice.. I will appreciate it.. thank you..
Yours Truly,
Danise
Dear Danise,
If you can’t trust him, there’s no future for you. You have done the right thing. Be kind to yourself, healing takes time. I read once that it takes half as long as a deep relationship lasted to recover fully from it; so if that were true you have another few years before he’s off your mind. I don’t know how much I agree with this statement, but it’s something to consider. If it is true for you, knowing about it may help you get through the days.
On starting a new life: This is your life. You are living it. Right now. Every day. You don’t get that time back. You can’t erase the past. You can’t buy more time. It just IS. So sit down and figure out what you want in life and start living it today. Be the change you want to see in your world. Understand that a man can never complete you – you need to be complete in yourself. Focus on that.
Be your own best friend at this time, and don’t be afraid to talk to a counselor if you think it might help. It could assist you in aligning your thoughts, and that never hurts.
