Dear Miss U,
My name is Jordan and my SO’s name is Rachel. We met 10 months ago and we’ve loved each other ever since.
We had arranged to meet one another in London (she lives in California, I live in Scotland) for July 15th. We had a big argument two weeks before the trip and we broke up. On the 15th of July, I realized I had a message in my inbox from her. She asked me to come and we spoke about it. I begged my mum to give me money (she’s unemployed as she can’t work because of a spinal issue) and she eventually did. I booked my flight for the 17th and made my way to see her.
She said that there was no guarantee that we would get back together, but I was willing to take the chance. We met up and everything was just perfect.
We got to see each other for 4 days and then she left for Paris, which I unfortunately couldn’t accompany her to.
We argue a lot, but we love one another. I have no idea what to do, but we both have very toxic attitudes which spouts arguments out of literally nothing. I can’t afford to come see her until March, and things just aren’t going well. What do you suggest?
TL;DR Me and my girlfriend met in person and we never argued once. Now we argue frequently and I don’t know what to do.
Jordan
Dear Jordan,
It looks to me that you already know what the problem is: you both need to work on your attitudes. The good news is you’re both going to be doing a lot of maturing as you traverse the last couple of years until adulthood. You’re right at the perfect time to start being the people you want to be. You are in charge of yourself – so take charge! If you need a little extra help or don’t know how to get started, look for self-help books or courses that will give you hints and techniques.
Understand what kind of relationship you both want; talk to each other about what you each need and the kind of relationship you envision having. Monitor your own actions, and trust her to do the same. Pay attention to when you might be expecting too much or being unreasonable. Put yourself in each other’s shoes. Understanding where the other person is coming from and getting in touch with how they feel even if it doesn’t make sense to you is key.
What are you arguing about? Are your arguments being resolved or are the same issues popping up? Are you arguing about real issues or trivial things? It’s important to assess the status of your arguments and figure out if they are effective. If you are bettering your relationship and coming closer together by resolving issues together then there is nothing to worry about. It is hard to take two completely different individuals and fit all aspects of their personalities and lives together to make a cohesive unit. There usually will be some tensions and disagreements in a relationship and that’s perfectly healthy if the disagreements are being worked through constructively. If your problems aren’t being solved however, then you need to work together and figure out why. Find a compromise. And lastly: Pick your battles. Not everything is worth fighting over. Not everything needs to be fixed or changed. You both need to learn how to accept each other and let the small stuff go. Personally I hate how Mr. E cuts corners when he cleans things and it annoys the heck out of me how he takes ages to get to the point rather than just giving me the information he needs to straight up, but these things are not deal breakers. They are things I can live with. They are not important. Important stuff would be like if he was a big gambler, or drank all our rent money, or was doing things that risked our family’s health and safety. Things I can’t live with would include not making time for us as a couple, trying to choose my friends, restricting my movements and expecting me to check in or treating me disrespectfully. And he too has things he doesn’t love about me. I’m moody, especially in the morning. I’m often in a rush. I’m needy and pushy. I expect a lot from him, but I’m willing to give a lot in return.
I’m a strong believer that relationships are not 50/50. Both parties have to give 100% as often as they can. Give it your best and own it when you can’t. Apologize. You can’t take away the hurt, but if you are able to stand up and say “I was not being fair just then, I’m sorry” or “That came out wrong, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, please let me try to word that better” it makes the world of difference. It helps your partner know you’re not being malicious, you’re just human but you’re trying.
I wish you the best of luck. Keep talking to each other, and don’t worry so much about the visits just now. Soon you should be earning your own money, and that should take the pressure off your mum as it isn’t her responsibility to finance your relationship.
All the best.
Dear Miss U,
My name’s Matt and I’m in a LDR with my amazing girlfriend Kelsey. We have been dating for a short few months but have been best friends for over 3 years. It seems like in the last week or so she is a little more emotionally detached than normal and I can tell she’s under a lot of stress but I don’t know how I can help her with it and we’ve both gone through phases where either I think I’m being the clingy one or she thinks she will be so I know the commitment is there. I have been looking up how to make this LDR the best for the both of us but I can’t tell if she really wants to put the effort up to push through this stage in our relationship.
Appreciate the advice.
Matt
Dear Matt,
You’re best friends, shouldn’t you be asking her this? Ask her what she needs from you right now. Ask her if there’s anything you can do either practically or to be emotionally supportive. So often we need help but we don’t know how to ask for it. Conversely, we often want to give help, but we don’t know how to get started. Everyone is so concerned about being clingy that they forget it’s alright to be clingy occasionally. Sometimes we genuinely need more love than others and that’s ok. On the flip side of things, sometimes we need less love. We just want to be supported but given space to work on our own things. That’s alright too. Love is fluid. Like the ocean it ebbs and it flows. You won’t feel the same every day. There is too much change in our bodies and environments for that.
Because of this constant shift, sometimes one person will be holding up a greater portion of the relationship for a little while. Like I said above, it isn’t 50/50. Sometimes you need her to give more because you are feeling clingy and emotionally needy while other times you’ll have to step up because she isn’t putting in the effort to push through a certain stage. As long as it doesn’t become habitual with one person bearing the brunt of the relationship at all times, there’s nothing wrong with this. So, again, have a conversation with her. Tell her you’ve noticed things have been a little “off” lately and that you want to work together to make things great again. Be a team.
