Dear Miss U,
Summary:
My bf Jim and I have been dating for 1.5 years. I am a college student in my junior year. Jim is two years ahead of me. He will be leaving this Thurs. for a 2 year grad program in Europe. We plan to stay together as long as things remain happy and healthy between us. We love each other very much and hope to make things work.
Other perspectives:
Friends and family have all openly commented on what a good, kind, caring, and loving relationship Jim and I have. My parents and sisters expect us to get married – as do his parents. Our friends say the same things. Despite the LDR, they all expect us to stay together.
The happy outlook:
I will graduate from undergrad when Jim graduates from his grad program. We have talked about moving in together if we are still together at that point.
I will be in Europe in the spring, so we plan to see each other a whole bunch during that time!! Jim will also be back for the holidays, and likely sometime during the summer. We plan to Skype often, and have some sort of contact each day – even if it’s a quick “hey, I hope your day is going well!.” We also plan to send snail mail, and care packages when we can.
Questions:
How can we keep our relationship happy and healthy as we hope to? We have good intentions, and we want to make sure we’re going at this with the right perspectives and ideas.
What have you found that works best? How do you deal with the pain while they’re not physically with you?
– Dedicated girlfriend trying to make the best of things
Dear Dedicated,
I’m glad you’ve found such a positive healthy relationship, it sounds like things are going remarkably well for you both.
One of the best ways to keep a happy healthy relationship is fostering a positive attitude. Long distance is not the end of the world. It’s not the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. It doesn’t have to make you lonely, out of touch, sexually frustrated or overcome by heartache. My best advice is to focus on why you are blessed; why you make a great couple not that you are a long distance couple. Long distance is a factor in your relationship, but certainly isn’t your whole relationship and shouldn’t become the center of your interactions, conversations and thoughts. Simply put: don’t dwell on the distance.
Having clear expectations for how much you both want to communicate is good and it sounds like you have realistic goals. Sometimes you will be able to talk more, sometimes less. Remember to be understanding and respectful whilst also making sure time together is a priority.
Personally, I have found that treating my relationship and my partner the same regardless of the miles has paid off. I can’t say that I found long distance all that painful. I try my best not to worry about things that I can not change and remember that both of us are working towards our combined future well-being. It really is all in your attitude. You can choose to be excited about the next Skype call, to look forward to connecting with each other at that special time each day (even if it is only a few minutes) or you can choose to see your calls negatively and wallow in self-pity because it didn’t involve physical contact.
I do highly recommend couples remember to take care of their own and each other’s sexual needs in whatever ways you are comfortable with as those urges don’t magically disappear when your significant other does. Again, you can choose to see it as an exciting way to broaden your sexual repertoire or you can decide it’s not good enough because it’s not good-old-fashioned intercourse. (I would recommend the former.) Sexual intimacy is a great way to have fun and nurture the connection between the two of you, don’t just ignore it.
Do your best to stay busy and enjoy the life you have. If you’re studying something you care about, working a job you don’t hate, engaging in leisure activities, eating and sleeping well, exercising , hanging out with friends and enjoying quality time with your family then being in a long distance relationship will have less of an opportunity to bring you down.
I wish you the best of luck.
Hi there!
So it’s 2am here….and I am awake because I miss my girlfriend.
In short, it’s been three months officially dating but I’d say 5 being close – although how close we are feels like were in a 5 year relationship (weird? I don’t know haha)
Anyway! Back on topic…..
I generally am normally pretty great dealing with the whole distance issue, we talk everyday and help each other; she inspires and motivates me to be the best I can at Uni and in life and I do the same for her.
However, I just have some nights (like this one) where I can’t sleep…I can’t sleep because I miss her, her voice and just have a wanting for her to be in my arms.
So I guess the whole point of this email would be to ask for some advice on…well what to do in this situation? Is there a way to avoid the sleepless nights from missing her too much?
Plus some general ldr advice would be greatly appreciated!
Kind Regards!
– Troy
Hi Troy,
I often feel that sleeping alone is one of the hardest things in a long distance relationship. What worked for me was to sleep with Skype connected (not an easy feat with a large time difference, but I went to bed early and Mr. E has always enjoyed staying up late. It’s amazing what you can make work.) If you have house mates you can connect a headset so that your partner can’t be heard, thus minimizing disruption to other people and increasing your privacy (and discomfort.)
If you can’t or don’t wish to do this, another option would be to ask her to record herself reading to you (audacity provides free software that she could use) and that way she could tell you a story as you fall asleep each night.
General advise for better sleep is to stop consuming caffeine at sundown, including coffee, tea, cola and chocolate, find time to exercise during the day and stop using any device with a backlit screen an hour (or more if possible) before bed. I know that last one is tricky in a long distance relationship, but there are so many studies available for you to check out that confirm the idea that technology can inhibit a good night’s rest. Make it easier for your mind to switch off by talking on the phone, using a headset and turning off your computer screen or even writing her a letter each night before bed instead.
Lastly; when you get mopey, take control of your thoughts. Replay a happy memory you have together, smile and indulge in the knowledge of how much you love each other. Even in a near-proximity relationship you can’t always be together at bed time. Tell yourself she’s just coming home late tonight, pop her (worn) shirt over a pillow or soft toy and snuggle in for the night.
