Dear Miss U,
Me and my girlfriend met each other online, and in the beginning we didn’t talk, because we were both feeling scared and maybe a bit awkward. But then we had a breakthrough and we were crying together, and we have been talking every day since then.
Now, the problem is that, things (not just lately, more like a month) have been feeling VERY monotone in our conversations together… I know she loves me and I know I love her, and yes we have a plan to close the distance… But, this hurts so bad that I can’t sleep at night for crying, and a lot of bad stuff has happened to her health which causes great mental pain on her as well as me. Every day is the same with: Good morning:* How did you sleep:* Oh okay :* that’s nice :* what are you doing? :* just cleaning my room a bit :* oh okay :* etc. etc. This is very hard to deal with because we both get very frustrated, and she tends to get annoyed and she is only answering me with single words, or very very short sentences that kinda closes the conversation, that forces me to say: “sooo, yeeeaa…”
So my specific question:
What can I do to make our conversations less monotone, and more lifelike instead of robotic question and answers?
Please answer, it hurts a lot even writing this makes me feel like our relationship is coming to an end… I love her so much, and I don’t think I can live without her… literally though…
Lance
Dear Lance,
You can live without her. Literally even.
But it would be best if you didn’t have to, of course.
What I’ve found is that boring people have boring conversations – so get out there and live an amazing life! Do things worth talking about. Even if it means talking less so you have more quality conversations, that’s ok. In addition to living a more fulfilling life so you have things to share, make sure you’re well-educated and up-to-date on macro issues and things that interest you. Talk about world events and your opinion on controversial subjects. Dig into the things that matter; the things that make your partner tick. Has she spoken about a passion of hers that you know little about? Google it so that you know enough to have a conversation with her about it.
You can also create depth in your conversations through the type of questions you ask. Here’s a link to an e-book full of questions designed for people just like you, and here’s a link to what site admin Frank thought of it.
I haven’t personally tried this e-book, but I have been known to Google interesting questions for couples. Asking questions is a great idea because it shows you are interested in the other person, it shows you care enough about the relationship to try a new way to instigate conversations and the knowledge you gain about your partner can be invaluable. While you’re at it; ask her how she feels about the relationship. Is she bored? Does she feel as affected by the conversations slump as you do? Perhaps she has some ideas of her own on how to improve it.
With that said, if she is ill she really might not feel up to lengthy discussions. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk. Perhaps you can offer to watch a movie or read to her instead as sometimes spending time together is more soothing than bearing your soul in conversation.
Dear Miss U,
My name is Mazie and I’m currently in a really confusing relationship with somebody who lives about five and a half hours away from me. We’ve never really spoken about titles such as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” but he’s spoken to nearly everyone in my family and tells me he loves me on a regular basis. We have spoken once before about where he stands on our relationship and he feels he’s not good enough for me and that he’s toxic (which I think is totally silly). He very obviously cares for me, but when we had the conversation about us he suggested that we not talk about it again and let it run its course. This was a few months ago, and now I’m starting to wonder where he and I are going. I was able to visit him last month and it’s making things a lot harder on me because I miss him. How should I approach him about us and tell him that I want to be with him and only him? Is it silly of me to want to be able to actually call him my boyfriend instead of, “The guy I’m sort of seeing?”
Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it.
– Mazie
Dear Mazie,
It’s not silly at all. Most people come to a point where they want to know where they stand and if the other person returns not only their feelings but also their commitment. We all need security, after all. I suggest waiting until you know he has the time to talk and minimal distractions. Asking for his full attention for the duration of the conversation is a great idea if he generally multitasks during your conversations. Pick a time where he’s let his walls down, possibly when he’s just told you he loves you, or whenever you feel the time is right. Remember to use “I” not “you” to avoid him becoming defensive; for example, “I feel very confused about your feelings for me and the direction this relationship is taking,” sounds nicer than “You need to tell me where I stand. Are we girlfriend/boyfriend yet?”
Use humor to ease tension where you can, but persist until you get a straight answer. It might help to even jot down some notes before you broach the subject so that all your thoughts are in order.
Lastly, on the issue of his toxicity, don’t take that as an excuse to avoid this conversation. If he is indeed toxic, putting a label on your relationship would make that neither worse nor better. While he is in your life his influence –toxic or not – will be there too so this excuse is nothing more than a cheap cop-out.
