Dear Miss U,
I honestly truly do love my girlfriend. We balance each other out really well. Everything about our bond has been natural & nice. Despite distance I feel she is totally worth it. However I admittedly felt lonely today & met with a girl I barely know and made out with her. I felt nothing but went with it because I didn’t want to come off as a wimp turning down a kiss. I’ve only known her for a day! It wasn’t worth it. I know honesty is the best policy. I wanna tell my gf but I don’t want her perspective of us to change. I don’t want her to leave me. Worst of all I wouldn’t want her to forgive me then kiss someone else as revenge. Any advice? This is a dilemma.
Dan
Dear Dan,
In an attempt to not look like a wimp, you’ve actually become a wimp and that’s deplorable. Think about it; you wanted so badly to appear respectable that you missed the point entirely about what being a man actually entails. It takes a great deal more courage to admit mid-event that you are doing something wrong than it does to pretend all is well when it isn’t. Isaac Newton put it best, “[The] innate force of matter, is a power of resisting by which every body, as much as in it lies, endeavors to preserve its present state, whether it be of rest or of moving uniformly forward in a straight line” simply put: it’s always easier to keep doing what we are doing than to make a change. There is no strength, no bravery, in just going along with something, particularly if it does not serve your best interests.
Ask yourself why the opinion of this random girl meant so much more to you than the opinion and feelings of your girlfriend.
What I can’t fathom Dan, is why you put yourself in the path of temptation deliberately and willfully; because feeling lonely is a contemptible excuse indeed. This isn’t just a matter of poor self-control, there’s an element of premeditation here. What would have happened if the kiss was worth it? What if this random girl gave you the best kiss of your life, or if it had led to a one night stand? What if you had of felt something? Would that somehow have made your betrayal ok? No, of course not.
Personally I don’t think you should tell your girlfriend. How dare you unload your guilty conscience onto her and make her feel unworthy when it is her who deserves better. Why should she have to take the baggage of your infidelity forward into her other relationships; why should her next partner have to suffer if she develops a trust issue from your actions? What good would you be doing her by disclosing this information? None. So keep it to yourself. Your lack of self-control is not her problem.
If you have learned your lesson and intend to man-up in the future, I suggest cutting contact with random girl, masturbating more (it’s amazing how much better our judgement is when we’re not horny) and avoiding situations where the moment might get away from you. One-on-one meetings with attractive females and situations involving alcohol should move to the top of your ‘I don’t go there’ list until you develop the strength of character required to do the right thing first and worry about your perceived reputation later.
Dear Miss U,
We met on a game on November 2008, visited her on July 2009, the relationship was great. She moved from US to Canada, even though I didn’t want because she has more than I has (family/friends better job, life in general). She lived with me for years at my fathers because I was still going to college, so I had to save up as much as I could. We weren’t happy from that. I’ve encountered a lot of failures in life till the point I was depressed and afraid of anymore failures, which concluded in me not doing anything. When we went out, I just wanted to go home and hide in games. When she would try to get physical with me, I’d feel awkward because I felt like a failure. In fights, when she would try to leave, I would hold her arms when she was swinging them around my face so that she doesn’t hurt herself or me, but by doing that I hurt her (it wasn’t intentional…) I’ve pushed her once or twice out of pure stress (I apologized and still regret it). Even when depressed, I would sometimes show her how much I love her, but not often enough. I see my depression as a shell that cracks and leaks of love. In short, I neglected her, I wasn’t myself, didn’t know what I wanted, didn’t know what was important to me. Always thought I was right in the fights when I wasn’t. She has now gone back to US. I’ve helped her as much as I could to make her feel comfy at her new place sent her presents, but even if I’m my true self now, she doesn’t want to talk, to spend time, yet she says she still loves me. Help.
David
Dear David,
You need to get help for your depression. When she can see you actively trying to solve the problems in your life and overcome this illness perhaps she will begin to trust you again and let her walls down. You can love someone and still know they are bad for you, and right now you are bad for her. Go and talk to a medical professional. Once you have sorted out the issues in your life, or at least have a better understanding of how to manage your illness (depression is an illness, not something to be ashamed of) then you can enter into relationships on an equal footing.
There is only so much rejection a person can take. Your partner can only bear the brunt of your anger, sadness and unwillingness to leave the house for so long; after that it can be difficult if not impossible to rebuild the relationship. I urge you to put that aside for the time being and work on those things you have control over, your health, your goals and the direction your life is taking. When you are a whole person it is much easier to bring another person into your heart and life. Remember also that when you don’t try in life, you fail by default. You can not succeed unless you try. Every day is a new opportunity; don’t waste it.
