Dear Miss U,
That’s weird, I don’t even know where to start.
I’m 18, and so is he. We’ve been together for almost two years now, and I’ve never been in love like this before. I know people always say that you don’t know what love is when you’re 18 because you’re too young but I really think I know what being in love feels like, he’s the only person I want by my side and when he’s not I feel like I’m nothing. Three months ago, he got accepted in a really good school 1000 miles away from our town (it’s in Paris) and moved there. And it is SO hard. We first had very few phone talks because he was busy until I asked him for more because I really didn’t felt like we were a couple anymore. So we began calling each other every evening and, at first, I felt better. But then our conversations became flat and I don’t know, we don’t have anything to say anymore. I always feel happy to have him on the phone and to hear him, but after the ‘how are yous’ and ‘did u have a good day’, there’s nothing. It’s like we don’t have anything to say even if we didn’t see each other for weeks! This feels so awkward and I miss him so much, I miss our conversations. I know we still are in love of each other, I feel it when he sends me good night/morning texts, when we manage to Skype a few minutes, or when he came back home two weeks for holidays. We saw each other every day and it was perfect, and so hard to let him go again. I know there’s still love between us, so what’s the problem? I feel so lost.
Thank you,
Anon
Dear Anon,
The problem is that when we’re in near-proximity relationships we spend most of the time we’re with our partner not actually talking to them. We’re doing things together, or we are doing things separately but our partners are still in the same space. We can feel them there and we know we could talk to them or touch them if we wanted to. The problem is that so much of our communication is non-verbal. The problem, if we want to call it that, is that in a Long Distance Relationship verbal (or sometimes even textual) communication replaces almost all of our interactions and it is hard to take a dance of so many aspects and force it to be played out only with mere words.
What you can do about it is make a concentrated effort to find things during the day to mention at night. Carry a notepad if you’re likely to forget. Tell each other about a funny customer at work, a fascinating thing you learned in class (even if they won’t 100% understand, share it anyway), share global news and current events, talk about your families and friends, describe how you felt when you got a text from them at lunch or when your grandma told you a story of her youth. Share your life. Your real life. Your experiences, even if they seem small and boring to you. Almost anything can be a story if you tell it with passion.
Secondly, find ways to do things together to take the pressure off your conversations. Can you play a video game together or watch your favorite show at the same time? Can you have a cooking night together where you both prepare the same meal? Can you take your evening phone call for a walk so you’re not stuck in the house feeling as much pressure to come up with something to say?
Relationships need fun to survive. Find something fun to suit your situation and interests.
And when in doubt, ask questions. It really works. There are books and websites dedicated to questions for couples, and you have NEVER been together too long to learn something new about your love.
Dear Miss U,
I met my boyfriend two months before he found out he had to move 400 miles away for his job. He is recently divorced and I’ve been relatively single for four years. We both agree to try to make it work long distance because we thought we had found someone special.
I know he cares about me. He is kind and affectionate.
When he moved we had just met so we talked about dating long distance for up to two years and then deciding what to do. But recently he has told me that he would like me to consider moving there when my lease is up this summer. This is very exciting! I’ve never lived with a man before.
I have two main concerns with this move. I love him but I haven’t been able to tell him. He has never even brought up the word love. In fact when we were first dating he would often say that people throw the word love around too much and he would point it out when I would say something like “I love chocolate.” SO I figured I would let him tell me he loves me in his own time. But 6 months later I’m still waiting.
The other problem that I’m having is that I’ve always told myself that I wouldn’t move out of state for someone that I wasn’t going to marry. He refuses to get engaged until we live together for a while. While I see the logic I just feel sold short on the issue of commitment. He can’t tell me he loves me and he won’t ask me to marry him. He seems to be asking an awful lot of me and not offering much in return.
Any advice?
Kay
Dear Kay,
My best advice would be to stop putting so much emphasis on marriage and focus on the relationship. Don’t read me wrong here, I love marriage. It’s great and it’s important in our society. But if you’re always looking at the distant shore you might lose your footing on the stepping stones and fall into the river. If you fall into the river you have to start all over again. Sometimes it’s better to focus on what you’re doing right now than where you’re going. Stop every now and then and access your progress, that’s necessary, but don’t turn your back on taking a few steps just because they won’t be enough to get you to the other side.
It makes no sense at all to me to refuse to move because you don’t know if you’ll marry. Considering the huge number of people who get engaged but don’t make it to marriage I would say that believing you are going to get married and intending to get married doesn’t always mean you will. There is no way to know for sure. And when you do finally marry there’s no way to know it will last. There’s also know way for you to know for sure that you won’t marry him. So then, isn’t it better to stop worrying about tomorrow and focus on what you have today? Why would you want to be engaged to someone who you’re not 100% certain loves you anyway?
Living together is a big step. It is, in and of itself, a sign of commitment. I can see why you feel like he’s asking a lot and not offering much, however. Perhaps you could have a discussion with him about how to make it feel more even. Is he offering to help with the move in any way? Understand too that it isn’t all roses for the person that doesn’t move. There’s a huge amount of pressure on that person to make it worth it. He’ll be your only friend in the area. You won’t know your way around for a while, and might have to look for work. That puts stress on the relationship, and is a good test for the relationship as a result of that. If you need to think about it some more, tell him that. You can even ask him why he wants you there with him, because sometimes it helps to hear them say it.
If it gets to a year and you still don’t know where you stand, ask him. Don’t torture yourself wondering how he feels because he might assume you know already. The best way to get an answer is to ask a concise question.
