Dear Miss U,
My name is Brittany and I’m from Pennsylvania. I have a “friend” who is from Florida. His name is Michael. We have known each other for 8 1/2 years. We met online when I was 14 and I had such a crush on him. Then we never really stopped talking just kind of grew apart and met other people. We started talking again a while ago. I went to visit him June 4th, 2014 – June 6, 2014. And I visited him again September 14, 2014 – September 21, 2014. I wasn’t so sure if I wanted a relationship with him because of the distance but my feelings for him have grown so much since I last saw him. I feel like I’m in love. The problem is, is that he doesn’t want to be with me and he doesn’t want to say “I love you” because he feels like it’s rushing things. I found out I was pregnant when I came home. I am currently 9 1/2 weeks. He doesn’t really like talking about the baby or us getting together and when I bring up him coming up here to visit me he says he’ll try but can’t promise anything. It hurts me a lot because I took the time to go visit him and I really want to be with him but he doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about him. If he got me pregnant the second time of us meeting but says saying “I love you” is rushing things, I don’t understand and I’m confused. He is not employed and we both have kids. He has a 6 year old girl and my girl is 1 1/2. I need help and advice. Please. I’m reaching out to you because I don’t know who else to turn to.
Britt.
Dear Britt,
First of all I want to say congratulations! In situations like this, people can get so bogged down in the potentially negative parts that they forget that a new baby is a blessing. It might not be ideal right at the moment, but overall this will be a positive thing for your family. Give yourself a great big hug from me, right now, and let yourself smile. Congratulations on the little life inside you!
I can only assume that he didn’t get you pregnant deliberately, because you’re a smart woman who already knows that having a baby doesn’t keep a partner around, in fact it puts additional stress on the relationship. I can’t see a logical reason why you’d plan to fall pregnant to someone you weren’t yet dating, so I’m framing this under the assumption that this baby is a surprise. Thus, if this baby was unplanned having it isn’t rushing anything in his mind because he wasn’t having a baby, he was having sex. Lots of people are into causal sex, and to them it doesn’t mean anything. Conversely; confessing emotion, setting up solid plans to visit or actually being a father to this child smells like commitment and hard work. It’s scary; and because of the pressure of such a situation, he might indeed feel rushed.
Which, frankly, I have zero sympathy for. Any time you have sex there is the chance of pregnancy. He’s an adult, and should be able to deal with this like an adult. Wishing he was handling this better can not make it so, however, so we need to focus on what you need to do for yourself and your family.
I would approach this with the mindset of a single parent. When the baby is born give him/her your last name and file for child support because he does have a responsibility to the baby. Legally having enforcement for this obligation does not make you a bitch or a money-grabber or any of the other derogatory terms leveled at single parents – it makes you smart. Don’t be afraid to apply for the help that is rightfully yours. On that note, look into community resources and know what kind of help is available in your area. If you haven’t already, set yourself up a good support network to fall back on.
I hate to say it, but I also think you’d be wise to save the money you would have spent on visits so that you can afford a baby sitter/ a maid/ meal delivery service (I’m talking lite ‘n’ easy not dominoes) in the first few months after the baby is born. Having some money available on those days where everything feels like it is falling apart can be a sanity saver.
Two people embarking on a parenting adventure together will find it hard. One person taking on a newborn alone when there’s a toddler in residence is heroic. It doesn’t look like he is going to step up to the plate, so don’t waste your resources on him – you’ll need everything you’ve got to get through the postpartum period.
Concerning things with Michael, prepare for the worst-case scenario and resist pushing him for commitment as the latter will only push him away. Beyond that, all you can do is wait it out and see what happens while protecting yourself and putting your family’s needs at the forefront. Don’t sacrifice anything for this man who isn’t willing to go the extra mile for you. The ball is in his court, wait and see what he does with it.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have been dating 20 months. She has brought out the best in me. I’ve grown so much on so many levels. I knew, going into the relationship, that she’d be moving to whatever graduate school in the country accepted her. While she was here, I decided to pursue career dreams as well and go to school. We are now three months in to living apart and it’s not easy. The biggest challenge is that she has 3 years there and I have 4 here. I can transfer out there after 1 year, but I’d be taking on over $30k to live in Cali with her. Then, if she gets a job offer somewhere else, I could face covering all expenses there by myself for my 4th year. After all of that is said and done, I’ll be applying to 4 more years of med school – anywhere in the country that’ll take me. At 36, that’s a long time for a long distance relationship… with conscientious conversations, we have considered perimeters around making it a more open relationship so as to take off the pressure/stress of things. We have always been completely honest with each other – even when it’s hard. I have gone through a myriad of emotions surrounding the idea of an open relationship, from fear, anger, peace, jealousy, excitement, etc. I just don’t know what to do… Is an open relationship okay? Am I risking everything by doing, or not doing, it? What would be safe rules if we did??
Piece of my heart
Dear POMH,
When people talk about opening their relationships they often have this image of those metaphoric doors bursting wide open to a flood of potentially ominous sexual encounters. It doesn’t have to be like that. You don’t have to completely blow the door off its monogamous hinges. In fact you can open it just a tiny crack and if you don’t like what you see, slam it shut on the double!
Right now, you both need to talk about it some more. I can see by your letter that you are not quite ready. If you’re not sure about it, now isn’t the time. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with open relationships, but you both need to be on the same page about what’s going on.
Some general rules to discuss would be:
Disclosure – Do you want to know what and who each other have been doing? Do you want to share the gory details (some couples find that incredibly hot) or would it be best not to talk about it lest jealousy overtake you? This will likely reflect the way you already communicate. If you generally share the miniature of your day it will feel awkward to omit details from your encounters, however if your conversations are usually to-the-point, a play-by-play of your sexual adventure would be out of place.
One night stands vs bed buddies – Some couples have a rule where their partner can only play with each person once, in the hopes that emotional attachments don’t form; while others can’t get comfortable with a complete stranger and so prefer an ongoing friendship with benefits. I don’t feel there needs to be a hard and fast rule here, both ways carry serious pros and cons, but what is important is that if an attachment does begin to form the friendship is immediately severed. Additionally, I think it’s a good idea to give each other right of veto. If your partner becomes uncomfortable with a certain playmate of yours, perhaps seeing an attachment you’re not yet aware of, their comfort needs to be a higher priority than your own (and your playmates). They should feel safe enough within the relationship to ask for that contact to be discontinued. It goes without saying that neither of you should lead your bed buddies to believe something more can ever come of the arrangement.
Limits – Dispensing with the mindset that open relationships are no-holds-barred sexual extravaganzas, how open do you both want this relationship to be for starters? You can always renegotiate later, but perhaps you’d both be fine with starting small. I know one “open” couple who only go on dates with other people. They eat out, have fun, kiss and get a bit too friendly on the dance floor, but they save the rest for their spouse. For them that’s what gets their blood pumping. They feel like they’re still attractive, they’ve still “got it” and that’s enough. Conversely I’ve known a couple who only have sex with other people, not with each other. I know one woman, and the limit she put on her partner was no kissing – she felt kissing was too intimate, too special, so he would do everything but that with his hook-ups.
Frequency or number of partners –Is there a maximum amount of dates you want to set per week? Would you prefer to only have one bed friend at a time?
Sexual health and safety, and pregnancy – Talk about what you’re doing to protect yourselves and what you will do if something goes wrong.
Always keep in mind that this should be something you’re entering into together to benefit the relationship. If at any point it’s not serving both of you, speak up. You can always take a break from being open or close up shop completely. I would recommend having a standing agreement that once the distance is closed and during visits, you remain monogamous; at least until the distance is well and truly behind you.
Continue to make time for each other, your Skype dates with her should remain more important than physical dates with others; and of course, use condoms.
