Dear Miss U,
I did an exchange student year in USA, and there I thought I found the love of my life. We dated while I was there for like 2 months and then I had to leave to my home country. We decided keep our relationship over the distance and at the beginning it was hard but worth having him, then school started and everything went down, but we still believe in the relationship and kept talking every weekend by Skype and everyday by messages.
Past like a month of school he started to get really stressed because of his grades and family problems but I was still there for anything he needed. But then one day he was ignoring me all day and I didn’t got really worried he may been busy… But when we finally got to talk he said that he was not sure he could keep our relationship, he said he still loved me but he just needed sometime to get his life straight and be better for me, so I couldn’t do anything but after a week or so we started talking again I was still in love with him and he said he did too. So yeah we past like a month of so talking to each other everyday he will always tell me he loved me but then one day a friend told me something about him and a girl so I asked him and he say that it will never be that because he had feelings for me but the other day I asked the girl and she said they’ve been dating for like a month just a week ago from when we broke up. He wants to still be friends I don’t know what to do! Please help. I feel worthless right now.
I still believe in LDR!
Dear Believer,
You’re not worthless. Your worth is not at all related to this boy’s perception of you. When someone treats you badly, neglects you or gives up on you, it is not a reflection of your character but their own.
He is being selfish and unkind. He knows you love him. He knows you’re hurting from the break up. He can probably figure out that he is the last person you need in your life right now and that he’s only hurting you more by giving you false hope; but he doesn’t care. Or, he doesn’t care enough. He’d rather hurt you more than give up his own selfish desire to have you in his life. Perhaps he doesn’t know which one of you he truly wants, and thinks this solution makes him a better person than cheating would, or he hopes that in some way he can have you both.
Really it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you be your own best friend in this. Tell yourself the kind things you would tell a friend in the same situation.
I think you need to cut contact with him, at least until your feelings for him die down. You don’t see him as a friend, and until you do, you can’t be friends.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been seeing this man for almost three years now. I’ve known him since we were in middle school. He was honestly my first love. After we broke up I learned the saying if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be. well he came back after 21 years of not having no contact with him, I often wondered where he was, how he was doing, etc. etc. we were back together for five months inseparable, then he left to go visit his kids in another state, before he was scheduled to come back he got into some trouble and now he’s not allowed due to being on probation. I go there a couple times a year and we talk every day and night on the phone, problem is now he’s back in jail and looking at a while in there. I honestly love this man with my whole heart, looking into his eyes I see my heart, but now I don’t know if I should walk away again or if I should hold on. He asks me not to let him go but I don’t know what to do anymore. I do love him and I wanna be with him I wanna move down there like he wants me to, but now with him being in jail I’m confused. Please lead me in the right decision. we have this connection I don’t think I’ll ever find with anyone else, and like I said I’ve let him go once and he came back, is that a true sign?
Jen
Dear Jen,
I think you’re reading too much into that saying. I believe the essence of that old adage is that within a relationship people still need some kind of freedom; that we do not own others and that if they stay because we force them to rather than because they want to then it can’t be genuine love.
With that said, I’m not so jaded that I can’t see the magic in your reunion, and if you are really truly happy in this relationship, if you want to move and just need someone to tell you to follow your dreams, then by all means do it.
Before you do though, talk about how his being in jail will affect this relationship, your day to day life and your future. I personally can’t see a point in moving closer to someone you can’t be with, but I don’t have experience dating an inmate. It could be far better – or worse – than I’m imagining.
It’s also hard for me to advise you because I don’t know what he has been convicted for. I don’t believe love can overcome all things, but I do know it can soften our opinion of how bad a trespass actually is. Is this man a positive influence on your life or is this man going to continue to get himself into trouble and possibly drag you down with him?
Only you know what you have to lose by jumping in. Weigh up the pros and cons, talk about it extensively, and then if this is what would make you the happiest, do it. Keep some money aside in case shit hits the fan and you need to get out quickly, but do it. It’s better to regret something you did do, than to regret not having done it.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have recently been fighting a lot. He goes to college 3 hours away, and I go to a local college. We went to high school together and live close when he is home. Since school started again he has changed, and we never talk because I had school and two jobs. Because we didn’t talk we lost that communication and trust in each other, and on top of that a guy kissed me, I did quickly stop him, but it counts as cheating though my boyfriend did forgive me. About a week ago we had a bad break up when I went to go visit him to work things out. Immediately the next day he wanted me back and hated what he did, but I don’t know if I want to go back to him for how many problems we have. So I’ve been talking to a guy friend from college who I’ve been getting advice from who recently told me he likes me, and I will admit I am starting to like him too. But I am not ready to get back into a relationship again with my ex or my friend. My ex knows I like my friend and accused me of liking him before I even did and was very jealous causing more problems that were never there. Overall I am very confused and don’t know what to do anymore. My ex isn’t accepting the fact I’m not ready to jump back into a relationship, and is gently trying to force me back with him, he is a great guy and I still love him, I’m just afraid if I say no I will make a mistake, but I’m still afraid to get back with him cause I like my friend? What should I do??
Hailey
Dear Hailey,
When someone kisses you without your consent that’s not cheating; but the fact you think it is, is a perfect example of rape culture. I highly recommend watching a bunch of Laci Green’s YouTube videos so you can better understand this phenomena and stop taking the blame for things that were out of your control.
Honestly, you sound better off without your ex-boyfriend. I don’t know why you broke up, but it sounds like any effort he makes at this point might be too little, too late. I recommend giving yourself time to heal before getting back into a relationship, and any man who can’t respect that – can’t respect you – isn’t worth considering when the time comes for you to put yourself out there again.
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