Dear Miss U,
I have been dating a girl named Emilee for a few months now. We met over social media. She lives in Texas and I live in New York. My parents do not know that I’m dating her. They don’t even know she exists. I am in love with Emilee and I need to tell them soon if this relationship will work in the long run. How should I tell them? I feel like they would not approve and ridicule me for dating “some girl on the internet.”
Brendan
Dear Brendan,
Sometimes we just have to do things we don’t want to do. Sometimes people are going to think we’re a little crazy before we explain ourselves. Sometimes our parents won’t approve. But we still have to do it anyway.
There are a handful of approaches that I’ve written about previously, my favourite being to name-drop in conversations until someone asks who you’re talking about. Eg:
“Hey Dad, what are you reading?”
“Raymond E Fiest’s Magican.”
“Really? Emilee was raving about that just the other day. Do you mind if I read it when you’re done?”
“Sure son, but who’s Emilee?”
“This girl I’ve been dating. It’d be great if you wanted to meet her sometime… ”
You get the idea. Meeting would happen over skype or facetime etc, and you would do your best to act like that was perfectly normal. If you don’t leave yourself open for criticism – if you don’t act embarrassed or guilty – you are much less likely to be put-down for it.
Another method is great around gift-giving holidays, or her birthday. Ostensibly you’d be asking for advice on what young women like or where to get it, but in actual fact you’d be acquainting your parents with the idea of you dating. Try:
“Hey mom, can I get some ideas? What kind of thing does a 18 year old girl like for her birthday from her boyfriend? Because Emilee’s birthday is coming up and I don’t want to go overboard, but I also don’t want her to get the impression I didn’t try…”
Again, act normal. You’re 17. Chances are they are well aware that you are or will start seeing potential partners soon. Be honest and prepared for the conversation, and remember why dating over the internet is in their best interests too.
- You can’t get a girl pregnant online. The viruses you could potentially catch online are also preferable.
- You’re home doing your study and waiting for her call rather than being out spray-painting an overpass with the other guys.
- You’re likely to work hard to save money for travel rather than mooching off your parents or spending your money on alcohol that you’re not supposed to be drinking yet.
- Study dates will not dissolve into make-out sessions.
- Healthy relationships motivate us to be better people and do more with our lives.
Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my significant other have been together for close to 2 years now….. The problem is couple months ago he got a new time consuming job and didn’t have as much time for me, I tried being as understandable but soon I was just angry and hurt and lashed out…. Soon after he broke it off with me but few weeks later admitted he still loved me and I do love him, we are trying to work things out get back the good times, but it feels like I am putting in more effort than he is , when I message he either doesn’t respond or takes hours before he does, I always have to ask him to call , he’s still to busy with work that we haven’t done any activities together.
I just feel myself as being more into fixing this than he does, when we finally do talk he always says the right things makes me feel loved and makes it seem like he still cares, but the next day it’s the same thing I message he ignores or replies in 2 words.
I don’t know if he’s just manipulating me or if I’m reading too much into everything.
I could really use some advice? Should we just be walking away from each other?
Cakey
Dear Cakey,
You need to stop messaging him at work. He’s busy, leave him alone. It really is that simple. If you don’t message when he can’t talk you can’t get upset that he isn’t able to respond. Go and do something that makes you nice and busy so the fact he is busy isn’t so daunting.
Beyond that, next time you talk – talk, not text – ask to set a time when you’re both free to talk for an hour. If he honestly doesn’t have an hour every day, every second day is a good start. You may have to get up earlier or stay up later to make it work. You may have to talk during your or his commute. Find a way to make it work, and then stick with it. Make a commitment to each other to hold this slot of time for your relationship.
Then, if you still find you can’t handle the urge to message him, start carrying a note pad with you. When you think of something, write it down. At the end of the month, or whenever, post the note-pad to him so he can read your thoughts in his free time, without the obligation of replying. It will help you feel like you have more contact, and it will enable him to focus on his job while giving him something special his girlfriend does that his mates’ girls don’t.
Lastly, sometimes a relationship does mean more to one person than the other. Sometimes one person needs the relationship more than the other does. AND THAT’s OK! That is normal, there’s nothing wrong with that. Likely a time will come in your lives where that is reversed. Or a time will come where he’s not working and you’re crazily busy and feeling stressed because you can’t give him the time he wants. It goes both ways.
